Julie Lost and Found

History and Personal Responsibility: Disclaimer

2012-01-27T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have made a personal commitment to cap my calories at 1400 calories per day eating mostly whole foods, exercise daily, drink a gallon of water daily, and now to journal. Though I have been faithfully doing the others, journaling has been lacking for me, but I think it's really necessary as I've been dealing with so many thoughts and emotions (especially since removing food as my comforter). It is very cathartic for me. Often my mind is all over the place. When I read a blog post that has come from the heart and soul, and can be really personal, I appreciate the honesty and often can identify, thinking "so I'm not alone after all". I've taken away a lot of tidbits here and there in the last couple of years of blogging from various bloggers out there. Early on, I shared some deeply personal experiences that was cathartic for me to do so. At one point, I was discouraged from doing this and actually took the posts down from my blog and they are now gone. I kind of wish I hadn't done that. I'm writing for me. If someone else happens to get something from it, great. But I started blogging to help myself and journaling more will be a part of that.

When I set out to start my blog, my desire was to share openly and honestly about all of my struggles, that others may also know they are not alone. To be true to myself, and be who I am, I am going to do that once again. Sure there are some things that are just so deeply personal..and painful.. that I could not bring myself to write about even privately (at least for now) let alone online for the world to see, but other than that, I do not mind sharing my life. Regarding marriage, though it has been a very rocky 14 years thus far, out of respect for my husband, anything of a deeply personal matter in that regard will of course not be shared either.

If you don't like to read personal accounts or they hit too close to home for you; If you just want to see a list of what I ate today or how I was able to justify a trip through the Dunkin Donut's drive thru, there's this little "x" in the upper right hand corner of your computer screen. Use it and click it. :-) However, I WILL be honest about my progress or lack thereof.

Last night, in about the span of 2 minutes, I made a list of about two dozen topics I wanted to write about that related to my history of overeating, late night binges, hiding food, obsessive exercise, and obsession with the scale that started when I was in my teen years. There are likely dozens more. Those are just some of the first things that came to my mind. From daddy issues, to spending issues, to numerous relationships, infertility, lost pregnancies, single parenthood and more, there is a never ending list of things I could share. We shall see what I feel like writing about.

I'm going to attempt to be free to share what's on my mind, and recount how these things led to my using food for comfort and gradually gaining weight...up to 150 extra pounds, yo yo'ing a long the way. In doing so, there will likely be references to my parents and to relationships. Here's my disclaimer:

I believe in taking full personal responsibility for my actions. I am an adult. I do NOT believe, and I find it incredibly annoying, in adults "blaming" their parents or something that happened in their childhood for their current behavior or for their mistakes. "Oh It's all my parents' fault". There is someone in my life that blames all his present misery on our growing up years and to that I say: listen. suck it up. DEAL with it. LEARN from it. ACCEPT it. Forgive. And move on. That said, I did not withstand severe abuse that I know some have. I can only speak from MY experiences and how I view it.

We all have skeletons in our closet. We know they are there. It's one thing to open the closet a crack and peek..and recognize that they're there. To acknowledge the role they've played in where you are today. To learn. It's another thing to take them out and play with them. To me, playing with them is trying to use them to justify all of your current woes and simply refusing to move on. Using them as your scapegoat.

I believe it's important to acknowledge what may have played a role in leading us to do the things we've done, make the mistakes we've made. So that we can recognize it. Own it. Accept it. Forgive it. Heal. Move on. Writing about and working through these things is one way of accomplishing this.

I just want to make it clear that as I share some of my past and how I began forming the patterns that I did that played a role in gaining weight, and consequently began breaking the patterns: that I love my family, don't blame anyone for anything, and accept full responsibility for my actions. I have a good and healthy relationship with my parents now. I do not believe in harboring bitterness and resentment towards people, even those who have hurt me deeply in my life.

Obviously gaining 150 lbs over 24 years happened because I ate way too much and moved less and less. Scientifically speaking, it's that simple. It's also a bit more complicated. It also happened because I used food to numb some incredibly painful emotions (and some incredibly happy ones) that I did not know how to express in healthy ways, and at times did not have a safe way in which to do so (or didn't think I did).

So now that I've got that out of the way, I guess I'll start writing what's REALLY on my mind. :)

So Thankful for Life Changers

2012-01-26T11:17:00.000-08:00

It is true, I believe, that people come into our lives, or cross our paths for a reason. EVERYONE . I could write post after post of examples of this: how either one brief encounter, one friendship (in real life or virtual), one failed relationship, a friendly face day after day etc. helped teach me something about myself or lead me to where I am today. I'm a pretty open person and do not have difficulty engaging in conversations with people and try to cherish them and take away what I can. From brief encounters near home to those I had traveling in Europe, nothing is by accident.

At my lowest point, after the birth of my third child, I seriously thought I was going crazy. I had the deepest of post partum depression. My mind was ALL over the place and extremely "crowded". I couldn't STAND to be with my family. I despised my husband with a passion. I was absolutely overwhelmed. He would come home from work and I would shut down. "It's all yours" I'd say. How dare you for getting me pregnant with these kids!! I'd leave and go to the gym, go shopping, or just drive. I cried at the drop of a hat. One day I had been pulled over by a police officer for an expired inspection sticker and began sobbing, throwing F bombs at the officer while I had all three kids in the car. When I say I was a mess, I kid you not. I would go away for weekends alone and just take off to New York City by myself, maybe taking in a broadway play or just sitting in a luxury hotel room sobbing. I contemplated suicide in some of the finest hotels. I had decided one night as I lay in bed at the Ritz in Boston, that if I were to ever go through with it, it would be in that lovely establishment. These are just a few of the really painful things that happened during that time period. At the time I was not on meds other than an antidepressant prescribed by my physician and I was not going to counseling because any counselor or psychiatrist I had seen thus far was simply crazier than I was. Weren't there any "normal" NON earthy/crunchy therapists out there??

Soon, I hired a housekeeper who turned into a full time nanny/housekeeper/Julie's God sent lifesaver. My angel, I swear. A true missionary who put her heart and soul into our family, loved my children as her own, helped me raise them, and put up with me. I began going out more during the day. One of the things that "made me feel better" seemed to be spending money. Thankfully (and now regrettably), I had it to spend as I was earning very well with my business. I started going to a salon and day spa. My hair, skin and nails were always perfect even if I was getting worse and worse mentally. Now, I lived very close to Boston at the time. There are countless lush salons and spas in the city that I could have gone to. But no. One day, I would drive 90 minutes north to where I used to live to get a facial with someone I had never met before. THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS!!! As I robed up and went in to the room to meet this young woman, she was very friendly and rather extra talkative. As our conversation continued, she actually shared with me that she had bipolar disorder and she shared an entirely different perspective on how she viewed her diagnosis. It was SO positive. Mind you, I found nothing "positive" about it, but by the time I was done talking to this woman, I just wanted to know who her shrink was. I wanted to see her. She gave me the name and number of this woman. She woman was almost an hour from my house, but I called her and got an appointment.

Linda. Linda is my therapist AND prescribes my meds. She's tried me on a vast variety of things over the years and the bottom line is there is one drug I can tolerate. I cannot tolerate the tiniest dose of ANYTHING else. It's wild. But it works, and it has really helped me. In the past, I had tried some meds and you'd only get these 10 minute med checkups. Well how the hell can anyone adjust your meds when they only see you for 10 minutes and can't get a good feel for your moods? In my opinion as a prior nurse and a patient, it's just unsafe practice, yet it's all most insurances allow for. I am thankful to be able to pay private pay for the service I get. I can think of many things I'd rather do with the money, but I feel I cannot afford NOT to have this expense. I have been seeing Linda now for 6 years. She is wonderful. Kind of sort of "motherly"..."normal"..and the one hour I spend with her each week is the safest hour of my week. I have made a commitment to myself to be 1000% honest with her about everything. I can tell her exactly what I'm thinking, feeling, and so on. It's really changed my life. And all because of a facial. :)

I never went all the way back to that salon for any services due to the distance, but that woman was there that day for a reason. Meeting her changed my life.

Why am I bothering sharing this? Some would think I'm nuts for throwing this out there. Because I'm not afraid to, and because during all this time of deep inner turmoil, I used food to self soothe all the calamity inside my head. As I'd sit at night trying to make sense of so many things, I'd eat. Food felt good. Or so I thought.

I've been through a couple of periods in the past 8 years where I used alcohol and pain meds to self medicate. Daily. Thankfully, each time I was able to pull myself out of it and get help before it was out of control. Food was my main self soother.

Though I struggle still with ups and downs, I have an outstanding working relationship with Linda and a "plan" in place. I know my body very well and know when things are headed up and down, and know enough to call her immediately if something is wrong.

My will to get rid of diabetes, lose weight and be healthy is stronger than my will to stuff my feelings with food. As a result, there are a LOT of "emotions" floating around lately to deal with, but thankfully, I'm taking it in stride and trying my best to deal with them. My friend Ann has said to me many a time, "you will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change" (I think that's it..)

Am I now immune from succombing to the allure of comfort food? Hell no and never will be. Had I best keep my guard up? Hell yes for now and forever I'm sure. Do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm *capable* of getting this done? You betchya!

PIcky Eater Dilemna..

2012-01-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a little better today, though I am still really tired.

I got in an hour on the eliptical machine and finished the day at 1340 calories.

Dinner time was *stressful*. It's affectionately known as "bewitching hour" around here some days. After school, my son was in a MOOD and that just causes chaos...homework, piano practice, and emotions flying wild. He went to bed in a mood. I just could not reel that kid in tonight and I feel bad.

I went a little too long without eating something so at around 5:30 I was both really stressed and ravenous hungry. Though I planned on grilled chicken with a salad for myself, the stove was taken up cooking for my husband and kids. It is important to me that we have dinner together, so I didn't really want to feed them and feed myself later. It was poor planning on my part I guess. Though I was really tempted to just say "screw it" and eat what I was cooking, I improvised tonight in the interest of time and convenience and had eggs and cinnamon raisin ezekiel toast for myself. I'm sure I had the calories that I could have eaten it, but the pasta is just is not on my personal "allowed" list, and I've been trying to stay away from red meat. I made them one of their favorites, American Chop Suey (macaroni, tomatoes and 93% ground beef with spices). I am OFF pasta. I had some over the weekend for the first time in ages and felt like crap afterwards. While I was prepping dinner for the others, I snacked on a bunch bell peppers and a little hummus.

Tonight for a snack, it was more bell peppers and hummus.

I don't know what it is with me and peppers lately but it's all I want. Peppers, mushrooms, and onions. The more the better. Veggie stir fry, raw, egg white omelets. yummmmm! WEIRD!

It would really really really help if the four of us could all eat the same thing for dinner. I've said it before and I'll say it again. My children...and husband, are the worlds. pickiest. eaters. It drives me up the wall. I bend over backwards trying to get the kids to try new things, eat their vegetables etc, but I don't get any back up on that from the other grown up in the house. He just doesn't think it's important. It's a tough one.

That's it for now. I'm trying to get to bed at a decent hour so I can drag myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to exercise. It's a habit I really want to build.

Ups and Downs and Instant Relief

2012-01-24T07:01:00.000-08:00

A wave of feeling really "down" has come upon me. It's been several days now. It always hits so suddenly. I really cannot usually foresee it. There's not really a good "reason" for it either. It just happens. The black cloud. I should have seen it coming. Hindsight is always 20/20.

One thing more than anything that brings me instant relief for depression is cardio exercise. The relief is temporary and needs to be kept up with daily, but it is a relief that *really* feels good. The issue, when you feel like crap, is making yourself DO IT. And the only thing for that is to just keep doing it and develop self discipline. I mean, I function. I don't have debilitating, can't function, can't get out of bed depression. I get up at the same time every day because I HAVE to. I follow a structured routine with the children in the morning. We follow a fairly structured homework/dinner/evening routine. Day after day after day. It's what makes things run (somewhat) smoothly. Exercise should be no different.

One thing I REALLY want to change about myself is getting up really early. MAKING myself get up early and get the exercise done *before* anything else. But oh..when the morning comes, and it's so cold, and I still don't feel rested, it is hard. I'm not sure it will be any more difficult an hour or so earlier though, so why don't I do it?? Once the kids are out the door at 8:30am, I'm alone. I have the option of doing what I want, or doing what I ought. Right now, doing what I *want* is not the right choice and doing what I *ought* is the more rewarding one. I would like to see the day when the two become ONE. That what I *want* IS what I *ought*. Is there such a day? I'm guessing this battle will always be there.

I have one child home sick from school today (although I think she probably could have gone). After sending my son off to school, I forced myself to get on the eliptical machine and I feel *much* better. With a long list of important tasks to complete today, this is a good thing because I've set myself up for a much more productive day, despite the way I feel. The stuff will get done. The cardio is behind me. I started the day with my Amazing Meal first thing and food is planned and prepared for the day. I'm planning to get some more exercise in after lunch, before my son gets home.

I'm hoping that this phase passes quickly. I have learned to just ride the waves. Life is good..no matter what.

And she's off again..

2012-01-21T17:52:00.000-08:00

Nothing to do about weight loss, food, exercise, emotional eating..but everything to do about joy and life:

At 4:30 tomorrow morning, I'll leave to take my oldest daughter to the airport as she heads back to college for her second semester. It has been a wonderful month having her home.

As usual, before she leaves, she has been spending extra special time with my two youngest children. It melts my heart to watch the three of them interract. Elizabeth is so amazing with her younger siblings. She is kind, patient, loving, nurturing...and a lot of fun.

Tonight, as she was snuggling with Miss Emily, Emily started her expected teariness knowing that her big sister will be headed out tomorrow morning. She won't be home at all this semester and I'm not sure if we'll be out to see her.

As much as I absolutely adore this girl, I'm looking forward to her going back to school also. She loves to be busy and is excited about the upcoming semester. She is trying to get into the special education program and is taking education classes this semester that she's very much looking forward to.

Last year, I was the speaker at a fundraiser for her old high school and spoke to a room of 200 about her experience there and my perspective as the parent. This year, she's being featured in their fundraiser video. Last night, Lizzie and I were interviewed and filmed for this professional fundraising promotional video for the school. It was really neat how they brought in the lights and cameras and transformed our living room into well...something it doesn't really usually look like. First Lizzie was interviewed, and then me. Basically, the questions I was asked started way back from when I was a single parent, when and why I decided to homeschool her, what made me put her in the school she went to, my perspective on her experience there, how I saw her change and grow, how I felt about her traveling abroad on trips with that school, sending her off to Spain for her first year of college, and where she is now.

This girl went through a lot at home during the years following the births of my two younger children. The school she went to literally changed her life for the better. The teachers made a lasting impact on her. As I watched her being interviewed and listened, I had tears in my eyes. I am so incredibly grateful for the experience that she had.

The study abroad experience last year was also simply amazing. I'm so glad that she took that first year to do that as it was something that will stay with her for life.

I can't believe that in less than a month, I'll be the parent of a twenty something. There hasn't been a single age that I have not thoroughly enjoyed and been in wonder and awe over as I've watched her grow up into a beautiful young adult.

Saying good bye again, and I'll surely miss her..but I'm just so excited for this kid! This mama couldn't be more proud. :)

Reflecting on the week..and prepping for weekend

2012-01-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

I've had a really good week eating and exercise wise. Otherwise, it was sort of an emotional roller coaster and this part has sucked. I guess I can celebrate not coming derailed with food and exercise in the face of the stress, emotions etc. I'm down another 3 lbs. I'm down 20 lbs since October, 10 of which are in the last three weeks. I'm glad. I wish I could say I was walking on sunshine. On the other hand, I think maybe it's kind of good that I'm NOT on "cloud 9". Life isn't always a bowl of cherries and I need to learn to ride the waves and not falter even during the sucky weeks. I've been giving some thought lately to "happiness". Big difference between "happiness" and "joy". I've got a ways to go on this as I work through some things.

Yesterday, I spent some time trying not to obsess over the IEP meeting the day before. I was second guessing signing the paper on the day of the meeting. I hate how I do that. It's over. It's done! I am kind of pissed at my kid's psychologist for not advocating a little more for an IEP. Dude, I'm paying you big bucks out of pocket to be there and you side with your colleagues?? I will see him Tuesday and I'm not sure if I should say anything to him or not. Perhaps I'll wait and see what, if anything, he has to say about the meeting. I think I knew where he was coming from. I don't want to be reactionary. But he knew damn well I want an IEP for my son, HE told me beyond a shadow of a doubt he needs it..so why on earth did you say you're ok with the 504? At the end of the day yesterday, as it was time to sit down for homework, the tantrum began and inside, I secretly wished I could videotape what goes on so all the people in that meeting would know it's not my imagination. As I helped my son work through the issue, I became a little bitter at some of the things said at the meeting. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind this child needs the special ed for the writing. His math tutor (old montessori teacher) came and used their math tutoring time to do his writing homework. It was great for my son, because she calmed him down, presented the assignment differently, and it got done. And that's all that matters right??? He understood it. He did it. WELL. At this point I had to leave for a couple of appointments. As I drove, I was *seething* inside. "Well..wait a minute. He needs the extra help. Why do *I* have to pay someone because they won't give him something he obviously qualifies for" blah blah. Oh I was having a field day/ angry self pity party. "Well Jules, ummm...you've paid tens of thousands of dollars over the years in private school ..for this very reason, so what's your point?" Suddenly I'm complaining? I love having time alone to be driving. I get a lot of thinking done!

By the time I went to bed last night, I had reconciled that I am going to give this the time it needs, trust my instincts that these are good people and good teachers, and accept that he's only 4th grade and certainly we can revisit all of this later this school year. Calm. Rational. Non psycho-mom. :-)

There is an extremly busy weekend ahead starting today all the way through until Sunday. I must be sure to get in my exercise and *really* be prepared with good choices. We were supposed to go to the Cape tomorrow, but due to snow forecast, that has been cancelled. Which is good, because I forgot I was supposed to go to this mother/daughter Disney on Ice thing in the morning for a friend of Emily's birthday. Lizzie leaves for college super early Sunday morning. There's the big football game Sunday so I'll likely have father in law over and that also means the guys will want their junk food. Which means so will the kids. Which means I'll be outnumbered. ALERT ALERT DANGER

I can't really say anything. They are adults. But I can't eat my food without commentary (and that's annoying! I don't comment on the shit they're eating!). As if *I* am weird for eating vegatables and hummus. I almost get laughed at...and sometimes I do. Or ridiculed about the ridiculousness of it. It's really frustrating. So what's a girl to do?

Shopping sounds like a good alternative... :)

Survived the meeting!

2012-01-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

Today's IEP referral meeting for my son has been looming over my head for ages. I knew that one day I would refer him for an IEP. As this is my first ever experience with the public school system, I really didn't know what to expect.

In twenty years of parenting, until recently, I had set in my mind that public school would never be in the cards for my kids. After homeschooling Lizzie for 7 years and private school for 5, and a combination of Montessori and homeschooling my two youngest, I do have a vast difference of opinion of an ideal education, and it did not include the public school model. There are many great options available and I had always been of the opinion that if avoidable, public was not the way we were going to go.

Now, I went through public school just fine: k-12, as did my two brothers. My husband and his siblings got through it. I just didn't want my kids to simply 'get through it'. I wanted them to excel. I wanted for them to have a customized education to fit their particular learning style. For my son, the idea of putting him in a traditional public school setting was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Despite two neuropsych evals and many well meaning friends trying to convince me that I HAD to put him in public school to get services, I managed to resist. That was bull anyway. I got all the services he needed privately: speech, OT, pscyh etc. However, just before Christmas, when I really had to stop homeschooling for my own sanity, knew that Montessori is not the right environment for him, and some of these alternative private schools are simply insane with yearly tuitions greater than Harvard, it became abundantly clear that we were going to need to try the public school route.

I was so pleasantly surprised upon my first impression at the school. Everyone has been extremely nice and accomodating. We immediately submitted the IEP referral and today was the meeting. My son's psychologist attended also as he's known him for a couple of years and could give some input about Jake.

I was a nervous wreck all day today prior to the meeting. I mean, I was just nauseas. I don't know why. They are really nice and it was just a meeting to discuss my son and what his needs are. The thing is, they've known my kid for 7 school days. That's it. At the end of the meeting, they all agreed that he should have a 504..NOT an IEP. For now. Inside, I was dying. I don't want a 504. He needs an IEP. The neuropsych eval that I spent $3000 for specifically says he needs an IEP. His pediatrician said he needs an IEP. Bottom line, I *really* need to have a better grasp and understanding of the special education laws. I've been SO far removed from the public school system, that all I know from other parents is: you don't want a 504...get an IEP! With his diagnoses and various stuggles, it didn't occur to me that he would not qualify.

The positive thing to take away is that he has got one awesome mind. (I already knew that!) He's also a deeply sensitive child and this, I believe, is a beautiful quality that should be nurtured as a strength and not a weakness. He's extremely intelligent and it was very exciting for me to see how excited his math/science teacher would get talking about how she loved how his mind works. While there are several "gaps" in skills, she feels like she can work with him. I know she will be great. I wasn't thrilled thus far with his language teacher. Time will tell. I kind of thought she had a "high and mighty" attitude but it's probably not fair for me to come to that conclusion where I really don't know her. I just wanted to laugh in her face when she said she saw no issues at all with him in writing. "yeah lady...just you WAIT! you haven't seen ANYTHING yet!" is what I was thinking. I shall remain silent for now. I have a feeling that will be the deciding factor in him eventually getting an IEP. I could be totally wrong and I hope I am. I could be so wrong that I'll just have to come back and eat these words I type. I hope so.

I felt a great comfort having his outside psychologist there. As I sat through the meeting, it became more and more evident that most of his problems are occurring *outside* of school. (for now..after all..they've known the kid for only SEVEN school days) In a way, that's not bad. I'd rather have him having a meltdown at home where he must feel it is safe to do so, than at school, right? As I listened to each team member after another saying they didn't think he needed "special ed" but rather accomoadations and some supportive services, I got more and more nervous..though I kept a calm demeanor and didn't say anything. I think Jake's psychologist could sense this and looked at me a couple of times with an "it's ok..we'll talk" look. He does a good job with my son and will have some good ideas up his sleeve I'm sure on how to help him work through his anxieties and outbursts at home. I just don't want him to fall through the cracks in the system.

I signed the paper to close out the referral and move on to the 504. Right now I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed. As I'm very much like my son in some ways, I came home from the meeting and have just been trying to soak it in and 'decompress'.

All I want is for my little boy to be ok. I love that kid so much. All I want is for him to feel safe, happy and loved. I want him to feel good about himself. It kills me..KILLS me to see the internal struggles he's going through. It just crushes me. He's growing so quickly before my eyes. Soon he'll be an adolescent. His moods will get even stronger. He needs an outlet. He needs to know how to self regulate. At night, when he's freaking out over his homework and slams his hand down on the kitchen table, I'm having visions of three or four years from now, when he's even stronger. When his voice changes and he's still yelling.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe the 504 will eventually be referred for an IEP. Maybe the structure of a public school is exacty what he needs. Maybe he'll just get one awesome teacher after another throughout the remainder of his school career.

I just want him to be ok. I know he will be. I just worry. It's a mother's prerogative I guess.

Fear of Failure..No More

2012-01-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

I am usually pretty much a "get up and go" type of person and have attacked many a project over the years successfully. I've been told I have a friendly personality and there's really no one that I just do not get along with. I got through school fine, graduated nursing school and in my humble opinion made a great nurse for the years I was in the profession, have always been able to hold down a job, come from a good family, own a very successful business and have thus far raised one child that has already begun to be a positive contribution to society. Despite all of that, most of my life, when it was just me, myself and I, I hated myself.

For some reason, when it comes to truly loving myself and treating my body as such (ie: losing weight, getting stronger, improving my health), I have had a stifling fear of failure...and I don't know why. I often wonder if it could be because when you are not using food as a comforter any more, you are just forced to deal with whatever it is that is bothering you and that can be *really* uncomfortable? Too many times I threw in the towel.

Several things have been bothering me for far too long and eventually you've just got to say "enough is enough!" "Suck it up and deal with it!" Take the bull by the horns..and fight for your life.

I can honestly say right now with all my heart and soul that I just am not afraid of failing at this endeavor. I've never felt this way. I've taken the attitude that simply: failure is not an option. It is the best feeling! SO empowering.

I was having lunch with a friend a couple of weeks ago, and we were discussing "sticky situations". Like, REALLY sticky. So say you're in a car and you are stuck in some pretty deep mud. You KNOW you can get out of that mud if you really put the pedal to the metal, but you know that in doing so, you are probably going to make a real mess as that mud splatters..muddying up stuff around you. And you're going to have to clean it up. And it's going to hurt. Some of it really badly. But the alternative is to stay stuck in the mud. And go nowhere. And keep sinking deeper. What are you going to do? Lay down and die? When you KNOW you don't have to? No. You're going to fight. You're going to do what you have to do. You will survive. Failure is not an option. You will get yourself out. You will clean up the mess..albeit over time, but it will happen.

I have come to determine that the only way to fail is to quit. Just give up and decide: nope, this isn't for me. To quit would be to fail.

Though I haven't clearly worked through in my mind what has been my catalyst to really decide to change, I know that it will become clear. In the meantime, I just know that fear is a four letter word and failure will no longer be in my vocabulary.

Leave it to Mom... :)

2012-01-16T07:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a good conversation with my mom in a couple of weeks. I called her this morning to set something up for us to come down to the Cape before Lizzie goes back to college. We are going next Saturday so I have six days to prepare. Possible challenges include: our family's favorite local restaurant (but they do have great salads!) and wine (always quite an abundance of it present!)

She asked me if I was going kickboxing tonight, as she knows I go with my cousin and aunts. Yes. Are you eating well? Yes mom, very very well. Exercising? Yes mom, every day. Wow honey!!! The weight must be melting off you..you'll be a rail by summer at the beach.

Well mom, um, it's not melting off as fast as I would like..or thought it would.

Mom: Honey? I have to tell you something and you are not going to like it. (I'm thinking we are off the weight talk by now..)
Me: um..ok..
Mom: you are really going to hate this..please don't be upset
Me: mom, I can handle it..what is it?
Mom: you're not going to like it
Me: WHAT????? WHAT'S WRONG? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Mom: well, I hate to tell you this, but the weight doesn't come off as fast when you are a little bit older.

Ouch. Older??? LOL I'm only 40!! There she goes with the age thing again!

I was visiting her when we celebrated my 40th birthday last August. I was in the guestroom which I love love love. When you wake up, you have the sea air coming in through the window, and you can get out of bed and bam!...there is the ocean and my favorite beach to look at out the slider. Yes, it was a beautiful morning. August 14, 2011. I woke up. I was 40. Whoopie. Wow..this isn't that bad.

Knock knock on the door. Mom opens the door.

Happy birthday honey!!!! Just think, today is the first day of the second half of your life!
KILL KILL KILL!

I am just kidding of course. I do love my mom. She is a great role model for me in so many ways. Aging is one of them. You would NEVER ever believe she is in her 60s and I'm told by her that it is her best decade yet. That is encouraging. My grandmother was the same way. Hopefully I will take after them and age gracefully.

For now I really need to try to recognize and appreciate "non scale victories". Here's one (though not for my pocketbook :) Last October I went to visit my daughter at school. They have a killer shopping outlet complex. I'd drive the 12 hours just for those outlets! I had a quick fling at Jones of New York and got some nice clothes during a great sale. I bought four pair of pants and several tops. The jeans are simply too big now. I need to go down at least a whole size..possibly two. I spent a lot of money that day. They have all kept very well so I'm sure I can sell the clothes in a plus size lot on consignment.

I think I'm going to start to keep a running list in my journal of even the smallest of changes!

Good Weekend and Moving On..

2012-01-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

I was not looking forward to this three day weekend..at all. I'm one of the really weird ones who actually doesn't like weekends as much as weekdays. During the week, there is routine. On the weekends in my house, it's like a freakin' free for all!

However, I was thinking this afternoon what a pleasant weekend this has actually been thus far. I got in a good cardio session on the eliptical both mornings and am now up to 50 minutes with a steady increase on the resistance and intensity. I usually also try to do more eliptical in the evening and will do that tonight. I've been able to spend some good time with the kids, including playing dolls with my little one this morning! I snuck away for a few hours last night to meet a friend and go shopping at a KILLER mall. Drove over an hour home from the Mass Pike with hardly anyone on the road because I'm pretty sure everyone was either at the Pats/Broncos game or home watching it. I made it home in time to watch the second half of the game with my husband.

Our former nanny, Mara, came over today to visit and it was a great visit!! I miss her so much. She was such a huge help to me. I didn't plan on her for dinner, but we decided on a stir fry. I made a huge veggie stir-fry for her, Lizzie and I as the kids and Matt wanted something else.

When we are at the store together and I was grabbing all the different veggies, she said in her awesome Brazilian accent "who are you and what have you done with my Julie?" That made me feel good! :)

I have been doing very well staying within my calorie range and sticking firm to what I will and will not eat. Cravings for refined sugar and carbs have greatly diminished and I'm really thankful. It hasn't been that hard. My head is in the game and I've just decided what I want for myself.

My goal for this week is to take a much closer look at my sodium intake and increase my vegetables and fruits. I will often have a turkey wrap with a Joseph's flax tortilla wrap. 70 calories...5 net carbs. **360** whopping mg of sodium!! YIKES!

Also, I'm finally adding back in weights for the first time since before my surgery. That has been one of my biggest "fears" since surgery. I *probably* coulda/shoulda started this in August (when the doctor said it was ok to use weights) but I still wasn't feeling great. Prior to surgery I was having this weird thing happen with weights that my heartrate would *soar*...like to 170-180!!! ..yet I could do cardio fine and it would be tough to get above the 150s. There was a name for that that the neurosurgeon used but I can't for the life of me remember it.

So, it's time. I'll start slow and I know it'll be ok. No more excuses!!

I have to be honest. Brain surgery *was* a legitimate excuse. *Now*, almost a year later, it's a convenient one.

Julie Unglued

2012-01-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

Friday the 13th. I don't believe in superstition, but boy oh boy is it appropriate for THIS day..er..THIS week!

Yes, I feel I have come unglued and feel as if I should warn people "you don't want to mess with me today lest you incur my wrath!" I have been so wrestless, emotional, irritable. It feels like PMS, but I don't really get PMS anymore since the Mirena. I wouldn't even know it's been so long. Do you ever find yourself crying at a commercial? or an episode of iCarly or Victorious that your kids are watching? How embarrassing! Or how about a song that just cuts to the core so intensely? Probably more women will identify with this than men.

It is not an "episode". I know it is not. I know the difference. Oh, and while I'm on that subject. I'm beginning to doubt that I even HAVE Bipolar. I'm beginning (or back to believing) it's the "ADD" diagnosis of the 21st century. Please don't get me wrong, I do believe it is very real, but I do not believe I have it. Why? Because I have felt deep down in my being that if I got my body in balance and healthy, the symptoms would greatly diminish. I have believed very deeply that a great deal of my "mood swings" are circumstantial and I needed to deal with the source and stop slapping band aids. I believe deep down that I can manage the waves of depression that I do have in other healthy ways. People that know me fairly well are perplexed with my diagnosis. I don't seem to match many of the descriptions of it that I've read. Oh, and way back when, I managed in life just fine without mood stabilizing medication. Sometimes I wonder if it's the medication I take that makes me worse with brain fog, dizziness, fatigue and so on. Some people can't live day to day without it..and I get that. My brother is one of them. I don't think I'm one of them and I *really* want to try to wean off of this medicine. I was going to talk to my therapist about it last night, but she had the flu. I haven't seen her since mid December. LOTS of catching up to do! She is not going to like this, but hopefully she will respect it. She is very respectful of any decision I make. She is my prescriber and I will not do anything without being supervised by her. Like most things recently, my husband is not supportive of this. To which all I can say is..whatever.

I have been trying so hard to keep things together around here. Continuity. Making sure the kids' are doing ok in their new environment, trying to help my son with his emotions and getting in the groove of a new environment and new routine. I wonder if he is on the brink of puberty? He is getting growing pains now....real ones. Poor kid. We are already having meltdowns over homework. I have a great app for the iPad called "First Then Visual Schedule" and it's sort of a picture/word schedule so we sat down together and made morning and evening routines. He follows the routine and "checks off" the picture when he is done. This has helped tremendously! I have his IEP meeting next Wednesday and cannot wait to get some things in place for him. He got in trouble this morning and I have taken the iPad away for the weekend. I am attending an Autism/Aspergers conference next month and cannot wait. There are so many workshops I'm looking forward to sitting through and gleaning some good ideas and wisdom from.

He was fuming mad at Emily for some minute thing and sprayed her with Axe deoderant. (what is it with him and that Axe??) She probably did something to instigate the matter..she can be a little stinker! Oh, and speaking of little Miss Princess Emmy girl, she pulled the "I can't go to school today because I have a tummy ache" thing. She was fine. She did this last year ALL the time. It is SO hard for me to get upset with her though or to say no. She has these HUGE beautiful blue eyes. When she cries, the tears just fly out..like a little cartoon. Seriously. And she does the most perfect little puppy dog face. Still, I had to stick to my guns. No fever, not puking, no green stuff...you're going to school. The nurse will call if she's ill. I am not mean. I would never send my child to school if they were really sick. She was perfectly fine once she knew I was not giving in.

Which she will probably be ill soon....because poor Lizzie is WICKED sick with strep throat and the flu. This is her last week of break. I feel bad that she has to spend it this way but better at home being nursed back to health by mama and quarantined than during her first week of a new semester.

Yet, while feeling totally unglued, I am in control. It hasn't occurred to me to overeat or to choose poorly. It just is NOT an option. My mind is made up and I have chosen what is best for me. I have exercise as a great stress reducer.

So bring it on and just TRY to derail me...I triple dog dare ya. Ain't gonna happen!

Random Thoughts On a Snowy Day

2012-01-12T17:34:00.000-08:00

It was too good to last all winter. We finally got some snow! As there was no school today, our routine was a little thrown off, but it's all good.

I confess I was going stir crazy inside! By the time I went out to shovel, it was a very heavy, wet snow. I did it all though..by myself..and felt great about it. Also, it sure is beautiful outside when all of the snow is stuck to every single branch. It was truly a winter wonderland! Last year, we already had over 40 inches of snow by the end of December, and got numerous storms of a foot or more each the rest of the winter. I was unable to shovel a flake last winter. This year, I actually was *happy* to get out to shovel!

Once the shoveling was done, I really wanted to take the kids to the rail trail to take a walk and to take pictures, but they were giving me a hard time and didn't want to go. :(

I took Jacob to Speech this afternoon and was seriously *craving* a stir fry with onions, peppers, mushrooms, peapods, and so on. We stopped at the market and got what was needed and I made a beautiful vegetable and chicken stir fry for dinner.

When I got home, I found Lizzie all cuddled up in a ball nearly in tears. She is SO sick with the flu. It came on so fast. Both children and myself have had the flu vaccine, but she did not. She's bummed out to be sick while on break, but it's better at home than when she starts school in 10 days so I told her not to worry..mama will take care of her. :)

I am still within my calories for the day and feel really good about that.

One thing I do not undertand is that I am feel *extremely* tired. I don't understand why. I'm eating very well and including tons of fresh vegetables. low fat, low sodium. Very little sugar, if any. NO white sugar or flour. I'm exercising, taking a multivitamin, drinking tons of water. Why on earth am I dragging?? I mean, I *feel* good, and feel very energized otherwise...except when I feel I could just drop. Go figure.. I've had a little bit of a tough week emotionally with some things and wonder if that is taking a toll?

I love my children so much and don't want to sound like I don't want to be with them, but damn! First there was no school Tuesday for a teacher conference, then today. Now there is no school Monday because of Martin Luther King day..but he was a cool dude, so we'll give him a pass.:) I look forward to some continuity.

Got Diabetes?

2012-01-11T06:22:00.000-08:00

For several years, I was what the doctors called "pre-diabetic" with a hemoglobin a1c of 6.4. My fasting blood sugars were in the 130s-140s, which is not good. About a year and a half ago, the a1c climbed to 6.6, then to 7.2, then 7.7. In August 2011 I hit a whopping 8.8. While most of this was due to my poor lifestyle, recovery from major surgery also played a role in this big change. (or so I am told)

Almost all of 2011, particularly after my surgery for several months, my fastings were dangerously high at 180-225 on any given morning, and many of my post meal sugars soaring over 300. A couple of times I saw 450. I tried Metformin which made me terribly ill. The doctor switched me to Glipizide. I felt like crap on that too and only took it a couple of times.

Think it won't happen to you? Think again! I NEVER thought in a million years I would end up on medicine for diabetes. I never thought I'd get it. I had the warnings, but nooooo...not me.

Then there was the "oh I have diabetes but the sugars aren't THAT bad". Psyche! Think again! One night you'll wake up and feel incredibly ill, take your blood sugar, and it's in the 400s.

Visits to the doctor and dietician didn't scare me into simply changing my diet and exercising. I had seen first hand in my nursing career what happened to people that didn't take this seriously. My very last shift working as a nurse before my last baby was born, I had a patient who I really liked a lot, drop dead before my eyes. She was 52. It was horrible. HORRIBLE. Every complication of diabetes from an out of control, horrible lifestyle that you could possibly imagine had manifested in this woman's body. Every. Single. One. I loved being a nurse. I loved my patients. I had purpose going to work every day. She had a visitor and we were talking, laughing, goofing around as I took her blood sugar. "Ok Barbara, gotta go draw up your insulin! Be right back!" I stepped out of the room to do so and within 10-15 seconds, her friend came running out "nurse! come quick!" In to the room I ran, Barbara was dead. Gone. She did not have type 1 diabetes. She had type 2. I managed to get through the shift ok, though I was a wreck. Something kicks in when you're a nurse and you just do what you need to do. Part of that for me involved calling her children. They were 20, 22, and 24. Her 20 year old worked at the nursing home and was the first to arrive. As I look back now, I remember trying to console him. It was just a nightmare. I now have a 20 year old child of my own and I wonder what it would be like for her to get that call. I was 8 months pregnant with insulin dependent gestational diabetes at the time.

The past year and a half, my life was out of control and I was letting stress RULE me. From a major audit, to major surgery, to some serious relational issues and more, I was a mess. I sat with my doctor this past August as she wanted to put me on TWO meds for diabetes AND a blood pressure medication used off label to protect the kidneys in patients with diabetes. Since my kidneys are already compromised from a congenital disorder, that was probably wise. I would never actually start the Zestril, and the Metformin, and then Glipizide made me terribly sick to my stomach that I never was compliant.

"Good grief" I thought to myself, as I sat there that day about to find myself taking a handful of meds a day. "There has to be another way" I thought.

Ummmmmmm, why yes Julie, that would be by *taking control*, changing your diet, moving your body.

I started to exercise, cut out sugar and sweets and can say that I am now am eating very healthy. Reading labels, staying away from processed foods, *very* little sugar, more protein, eating small meals several times a day are all working well for me. Suddenly, I'm craving things like peppers and hummus instead of popcorn and juice. I'm meeting the eliptical machine with a little more enthusiasm each morning, and then the hiking trails with much enthusiasm each day. I've started kickboxing, just once per week right now, but may add in another day. I have really got to add weights back in and am not sure what is holding me back from that. Jury is still out!

Yesterday, I had a two and a half hour long teleconference with my accountant for year end stuff and the tension was just about at peak at the end of the conversation. I took my dog out to the trail for 90 minutes and all the stress literally melted away. A year ago I would have tried to bottle it up with cookies or ice cream I'm sure.

I was SO discouraged to see no loss on the scale this morning (though I've been weighing myself daily and am losing each day) but I really think I need to STOP weighing daily, and just stick to once a week.

Though I KNOW my blood sugars have stabilized because of the way I feel, and some random "post meal" ones I have taken have been normal, I have not checked my fasting in about two months. Yikes!!!

After weighing today, I decided to check it.

99
My fasting blood sugar was 99. This was the first time in literally YEARS it has been below 100. NO medication! Just good diet and exercise.

I am getting a re-check of my a1c in a couple of weeks. I cannot WAIT till the day I can post here officially:

I do NOT have diabetes! :) I WILL be posting that..so stay tuned!

"No one wants this more than you."

2012-01-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

A little more than two years ago, I was driving my daughter to school listening to our favorite morning radio show. The two radio personalities and a bunch of other people at the station were all trying to lose weight together and somehow got a nutritionist involved, Bobby Kleinau. I heard him on the radio that morning and had learned that he had lost 140 pounds himself many years prior. Listening to him on the radio, I really admired his passion to help people with losing weight and I took down his email address given over the radio. That very day, was the day I was signed up to go to the gastric bypass informational meeting. I had every intention of going to that meeting, check in hand, signing up, and doing everything I had to do to get that surgery ASAP.

I got home, emailed Bobby, and he wrote back to me right away. I still went to the meeting to find out what it was all about. I still had my checkbook ready, but felt like the prospect of working with Bobby would likely be a much better option. I left that meeting, that I had driven two hours to, with tears in my eyes. I just could not bring myself to even sign myself up for the consult. I *knew* it was not for me. I know that for many people, it has been a tremendous blessing. For me, I had a LOT of work to do in my mind. I KNEW I was NOT in a place to be compliant. I was not ready mentally for it. I also knew that if I had to change my mind and relationship with food, then why couldn't I do that without the surgery?

Within a week or so, Bobby and I started working together. This continued for over six months and I lost over 20 pounds in the beginning. He introduced me to an entirely different way of eating and his passion on the topic was contagious. He was so supportive and always a text message away, in addition to meeting together every two weeks.

But I stalled. The emotional eating, especially at night, was just aweful. I always seemed to have an excuse and I let it control me. Funny how I speak of "the emotional eating" as if it's a thing..and I had nothing to do with it, huh?

Eventually, our 12 sessions were up. We still met for a couple more, and then Bobby was transferred to New York for his job. We've always remained friends and stayed in contact.

Over the past two years, a lot has happened with me. ~~Let's just wipe July 2010-Oct 2011 right off the face of the universe!~~ However, when it comes to people that have made a huge impact on my life, Bobby is up there. I often recall tidbits of wisdom he had shared with me and never would forget his passion for health. He is just an awesome person!

That's all GREAT. There are a few other people who have really impacted me as well. But something I have rather recently learned and started to apply is that: These people are a great *inspiration*. *Motivation* has got to come from within.

When the rubber meets the road, it's cloudy outside, you're bummed out, you don't have a meeting set up with one of your favorite people et etc: who wants this? where's the motivation? It has got to come from within your own self!!

Yesterday, I was wasting a little time on Facebook lamenting over the fact that I had promised myself that as soon as I get the kids off to school, it is time to workout. I had already NOT gotten up extra early to do the eliptical *before* getting them ready for school. I saw the following, posted by Jody Fit at 54:

"Whoa.." I thought. Well how true is that Julie? I don't know what is was, but I put on my sneakers and hopped on the eliptical. When I was done, I was thinking "gee...I *really* should try to go for a hike. Crap..have an teleconference at 11 with the accountant..well, I *could* go for at least 30 minutes..hmmmm" Then, my phone rang and it was my accountant needing to reschedule. So..off to the trail I went for a little more than an hour long hike.

I walked and walked. My legs were tired. It was gray and dreary and cold out. I didn't care. I just kept thinking of that little sign. *Particularly* the "no one wants this more than you" part. NO ONE. Not my husband, not my kids, not my friends, not any trainers I've had, nutritionists, and so on and so on. I thought to myself "Julie, it's just you. How bad do you want this??"

It's not simply about a checklist. Eat 1400 calories, exercise "x" number of minutes a day. I have to really want it. My mind has to be in the game.

I was thinking of all this while I was hiking and many of my conversations with Bobby came to my mind. Things he said to me almost two years ago that I finally "got". I'm really thankful to him!

Some of the things I'm finding that I really love about hiking:
-the sound of my own footsteps in the silent woods
-I'm going somewhere. I'm not just in one spot as in on the eliptical..it's kind of symbolic of this journey I'm on
-I'm not just engaged physically, but mentally, spiritually and emotionally. When I'm alone with myself outdoors, there's just something cool about that.
-breathing in the cold
-the sound of nature..of whatever critters are out there
-watching my footing so as not to fall (again, symbolic)
-it is real meditative time and I love it.

I think this could soon become a healthy addiction! :)

Future Motivational Speakers..

2012-01-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

I was on the eliptical this morning and have been working on increasing both the incline and the resistance. I was up to 9 on both and was feeling it, when my 20 year old daughter walked into the room with her iPhone and played this adorable YouTube video for me. It was just what I needed to finish the workout! She had me laughing!! : (she and her roommates watched this over and over while studying for finals!)
Note: this is not my child..it's a Youtube video that went viral and the mom left up because it inspired so many people.

Then she showed me this one. This kid is going places! (same with this one..not my child :)

I had a wonderful Saturday. It blows my mind that it's JANUARY in New Hampshire and it was a *gorgeous*, sunny, 55 degree day. I actually got up early and hopped on the eliptical for 35 minutes. My husband agreed to take Emily to horseback and I went out to the woods for a 75 minute hike. The trail I chose today had several small hills (well, I guess it depends upon your definition of a hill. gradual inclines I guess?) I SO loved this. I could have kept going another 75 minutes except I had an appointment and had SO much water this morning that well, I just had to stop.

At this point I felt really good and energized. Stopped home for lunch and then was off and got to get my nails done. This evening I got my dinner at the Whole Foods Market salad bar. I came home and did another 30 minutes on the eliptical. I came in just shy of 1400 *good* calories today and got 2 hours 15 minutes of exercise today.

I've started using the LINK armband system by Bodymedia. It's kind of cool to see how many calories you've burned throughout the day. What is pissing me off is it did not detect the eliptical as "vigorous" activity. I busted my ass on that thing..twice today..and it's calling it "moderate"?? What the heck does it consider "vigorous"? I know my body pretty well and know when I'm working moderately or vigorously. I'll be interested to wear it running or when I'm at my kickboxing session. I realize it's just a tool and hopefully will be a decent source of info.

I had a LOT of good "clearing my head" time today and was able to calmly and peacefully think through a lot of things. I'm very grateful. Tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful one! I am definitely hitting that trail again in the morning because I have some company coming over and let's just say I need to be very proactive with stress management tomorrow! :)

Joy In Saying "No"

2012-01-06T07:17:00.000-08:00

TGIF! :) Not really, though. It has been a *really* great week for my children and myself. The kids started school and so far are loving it. Sure they are still in the honeymoon phase, but I am already seeing how we will all greatly reap the rewards of a good weekday routine, something that was sorely lacking previously.

My kids walk to school, and call me overprotective, but I am not ready to let them walk alone to school through the woods so I walk with them. I am SO thankful that as long as they are in the public school system, they will always be "walkers" for the middle school is practically next to the elementary, and they'd also walk to the high school. Though it's been very cold this week, it feels *so* good to get outside first thing in the morning and get a cool, brisk walk in. It's good for them to move before school, and good for me. The fresh air is good for the mood also. :)

Yesterday, I went down to Burlington to meet Ann and we browsed Barnes and Noble and then went to Greater Boston Running Company where I got a good pair of Brooks running shoes. I promised Lizzie I'd take her this morning to get herself some. It's supposed to be a good weekend, and Lizzie and I are planning to run together.

There were several temptations this week with food that I just had to decide: how bad do you want this? I met a friend for lunch earlier this week. She was going to come here for lunch, but suggested going out. I said sure, but NO fast food. We met at a restaurant that had a decent salad bar. I had a salad (one trip) and water for lunch. The salad was all greens and veggies and a little egg..no pasta and all that stuff. My friend ordered this plate of "cheddar biscuit" thingy's. They were deceivingly small. She kept telling me to try one and knowing I was low on calories for the day, I did find out from the waitress how many calories were in one FIRST, and allowed myself to have ONE. They were 110. I ate it very slowly and didn't feel an ounce of guilt. It felt *really* good to walk out of their not having ordered a meal for lunch that could have been literally hundreds of calories, or probably easily more.

I have so much more restraint during the day than the evening. In the evening, if the family has pizza night, for instance, I really struggle. The other day, they wanted my homemade macaroni and cheese and I made it. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I've always been a pretty good cook of fall/winter "comfort" foods. There are several dishes that are "regulars" in our family, that they enjoy. I also have some mean crockpot recipes! Most of them I really am trying to avoid, especially the carbs. I don't mind fixing myself something different. I will often choose fish since it cooks quickly and I can make it alongside whatever else I'm cooking. Then I'll just add steamed veggies, and/or a salad. I would like to introduce changes to what the kids eat, slowly. I really struggle with this and need to think about it.

The other day, I went to the store and Lizzie asked me to buy "Tollhouse Break n Bake" cookies. She wanted to make something with Emily that she does at school. At first, inside I was thinking (selfishly) "ugh..why is she doing this to me". She wasn't doing anything to ME. She can actually make something like that, and have one or two cookies and leave it at that. She eats very healthy as a rule. She works out daily. She's 20. This is life Jules, suck it up. They are kids. They can have cookies every now and then. I never make them. Ever. It was a "treat" and a special sister time for her and Emmy. Whatever happened to making them from scratch though???

Last night I had trouble sleeping. I got up at about 1'ish and that fridge was calling to me. It took a LOT of restraint not to go into it and go after any leftovers. I had a glass of water and went back to bed. Anytime I have ever binged on something, I NEVER woke up the next morning thinking "wow, I'm so glad I ate __________ at midnight!" However, many times I have woken up thinking "wow, I'm so glad I overcame that temptation." I felt better and felt stronger and more empowered to deal with the next temptation.

It feels GOOD to say "no" to something. It's not a negative thing. Perhaps I should create a mantra or turn the phrase around to a positive statement. (not really too much into the psychobabble.. :) I just know that the "brain fog" has lifted. Blood sugars are stabilizing. I am certain my next hemoglobin A1C is going to be down considerably. My clothes are getting looser. I have more energy. I conquered a HUGE paralyzing fear this week that I've had for more than 14 years. This, I believe, will only give me courage to keep on keeping on and conquer more.

Leading By Example

2012-01-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning I was getting my youngest child ready for her horseback riding lesson. Riding is hard work. She is a little peanut and always is exhausted after her lesson. She's good.. Really good. She has a lot of potential. But she wants to give up too easily and quickly: when the going gets tough.

Saturday was no different. It was raining and dreary and suddenly came the whining and the tears, telling me she didn't want to go. I told her that that was not an option and that I have already paid for the lessons and that I know she enjoys them. "But... But.. It's New Year's Eve!" she cried. "Emily honey, your lesson is at 12:30. Nobody really cares about New Year's Eve yet!" She tried some other excuses but they didn't work.

I became frustrated thinking that she always wants to give up her activities and never wants to follow through on anything. I decided that I was not going to let her give this up because I know that she enjoys it. She's only 8.

Then it dawned on me that I have not been a good example to her when it comes to following through. I have not followed through on many things that I said I was going to and I feel ashamed. Why should I expect her to be any different when I am not leading by example? Why should I think that she cannot quit when I have quit easily myself?

I started to wonder how I'm going to teach her to be strong and to persevere and to follow through with what you start and finish it to completion. There must be a book on that right?

I realized at that moment that the only way that I'm going to be able to teach her this is simply to lead by example and hope that she will follow in my footsteps. For whatever example that I do set forth she will probably follow in some way whether it is positive or negative, right?

A good portion of her character is going to be formed by what she observes in her parents.

For many years my children have watched my poor eating habits, lack of exercise and lack of follow-through on resolutions that I've made. They've also seen me put my passions and interests on the back burner. This stops now and I start leading by example. I want them so very badly to go after what it is they desire to do; to pursue their hearts desire, whatever that may be.

Miss Emily's riding instructor poked his head out Saturday after her lesson and told me that it was time to talk about where she wanted to go with this and what the next step was. He said she is progressing very quickly and has amazing form and is ready to start showing. He is the owner of this farm and he's only 24 years old. He has skill and expertise that is just stunning. People twice his age come from all over to learn from him. He takes riders at his academy from local shows on the way up to national and said that Emily has great potential and he would like her to join the team. There are a lot of other little girls her age there that are riders also and also do shows. Emily loves riding and she's comfortable in the ring. I like the instructor. He is kind to her but pushes her and is very strict. Emily is very shy and is afraid of starting to do shows. I would like to encourage her to at least try. I think it would be great for her self-esteem and her confidence. I would really like to see her pursue something that she's so interested in. Little diddly things like "not feeling like going today" are not an option though. (just like little diddly things like "I don't feel like working out today" cannot be an option for me!)

This will take perseverance and a lot of commitment. She needs to learn this.

As I was thinking about all of this Saturday on the long ride back from the farm, I realize that I have a great opportunity to teach her about commitment and perseverance simply by leading by example.

How committed am I to my weight loss goals, to getting healthy, to changing my life, to increasing my confidence? Am I willing to do what it takes to reach my goals? What am I willing to give up? Will I let anything get in my way? Will I give in and give up?

What about pursuing my interests? Am I going to let fear or shyness stand in my way? There are so many things to learn yet!

These things can make a difference in her future.

Sure I have taught my children many positive things. I have managed to successfully raise an amazing daughter who is a beautiful young woman inside and out. But I still have many years to go with the two younger ones. Much to learn and much to teach.

I must be sure to consciously lead by example.

They ARE watching!

Officially kicked my own butt today..

2012-01-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

Today was a GREAT day!

First of all, I came in just under my 1400 calorie limit..eating 5 small meals spread throughout the day.

I slept a little late today, because once again, I couldn't fall asleep last night. I really think that this will resolve itself though.

As of tonight, my body is officially mush. Most of it is from the kickboxing session tonight with my cousin and two aunts.

This afternoon, Ann came up to my neck of the woods and we went for a hike on one of the Audubon trails at Lake Massobesic for about an hour. Then, we went to the Windham Rail Trail and spent about a half hour walking/jogging. She helped by evaluating my running for me and giving me some tips. Thank you Ann! It was going to get dark soon and it was getting COLD so we headed back to my house and she headed home.

I had dinner and headed out to kickboxing with my cousin and two aunts. That was a KILLER tonight and nearly puke-provoking. The trainer, Reggie, is a lot of fun and a great guy. I do have to ask though, if you happen to be a trainer and are reading this: what the heck is it with you people getting a kick out of making your clients puke??? Why is this funny? Do you delight in dry heaving clients? The place I trained at previously had a policy: if you puke, you get a free t-shirt. I'm just sayin.... ;) Reggie is very nice though, he opens the window for you. What a gentleman! hehe

I'm much more sore after this session than last one. Probably because of what I did earlier today too. I don't know. I just know I got 2 1/2 hours of exercise in today and I feel GOOD! And tired. And a little sore but ssssh I won't complain.. No regrets today, that is for sure.

I've never really been much of an outdoor girl. I do love the outdoors and have enjoyed it in doses, but I really think I could get used to hiking in the woods. There is no shortage of mountains and trails where I live. It's peaceful and relaxing and I love the fresh air and sunshine. There are lots of really nice people to meet along the Massobesic trails..along with lots of really nice dogs too! :) I would like to make it part of my routine to get the kids off to school, and head right to one of the trails with my dog Bella. It'll be good for her too. She is painfully shy and needs more socialization! Believe it or not, we have no snow yet here in New Hampshire! It's likely coming though so it looks like snowshoes are in my future. I'm going to get some Yaktrax also.

When I got home tonight from kickboxing, Lizzie had made sure the kids were scrubbed and tubbed and ready for bed. Have I ever mentioned what an amazing girl she is? LOL Well, she is! :)

Tomorrow is school registration day for the kids. Good-bye homeschooling. Deep breath...

Routine

2012-01-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone!

Today has been a good day, though uneventful.

I slept late, got up and got right on the eliptical machine. As of 8:30 pm tonight, I got a total of 120 minutes of cardio in today. One hour on the eliptical and one hour walking...all in 30 minute increments.

I have a killer headache tonight, despite drinking a ton of water today. I didn't have any coffee this morning so that may have something to do with it.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day and I'm going to go on a hike with a friend, and have kickboxing tomorrow night. I'll be sure to get the eliptical in in the morning as well.

This is a HUGE week for us. Tuesday morning I'll go to the school to register the kids. I think I've made the right decision, but confess I am really nervous. I have everything I need for my son in regards to paperwork. I hope the IEP process goes smoothly. I hope I'm strong enough and eloquent enough to speak up for his needs at the meetings. I'll definitely have his psychologist be a part of those, but I have to pay for all of that out of pocket. I am just praying it all goes ok. The kids are excited! And who am I kidding? *I* am excited that I'll have some "me" time!

I was thinking about what would be the most important thing to work on in the month of January, and decided it is *routine*. Routine will be cruicial for all of us all around. My kids will need it being in school now. I need it for sure: to get my work done, progress with losing weight, and solidify my exercise regime. I have never been very good at keeping to routines as I've just been too plain spontaneous. The morning won't be too difficult as getting up and out dictates a routine. The challenge will be during the day, after school, and evening. This will take a lot of work and dedication.

Bring it on..I am SO ready.

I'll start with a decent bedtime. By 10 for me. Which is now. Goodnight! :)

Being More Prepared for a Change of Plans

2011-12-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day..and a long one. I finally got to sleep last night and slept well for what was left of it. I will definitely have a good sleep tonight. I'm exhausted!

My son's (super hyper) friend came over to play and the two were super hyper together. A major Nerf battle commenced in my living room. After several ornaments were knocked off the tree, I sent them downstairs to play. Apparantly there was a helium balloon down there and I found them trying to inhale helium. Suddenly, I smelled something coming out of the basement and learned it was my son's Axe deoderant spray. After confiscating that, I went down and they had both climbed into the dog's crate and shut themselves in there. Though tempted to get a padlock and lock them in there, I decided that may not be wise :) (just kidding..). Sigh... Suddenly, I had a strong desire to get them OUT of my house and take them somewhere. Off I went with two 10 year old boys to Chuck E. Cheese. Oooooh my...400 kids and a gazillion germs. Joy oh joy!! Purell anyone? They had a blast though. I found a booth off to the side and counted down the hour and a half while I stared at the "exit" sign, all the while just filling their cups with tokens.

His friend's mom picked him up, and it was time to head home. It was getting dark and I was thinking about what I'd make for dinner. I was tired and looking forward to relaxing. My husband had been texting me that his arm hurt from where he had his blood drawn. I made fun of him and told him to get a grip..it was probably just a bruise. I sat down for about 10 minutes and was about to make dinner when he came in from the other room complaining again. He NEVER complains so I finally asked to see what he was talking about. He had this big red swollen streak going up his arm to his armpit and really didn't look like he felt well. I felt so bad!! :(

Change of plans...off to the ER pronto where he had an ultrasound and ended up getting IV antibiotics. We'll go back again for the next couple of nights for more antibiotics. As I sat with him in the ER for a few hours, I thought "oh man...Chuck E Cheese AND a hospital in the same day? Where's the Clorox???"

I was able to go grocery shopping today and have the house well stocked with good foods, therefore when I was ravenous getting home late, I had a lot of decent things to pick at. But I wasn't prepared!!

I've made sure to do some preparation tonight as it is lack of preparation which is hands down my biggest problem with getting off track. When my plans suddenly change, as they did tonight at dinner time, if I'm not prepared with *something* to grab quickly again, I'm totally thrown off. And of course, you have to expect that plans can change at a moment's notice.

Some staples that I have on hand and ready now are: hard boiled eggs, hummus, almonds, turkey, Joseph's flax tortilla wraps, salad makings, grilled up chicken, apples, Justin's Maple Almond Butter. clementines, Chobani yogurt, and pumpkin flax granola. I usually can put together a small on the go meal with many of these items. I think with the way the next couple of weeks look, I should bag up something at the beginning of the day to literally just grab and go if need be.

Tomorrow should not be too difficult. The day is planned and I have plans to meet with an inspiring friend in the afternoon. Friday is going to be a tough one. I have pretty much an all day outing planned with my youngest daughter to American Girl Place and we'll probably be going out to lunch..and most likely at the Cheesecake Factory as we're going with my cousin. I dread that. (Cheesecake Factory, not the outing with my cousins and daughter :) I will look at their menu tomorrow and see if I can't decide ahead of time what I'll have. Perhaps if I plan accordingly and decide ahead of time, that will help with the temptation. There's only one meal I've ever had at the Cheesecake Factory and I can tell you it's NOT an option right now, and it's a good thing I hate cheesecake!

My daughter wants to workout with me while she's home from college. I'm looking forward to that. She took Fit Well course and has developed a love for exercise, having even run her first 5K this past semester. I'm really enjoying having her home!

Un-quiet Mind

2011-12-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

I know the feeling. All too well. Trying with all my might to quiet my mind and drift off to sleep, yet my mind is racing from one thought to the next. Getting out of bed once, twice, three times..to go write down an idea lest I forget. Why is it that at 2 am, I get the creative ideas for my next set of designs? Can't this occur at 9am M-F?

I do some deep breathing...try to meditate...wait! I forgot to tell so and so, such and such. Why did I say that? Why DIDN'T I say that? I didn't do this today. I will do that tomorrow. And vice versa.

I also know the anxiety that comes alive at night when I'm alone. No, I'm not really physically alone, but alone in my own mind. That time when all is quiet and I don't have someone or something else to tend to.

Though most of the time I still tell my therapist that I don't believe I have bipolar disorder, the truth is, I do. My brother has it bad. My father, when he was alive, we believe, had it also. It drives my therapist crazy I think that I flat out refuse to add any meds to my regime. I take one and I will only take one. Period. I won't take something to help me sleep. I won't take anything to stop my thoughts from racing. I won't take any anti-anxiety meds. (other than earlier this year when the anxiety was extremely intense) I don't believe in them. I really don't. I'm ok with the one drug that I do take, for now, because it has helped to "stabilize" my mood, yet I still "feel". I've tried many meds over the years and they are numbing..and I hate them. My brother is so numbed out from meds that it saddens me. I don't want to be numb. I enjoy *feeling* and living. My friends seem to love me and accept me in spite of my craziness, and sometimes my "craziness" is what makes life FUN.

I know how it feels. The crowded mind. Therefore, I know how he feels. My son, at age 6, was diagnosed with "mood disorder NOS". That's because calling a little kid Bipolar is very controversial so we'll give it a PC name instead. He has since been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome among a myriad of other alphabet soup diagnoses. I have not accepted the mood disorder diagnosis at this time. Thankfully, the psychologist that he sees regularly doesn't buy it either at this time. I am fearful that it is in his future. I've *seen* the mood swings. They are there. When my little boy is so outraged that his little lip quivers, or he breaks down in tears over the littlest thing, or he holds his head and says "my mind is going to explode", I understand. I understand how you feel honey. Mom understands.

It's not all bad. There's a lot of good that comes with it also, and perhaps on another evening I'll share from that perspective, for it certainly warrants discussing. I definitely feel good and get a lot done when I'm hypomanic, and those phases, professionally speaking, have made me a great deal of money as my creativity spikes to its peak.

This evening, as I sit here facing another night of insomnia, I'm deeply saddened. Not manic, not depressed. Just a mixed bag of blah. I think mostly because unless you live with it, you really don't get it. You just don't get how lonely it can feel sometimes. You can't get it. It must be incredibly frustrating for our loved ones. I can surely appreciate that. They want to help, and yet just don't know how. And it's all OK. It really is. It WILL pass. It always does. The cloud lifts and the sun always comes back out.

So here's my two cents.

If you're reading this and you have bipolar, learn to ride the waves, and try...to enjoy the ride. Sometimes it's enjoyable. Sometimes it sucks. Remember during the sucky times, that you'll cycle back to the good. Keep in the back of your mind during the good times, that you'll probably cycle back to the lousy, but try to take care of yourself to minimize those lousy times. I'm really learning to take care of myself in some key ways: exercising, which is the single greatest stress reliever ever; working on eating right; I have a *good* therapist that I trust and see weekly; and making sure to get needed alone time.

If you're reading this and you have a loved one with bipolar, and you have no clue how to deal with her/him, listen up. You truly do want to help, but have no idea what to do. Well, I don't know what to tell you except one thing. Just wrap your arms around them, give them a big hug, and say "It's ok. It's going to be ok. I'm here" I can't speak for anyone else, but honestly? That's all I want. I don't want anyone trying to give me a magic answer. I'm pretty intelligent and realize that one does not exist. Trust me people, a simple hug speaks VOLUMES.

Back to Life, Back to Reality...

2011-12-27T05:54:00.001-08:00

Twas the Night Before Christmas on Bayview Beach...I was able to get in a good walk on the beach before the Christmas Eve festivities. It felt so good! and so COLD!

After spending several days on beautiful Cape Cod for Christmas, it is time to pack up and go home. I sit and type, staring out the window at "my" beach and the sand dunes and honestly, wish I could stay for just a bit longer.

I actually could stay, but I have little kids that want to see their friends over Christmas break so it would behoove me to go home.

Everyone is gone. There were 13 of us all together. Mom and Grampa's wife are incredible bakers. My brother is a professional chef.They are all gone. It's just my three kids and myself. Back to work, back home. Not here. Guess who will spend the day dealing with ALL of the leftovers? Yours truly! Thankfully I feel like I only want to drink water and eat lettuce for the rest of my natural life.

Christmas with my family is always a joyful time together and I *am* very grateful for them. It's also a very stressful time. There is a LOT of alcohol. One of my brothers behaves like a total a**hole and while I'm glad to be here, I'm usually glad to go home too! Not this time though. (besides..he left too :)

See, I'm a master procrastinator. Christmas is a GREAT time to procrastinate because you are so busy with holiday preparations that most people just can't think past it. "After the holidays" has been my crutch for avoiding several things. I will not lie.

Well, it's after now. It's time to act now. It's time to face decisions that need to be made.

So here's the first one.

I'm scared to *death*!!! I have decided to enroll the kids in public school. Some of you may think I'm nuts for something like that being scary to me, but, oh well. :) I have had a big problem with the public school system since I've been a parent and have managed to avoid it. I homeschooled my oldest for 7 years, and then had her in a small private school. I've had my children in Montessori since toddlerhood until homeschooling them this year.

After a lot of consideration and a lot of prayer, I have decided that for their own good, and for MINE, that I will go enroll them right after the New Year, which just hit me today means, next Tuesday. Private school really isn't an option right now. They do not offer the services my son needs. This decision is made exceedingly difficult by the fact that my own husband is dead set against it. But the thing is, *I'm* the one who has to do it. And see, I QUIT. I RESIGN. I'M DONE. So I told him that if he'd like to quit his job and stay home and do the homeschooling, that is fine. Ain't happenin'? Didn't think so!

I don't want to sound selfish. I've made it abundantly clear to anyone that knows me that my children are *everything* to me. In order for me to be the best mother that I can be to each of them, I can not homeschool. I NEED to take care of myself. This is one step I can take to take care of them, and myself.

But I'm scared. I know my little girl will be ok. Will my son? Will he be able to handle the work? We will convene a meeting and get an IEP in place. His psychologist will help me with everything. He is GREAT. I guess we'll just take one day at a time and see how it goes.

Then of course there are other decisions...aaaaaaahhhhh! But then, that is life. "After the school thing...." Seeeeeeeeee? I'm so good at procrastinating! :)

Decisions, Decisions, and a Punch

2011-12-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to my first kickboxing session and absolutely loved it. Though I'm quite stiff and sore this morning, it's all good..and I can't wait to go back next week. Monday nights will be kickboxing with my cousin and two aunts who are all a hoot! I have been so full of stress from various things, that sometimes I feel like one of those cartoon characters that is going to have steam and fire coming out of their heads. This session literally melted it all away. To be able to kick and punch for an hour was great! It's a keeper for sure! The trainer is really good. I really like him and am seriously considering hiring him for one or two one/one sessions also per week.

I have a couple of major decisions to make that have been looming over my head. I've been stagnant on them for a long, long time and avoiding rather than facing. No doubt that 2012 stands to be a big year in many ways!

One of the decisions will be regarding this homeschooling. I'm just not sure about it. It's not that I don't know what I'm doing, that I *can't* do it, or that I don't think it's a good thing. It's that *I* need to take care of me, and I can't educate my children well with little to no support at home. My son's psychologist wants to "discuss" this with me today. We have not seen eye to eye on this subject from day one, but he has supported my decision thus far. I'm open to discussing again.

The other day, I saw this quote on Facebook that a friend of mine posted:

"You can stand in your past with a heart filled with sadness or you can choose to walk in to your future with faith, along with your own words whispering softly that settling and sadness will never be an option and smiles and happiness is the way to fully live. Thinking and not acting only means you choose to stand still. It's like an unsaid decision." ~ Wendy Paige

I have NO clue who Wendy Paige is, but thanks for that!

On another note, my daughter comes home *tomorrow*!!!! Hooray!!!!

Emotionally Speaking...

2011-12-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was told by someone very close to me that I "feel deeply". Ummmm, yep. It's like "looking down into an ocean", said he. As if this is a bad thing??!! Is it? I don't think so. Am I wrong? I would rather feel deeply..even as deep as an ocean, then not feel anything, or not be able to express any feelings or emotions.

I would much rather feel than stuff my feelings. Especially with food. I'm not talking about being over emotional. But being able to express emotions is a good thing and adds spice to life.

I also think I'd much rather look down into a deep ocean than stare at a brick wall. But that's just me.

So allow me to "emote" just a little, that today I have felt: briefly stressed, annoyed, hurt, joyful, happy, angry, sad, deep love for my kids. I attended our family party today and enjoyed my extended family. They know how to have FUN. I even enjoyed that darned cookie swap! People were hysterical. I held a cute, squishy, adorable baby. I cried at a good chick flick. I've thought seriously about some future decisions to be made. I wait with eager anticipation for my beloved daughter to come home from college Wednesday. I enjoyed observing the excitement in one child over Christmas, and listening to the giggles from another as he watched "Home Alone" for the gazillionth time.

Yeah, I feel deeply...and I'm not sorry that I do.

Because I Love Me and I Want What's Best For Me

2011-12-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

My son turned 10 years old last Saturday. My oldest will soon turn 20! Time flies so quickly.

My first two children are 10 years apart, so when I was pregnant with Jacob, it was like starting ALL over. Everything was different. There is a HUGE difference between having a baby at 20 and having a baby at 30.

During my pregnancy with my son, I developed gestational diabetes and wound up being insulin dependent. Though I "glowed" during my second trimester, the rest of the pregnancy was not easy. I took the gestational diabetes VERY seriously. I recall sitting at the doctor's office with the nutritionist as she told me *exactly* how I must eat to manage my blood sugars. I went home, and followed that plan to the T for the remainder of my pregnancy. I loved my baby and I wanted him to be healthy and develop properly. I was not going to risk doing anything to harm him.

As the pregnancy progressed, it became evident we would need to plan a c section. This kid was ginormous! I had to go for weekly ultrasounds towards the end. One week, I got a cortisone shot into my rib cartilage. The baby was tearing my rib cartilage. I would grab the doctor by the collar at 36, 37 weeks and BEG him to get this kid OUT. He promised a C-section at 38 weeks.

The surgery was planned for a Monday, December 10. I had literally eaten *perfectly* this entire pregnancy. I went into the pregnancy quite overweight. Well, I gained a grand total of: one pound. For the entire pregnancy. One pound. I lost fat weight and gained baby weight. Soooo....on December 10, 2001, I gave birth to an 11 lb 5 oz bouncing baby boy and promptly lost 34 lbs instantly. The gestational diabetes went away.

I have since gained all of that weight back. I've often asked myself how it is I was able to take my diet so seriously and it wasn't difficult at all. The answer is always the same: Because I loved him and I wanted what was best for him. I always want what is best for my children. Most parents do.

Why is it then, that I could follow the eating plan to the letter without difficulty then, but over the last ten years would abuse my body with junk even as a real diabetic?? "oh wah wah wah...it's so hard..I can't resist a stupid cookie?"

I have realized something. I love me too. And I want what's best for me too. I'm not being selfish.

Today I opened the freezer to take out something for dinner and saw FOUR things of ice cream in there. Yeah..I sent husband out to get ice cream for our family birthday party last weekend and he brought home FOUR. (yeah...I was not happy!) I saw the chocolate ice cream and for a brief moment felt like I was in that commercial with the ice cream talking to the woman "oh yeah baby..you know you want me..."

And I didn't want that miserable ice cream!

Because I love me :) and I want what's best for me. And that does not include chocolate ice cream.

By the way, squeaky clean eating day, and 50 minutes of intense cardio!

Time Is Precious

2011-12-13T06:15:00.000-08:00

Today I intend to mindfully spend my time wisely. There are so many time robbers. My days need to be re-structured. Actually, my days aren't so bad..but my evenings? OY!

Time is so precious, and so valuable. It can build relationships..and tear them down if you let it.

I'm SO tired at the end of the day, that I often just want the kids to go to bed and leave. me. alone. My 8 year old can do that. She is a little peanut and just goes to bed and falls asleep. My son has incredible night time anxieties and is constantly coming out of his room in a great deal of turmoil. All he wants is me to go upstairs and lay down with him and talk to him. When I do, those are our most special times together. We talk about everything, he feels secure, he opens up to me, we laugh a lot and I feel like somehow, I have gotten through to him. But many nights now I resist, because I want "me" time. My little girl is perfectly happy just to be all snuggled on my lap. All she wants is for me to hold her in the evening, but I'm often working and sometimes, I just want "me" time. But what am I DOING with said "me" time in the evening? Most of the time, not much. Surfing the net? Facebook? OH PLEASE!

Today I vow to:

snuggle with my 8 year old and not worry about work that can wait
play a game with my children
allow my son to stay up a little later and talk with him tonight
read to them both
drive all over creation to take him to his appointments
take a few minutes to call my 93 year old nana even though she probably won't remember that I did

Time is precious. Time invested in your loved ones is the most precious of all.

Cookie Swap and Starting The Day Off Right

2011-12-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

Upcoming Family Cookie Swap

With only two more weeks until Christmas, and TONS to do in the coming weeks, I'm tempted to start to panic a bit. I am not finished with Christmas shopping, haven't wrapped a thing, and the holiday baking ritual is upon me. Though the last couple of years I have given the task of making Christmas cookies to Lizzie, and allowed her to do that with the children, I still have the big family party cookie swap to deal with.

Have I not written of this precious little ritual? Ugh! I don't even know WHY I signed up for it! Oh wait..I do know why. It's because I was feeling sooooo festive and Christmasy and like quite the little joiner. All the women (and any men that want to) sign up for the cookie swap. You make some fancy shmancy holiday cookies and bundle them up in cute little bundles of 6. With the vast array of darling holiday baked goods wrappings available, and bows and such, it kind of becomes a stupid little contest of who did the cutest job on their cookie bundling. Seriously. I got some awesome stuff at Hobby Lobby!

You arrive at the party, with your 14 or 15 bundles of cookies and everyone lays them out in their spot on the table. Then, after a while when everyone's eaten and before people are drunk, it's time to do the .....TA DA! "COOKIE SWAP" One at a time, the person goes up and gives a little monologue about their special cookies, what they're called, where they got their recipe, blah blah blah. I was into this when I was a mom of one. As I had my last two babies at the holidays (November and December), I wasn't into it for a couple of years. One year, I got my cookies at Costco. They looked better than anything I could ever bake. It was the first year people did the monologue thing. That year, my monologue was "These are my convenient 'Julie has two babies and no freaking time for stupid cookie swaps masterpiece!" It's kind of a "tongue in cheek" event.

When you are done, you all leave with one bundle of everyone's cookies and go home. And eat them. So, not to be vicious, or rude, but I hope everyone BURNS their cookies this year ok? ;)

Starting the Day Off Right

Though I had a lot to do this morning, I was SORE from my workout yesterday. I'm talking, down the stairs with two hands on the railing. I knew I had to keep going, so I got my water and the first thing I did today was hop on my eliptical and did intervals for 35 minutes. I felt great after, and I am no longer sore either. I am pretty sure if I had chosen NOT to exercise, then I would have felt worse.

Today has been rather "stressful" as a homeschooling mom. Especially dealing with my son! I'm really starting to feel the effects of the exercise on my internal stress level, and staying calm and in control. My son had a very difficult day emotionally and while in the past it may have derailed me (even if only internally), it did not today.

My heart still breaks as I am really struggling to find a way to help him academically and emotionally. We have a good team in place..all of whom support my homeschooling of my son and also my firm resolve NOT to medicate him at this time. I have been to conventions, spent hours scouring the internet reading articles, listening to audiobooks, and am even going to a conference across the country to hear some speakers and hopefully arm myself with some new tools to try to help him. I just wish he did not struggle so much. One of the hardest things is that he can't seem to *express* to me what he is struggling with. He holds his head and is often "paralyzed" when given a very simple task or asked a simple question. He has made huge strides in math as I have his former montessori teacher coming twice a week to work with him one on one, and he does enjoy his co-op class so I'm glad for that...although he has a five paragraph essay due Thursday, and the poor kid can barely write a single paragraph. Fun days ahead..The thing is, the kid is a *genius*. His IQ is probably triple mine!

As this day comes to a close, I'm really so glad that I chose this morning to attend to "first things first" by taking care of me and getting on that machine and having a good breakfast. Sure we got started with our schooling 45 minutes late, but I really believe it has paid off ten fold!

Oh Yes You Can!!

2011-12-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

Well hell has apparantly frozen over or pigs have flown, because there was a time when I believed that it wasn't until one of those things happened that I would be able to run at all. I couldn't even run when I was 15 and 125 lbs!

Today I went out and hit the local rail trail which I love..and after about 2 miles of walking, decided to try jogging. So I did..for about a minute. Then I stopped. And guess what? I was still ALIVE. So I walked some more, and ran some more, and walked, and ran. Each time I completed an interval of jogging I was absolutely shocked that I had done it. I did 7 intervals of jogging in my last 3 miles, and 5 miles total between the walking and jogging. It felt so good! (I'm not sure I'm going to feel so great in the morning though...:)

While I was walking and before I had started to do any jogging, I was wondering what I was going to do when it got REALLY cold and we had a lot of snow and thought that maybe I'd try cross country skiing. When that thought had entered my mind, immediately my inner bully said "are you nuts? you can't do that!" Thinking, well why NOT?? This is a GREAT trail for it, and there are 4,987,393 places in NH to ski or learn to ski anyway.

I started thinking about those words "I can't" and for some reason jogging popped into my head and out of the blue I just said to myself "oh for pete's sake Julie, YES YOU CAN..JUST DO IT!" And I did.

Thankfully there wasn't a living soul around to see it. The animals were probably laughing. I don't care.

"Can't" will no longer be in my vocabulary. I remember my patient back in my days of nursing: A young mother who had been paralyzed from a brain aneurysm during child birth and never gave up on recovery. She could speak, but you had to lean over to hear her. If I ever said "can't" during any of our conversations, she'd pull me close to her by my uniform and say, in the whisper that she was only able to utter: "you listen to me and listen good!!! There is no such thing as the word 'can't'." I do believe she may be right!!

Not A Creature Was Stirring...

2011-12-09T14:13:00.000-08:00

No, really. There wasn't. After 5 days of living terrified of what I thought was something living in my wall or crawlspace in our dormered bedroom, the exterminator FINALLY came today and took care of things. It's a family owned business.
The husband didn't show up Wednesday.
The son didn't show up yesterday.
Leave it to the wife to get it right and show up on time today and get things done and get it done right!

But even better, I've had 3 hours of pure. beautiful. wonderful. magnificent. blissful silence.

It has been a really lousy week. My dear friend of over 25 years offered to take my kids for me this afternoon. She may have well saved me from drowning because that's how I felt: like someone who just could not keep her head above the water. I am so thankful! She has a girl a few years older than my girl, and her older boys that Jake just really looks up to. The kids were ecstatic.

ALL morning I wanted to go for a good long walk. I *needed* to go for a good long walk. Desperately. Alone. I really wanted to have a good, brisk, quiet, walk. Is that too much to ask? Once I got the kids off, that is exactly what I did. Those walks are so good for the soul. It wasn't just a good cardio workout for me, but a good mental one as well and I felt like a different person afterwards. Somehow, someway, I'm going to make sure to get outside for some cardio more often. (like, every day if I can!)

Wanna know why the wife showed up today instead of the husband and son? Because some other poor woman on the other side of the state had a RAT climb out of her toilet today. See? There's ALWAYS someone so much worse off.....

Today's FAIL

2011-12-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

Warning: stupid whining rant ahead. Today could be titled "Julie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" with a few good expletives thrown in for good measure. Seriously. It was a bad one.

I'm running mega low on sleep. We have uninvited visitor(s) in the crawl space upstairs and I don't know what it is. I called an exterminator and they didn't show up today. I was ready to kill! Supposedly they'll be here tomorrow. My husband has done squat about the situation so he's on my sh*t list too.

These little suckers are keeping me up all night and sorry, not to be a wimp, but yeah, they are terrifying me. I am a woman who needs my sleep!

My children are fighting non stop. They are arguing and my son really lacks self regulating skills and just yells..a lot. And he's loud. They gave me a hard time over every single thing I asked them to do.

No, I am not the perfect patient mommy I wish I were. I have my moments. My very very shameful moments.

Today was one of them.

My poor son yelled one time too many. Actually, both children did..and then I *lost* it. I yelled (screamed) at them AND swore and made them both go in their room. Because you know, yelling at your kids to get them to stop yelling is just SO effective! Sigh. I feel like such a loser. Both children were terribly upset. I went to apologize to each child. My son was on his bed drawing pictures of mommy yelling in "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" style, and my daughter had written a four million page journal entry. She's 8.

Then. THEN. Tonight, it was time for my annual Christmas shopping outing with father in law. God help me and God bless him. Let's just leave it at that, shall we????

I came back home, and any housework I had done today was ondone. I was seething inside and felt like Miss Hannigan from "Annie": "Kill! Kill! KILL!!!!"

So upstairs I go to lay down, deep breath and relax, and what do I hear? My new roommate living in the crawl space.

I had a GREAT day eating. I did a great job exercising. I'm proud. Yippee. Yahoo. But the fact that I could not control myself and my mood spiraled out of control just overshadows anything else.

And then I turn on the news and see what's going on in the world. And how at the end of the day. At the end of my so called "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" with many expletives added, what have I honestly got to complain about? Absolutely nothing in the whole scheme of things!

Why does it feel so difficult sometimes? And why do we beat ourselves up so much???

Looking For Balance

2011-12-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a "class/support group" thingy that my son's Speech Language Pathologist is hosting once per month. This was the first class. The purpose is to help learn to communicate with your child to optimize behavior. Basically, the SLP, who is AWESOME, facilitates the meeting and we all just talk about whatever we need help with. One is bound to have an idea to share with the other etc.

As it so happens, just one other mom showed up to this first meeting. The next meeting is next week and there are many more moms coming. Funny how just the moms go! Most of the children fall somewhere on the autism spectrum.

This mom that was there has a little boy that is non verbal. She kept putting herself down and said it seemed like everyone else had it all together except her; that she was doing something wrong. The guilt was *oozing*. I offered her some suggestions for a couple of things and she commented that *I* seemed to have it all together. I laughed out loud because I do NOT have it all together! (Janel if you are reading stop laughing! hehe) Moms may "get" this more than dads.
Ok...this is me most days:

She said that she imagines the pretty little family, with their kids all dressed in matching clothing, behaving perfectly, bows in the hair etc, perfect husband/wife pair (exaggerating)..and then there's her--a total wreck. I leaned over and told her I knew how she felt and to listen carefully: people that pretend to have it all together are full of shit! Ok? they're just full of it. No one has it all together. They're big fat liars if they say they do.

I told her what my impression of her was. Her appointment each week is before my son's so I always see her in the office and we have a few words but I'd never officially met her. I told her that as I was driving to the meeting that night, that I kind of hoped she would be at the meeting because she seemed like such a GREAT, loving mom (based on my limited observation) and would probably have something wonderful to share. She didn't disappoint either.

The SLP is so encouraging and on my days when I'm at my wits end and wondering what the HELL I am doing, she is a great source of encouragement. I am really looking forward to this monthly meeting. I'm ready for some new "tools" for my toolbox to help me with my little buddy!

The truth is, I'm not sure I do know what I'm doing! I do know that I'm trying. Trying to do right by my kids. Trying to find balance between home, business, homeschooling, raising the kids, internal spiritual/emotional struggles, and last but *certainly* not least, taking good care of myself. Can that include a glass of wine please?

The Worst of Times Can Yield the Best of Times

2011-12-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it has been so long since I've updated here!

It is always true in my life that the most challenging times turn out to be the very most rewarding in terms of personal growth. If you allow the growth to occur and try to maintain a positive outlook, this is probably true of most people.

Though going through those times *seem* miserable and as if the world is crumbling down around me, I *always* come out on the other side stronger and grateful for those times and the circumstances surrounding them.

Therefore, I should not be surprised to say that the last year and a half has yielded a great deal of growth and inner wisdom for which I am truly thankful. However, for some reason, I still always find myself surprised! Financial, relational and physical challenges, while all part of life, make for lots of stress and lots of challenges!

Eighteen months ago, it all seemed to hit at once. When I finally realized my life was not over (insert hyperbole) from the first "challenge", I got ill. Not deathly ill, but ill that it severely impacted not only my life but my family's. Then I got excited, because I was going to have this brain surgery to make it all go away. I had NO idea what an involved surgery it was and that recovery would take me most of 2011! The surgeon left out that little tidbit of info. I had plans for 2011. I turned 40 this year! When things were getting back on track this fall, *another* surgery, though not as major, and with a relieving and positive outcome, threw me off for a couple of weeks. This past September, I started homeschooling my two youngest children. That has proven to be *quite* a challenge. Though I enjoy them tremendously, this mama is often feeling like tearing her hair out!

Despite it all, I am "back to myself", and dedicated to putting my own priorities in order. I have just started to be able to exercise again, which if nothing else is the best antidepressant "medicine" for me. Eating better makes me *feel* good, and to be quite frank, for the first time ever, I truly couldn't care less about all the delectable holiday treats on the horizon. The thought of them makes me nauseas. With any luck the feeling will still be there during the holiday parties! :)

I do not need to set weight goals, join contests, make charts etc for weight loss. I just want to take care of myself and feel good, and I already well know what is necessary to achieve that. If I do those things, the weight loss will happen, because having just gotten on the scale for the first time in *months* because my clothes were getting baggy, I learned I have let go of 14 lbs without even "trying" (in my prior traditional ways that did not work). I just need to get up each morning..and MOVE. And get outside with the kids and MOVE some more. And keep moving. And give each battle everything I've got to give, because these battles ARE life and death. If it were a real physical battle for imminent life or death, very few people would just give in and lay down and die.

Oh yeah..and one more thing..not take the kids to the grocery store with me! :)

Though in one respect I would rather forget the past year and a half and chalk it up to a series of bad dreams, I'll choose to be thankful for it, learn from it, and grow. I have no doubt the best of times are yet to come!

Then and Now

2011-04-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

Chatting with a dear friend tonight over the internet, we were reminiscing about the "good ole days" when we met back in 1985. He lived in northern Maine and I, in Massachusetts. At that time, we were *really* young, and highschool sweethearts. We visited back and forth and communicated the old fashioned way...the handwritten letter..and a weekly phone call on Saturday mornings that we each had to pay our parents for because there was no such thing as unlimited long distance or cell phones. We each put at least 5-10 letters a week in the mail to each other detailing every detail of our adventurous day, because SO much happens when you're in the 9th and 10th grade!

Obviously, that relationship didn't last as it was, but we always remained friends, grew up, meeting up at least once a year or so for quite a while. He came to my wedding, and my husband and I to his. Other than a yearly Christmas card from he and his wife for many years, I didn't hear from him until 12 years later when I found him in a totally random google search and found him and his organization online. We became friends on Facebook and send Facebook emails back and forth now. We met up at a conference in Boson last spring, which was really awesome, where he was one of four chosen to give a speech on the last morning. As a result of that speech, long story short, he got a book deal with Hay House Publishers. Now, he is in pretty high demand as a speaker with the new release of his book and is even speaking at some of Hay House's big "I Can Do it" conferences and I couldn't be happier for him.

So back to tonight. We were chatting a little and laughing over his then mullet and my then green hair. I had a patch in the back from all the "Sun In" peroxide stuff I used to spray in my hair, combined with lots of swimming in the swimming pool. That's when we met at the Bangor State Fair..he with his mullet and I with my green hair. We always laugh over that.

With his new-found "fame" :), he struggles managing the oodles of email that comes in. As a business owner with 20,000+ customers worldwide, I can relate. We were both talking about how we miss those days when there was no such thing as a cell phone, we did not have a computer, and we lived for the mail man to get our letters. Life wasn't so bad back then! We were talking about how things have changed so much in so many ways, yet actually, have they? I told him that I didn't care how "famous" he got, he'd always be the same down to earth guy that I have always known and he reciprocated a similar sentiment.

I think what struck me most about this conversation was, that despite 26 years having passed now from that most memorable time in my youth, I am still the same person. So is he. (sans the mullet and green hair!) I haven't lost my "identity" despite life taking many (unexpected) twists and turns. Life is supposed to do that. I'm almost 40..deep in my soul, not much has changed. I still have many (more now) of the same passions I had back then. I'm just wiser and a bit more discerning:)

It was an appropriate time for the conversation as I've wrestled lately with so many different things internally.

Despite the many hats I wear...mother, wife, daughter, friend, business owner...and so on and so on..they need not take away from Julie. I sometimes feel torn, as if I have to "choose" who to be? I've often asked myself the question: "Will the REAL Julie please stand up?"

I don't need to "find" myself. If I did, that would mean I'd lost myself, and I suppose there's some clinical diagnosis for that. :) I just need to BE myself...

But I want more. I don't know what that more is right now, I just know I want it. Not in a "material" way at all. Just to be a better person. Perhaps take back some of the ideals and dreams that I've set on the back burner.

I'm reminded of a quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer "Don't die with your music still inside you.." I have a lot of music to play yet!

Ah well, tomorrow is another day!

Random Restless Thoughts...ADD style

2011-04-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel just completely restless inside?

I've been trying to come up with a word for it and I think the word "restless" best describes how I'm feeling.

I haven't been able to pinpoint what exactly is causing my restlessness. I think it's just too many things happening..and not happening..at once. But I'm terribly restless..both literally and figuratively.

I suppose being cooped up for a period of time has been contributing to it, but it's more than just a "I need to get out of here" feeling. It's 1am and once again, I find myself sitting downstairs by the fireplace, able to hear a pin drop, wondering what I'm doing with my life.

I feel as if I should just be content working from home and doing the mama minivan thing. But I'm not..not completely. There, I admit it. Don't get me wrong..I love my children to pieces and enjoy them immensely (usually :). But my identity is not wrapped up completely in motherhood. There's a guilt thing that goes with that for admitting it. I can just feel the mommy wars now...

I want to do TOO many things. Go so many places. I'm having a serious case of wanderlust. I haven't travelled since September and the closest trip on the horizon is to the Cape..which will be great because I'll be alone, and possibly the BlogHer conference in August, which would be neat since it's across the country. I'll have to see how recovery goes before planning any more trips.

Yes, perhaps it is that the travel bug has bit only this time, a big trip of any length is not a possibility for a while. Last year I had the opportunity for some great trips: a great business trip to Florida and meet up with an old great friend, a killer mommy/daughter Disney trip with Emily in March, followed by a fantastic conference meeting up with another wonderful friend, and the trip to Spain to visit Lizzie, with plenty of good Cape time in between. I'm wondering why I didn't choose a profession that afforded more travel! aaaah, I suppose it would get old fast if I had to do it all the time.

I've been thinking lately also about work. I have a great thing going business wise and enjoy what I do because I get to use my creativity, work for myself, set my own hours, and work from home. Being a computer based business, I'm online. All. The. Time. After 6 years in business, I'm telling myself it's OK to set business hours and be "closed" after a certain time in the evening..and on weekends. No?

Having been a nurse for 10 years prior to my embroidery business, I MISS using my God given gift. Though what I do now is far more lucrative than nursing ever was, the intrinsic rewards of nursing still remain deep within me. Compassion continues to be one of my greatest core values. I have been thinking of eventually taking the refresher course and resuming practicing nursing..even if only per diem. I was an excellent nurse and loved my patients so much. Working on geriatric psych and neurobehavioral rehab, I met some very umm, interesting people. My nurse manager accused me of being too altruistic. I don't know how that's possible to be TOO altruistic. I wanted things done right and believed my patients deserved to be treated right because they were human beings. As a nurse in an inner city facility, I had some tough nursing assistants working under me and worked hard over the years, finally really earning their respect. Yes, I really do miss it...so much that I still have dreams that I forgot to do my med pass, am late for my 7am shift, forgot to do narcotic count, or left with the med cart keys. :)

I always find myself thankful, ultimately, for the 'restless' times, when I can just think about things..in peace and quiet. Yes, I'll consider it a good thing. If anyone has read this far, it's a miracle..but that's ok..because it kept me from eating anything through the restlessness!

'Nite all!

Just MOVE!

2011-04-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

For all the times I complained to the trainer of discomfort while working out..
For all the times I took the elevator instead of the stairs..
For all the times I went through a drive through instead parking the car and going inside..
For all the times I put extra effort into parking close instead of at the back of the parking lot..
For all the times I didn't take my dog Bella for a walk because I was too tired, cold, hot etc..
For all the times I didn't put extra effort into being active with the kids..
For all the times I was plain lazy so I just didn't move..
I'm sorry!

Oh, thankfully I'm just recovering from surgery and will have the opportunity for redemption, but I'm truly going stir crazy "staying down and taking it easy". Our bodies were meant to move..yet I never really appreciated and truly valued that notion until I had a strong desire to exercise and was not able to.

One and a half more weeks until I get the green light from the surgeon to resume regular exercise, I hope, but for now, I'll settle for simply walking..outdoors, around my house..from the back of the parking lot..anything. I'm thinking I may just hop on that eliptical this weekend, if but only for 10 minutes. Nothing strenuous, but just to put on my earphones and MOVE.

I have a few days on the Cape in May coming up and I. Cannot. Wait. to walk up and down my favorite beach! To MOVE. I need exercise. Physically. MENTALLY. Emotionally. I've learned a great deal about myself and how I want to live my life in these last three months, while I've had nothing else to do but hang out and think. A sedentary lifestyle is most definitely NOT in the cards *ever* again.

Oh God let me always remember how I feel right now about it, and to never take the blessing of movement for granted again.

Slowly Coming Back to the Land of the Living..

2011-03-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

It feels good to finally blog again!

I had brain surgery 4 weeks ago this week and man, sure did not quite anticipate the extent of the actual surgery and also the recovery. It is slow going..very slow..but I am improving.

The surgery was by far the most painful thing I've experienced, as well as the post operative complication I experienced with low cerebral spinal fluid pressure. I think I'd birth ten 12 lb babies naturally before I went through that surgery again. It was necessary though and while not every symptom has been completely relieved yet, the most debilitating ones HAVE. I haven't had one knock me over dizzy episode since the surgery. I cannot wait to be allowed to drive again. My pain is dramatically improved post operatively and I'm left with daily annoying pain that is clearly just a healing pain with some residual migraines. It's kind of at the point where the side effects of the narcotics are worse than the pain itself, yet the pain itself is too annoying to ignore. I'm trying to manage it with ice and Motrin. The worst part of the recovery right now is the fatigue...and insomnia.

I had visions of recovering and getting back to working out, at least cardio, on my eliptical..and truthfully, right now, I'll be happy if I am able to walk a mile by the summer time. It's discouraging and I hope I'm wrong. It's hard to not go on the internet and talk to others who have had this procedure and this condition and read all their horror stories of how it took them a year to recovery. I realize I'm only 4 weeks out. I keep telling myself, imagine another 4 weeks from now. I'll probably feel a world of difference.

Staying on my eating plan has been very difficult. I haven't been able to prepare my own food. People from church and friends have been bringing us meals with great desserts included. I often go all day sleeping with nothing to eat at all.

The initial days after surgery consisted of gingerale and saltines due to all the nausea and vomiting that accompanied this procedure. Mom stayed with me for 2 weeks and I ate what sounded good to me. Cream of Wheat. Tapioca pudding. And my other favorites that "mommy always made me" :) I'm very blessed to have had her here!

Losing weight was not on the forefront of my mind when I was on bedrest from a CSF leak.

Somehow, believe it or not, I lost weight anyway. 12 whole pounds. Well, it was 15 initially, but the scale is holding steady at 12.

My food choices are extremely important, but I'm so concerned about the future and how much I'll be able to exercise. That is important to me..physically and mentally. Spring is on the horizon and I've been looking forward to at the very least getting out for walks on the nearby trails. I look forward to walking with my friend Janel again! I look forward to walking and oh, ya know, not having to have her hold my arm because the earth is tipping upside down.

If having had this surgery gets me back driving and playing with my kids, and eliminates the severe headaches, dizzy spells and drop attacks it will have been worth it. Hopefully, it will be a complete success and eliminate the other neurological symptoms too. I'm counting on it!

I joke a lot saying hopefully brain surgery re-wired my thinking about food! :) The fact of the matter is, I'm up and around and am about to start counting calories again. Temptation will be high as the meals will continue for a couple more weeks, and I'm not out doing my own grocery shopping yet. Photo text messages go flying back and forth between my husband and myself as he's at the grocery store wondering if he's putting the right thing in the basket.

Oh, is that not just the best use of camera text messaging? So many men of yesteryear never got the right thing at the grocery store that the woman asked for..heck, they still don't. I'm so proud of my husband for asking first. I'll ignore the fact that after 13 years he really should have it figured out, and just be thankful he goes to the store and has done so much to help me since surgery.

Hopefully I'll be blogging more regularly, as I'm feeling better.

Glad to be back!

Quick update before surgery

2011-02-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time! I wanted to write a quick update before my surgery next Tuesday.

Food is still going well and if anything, my appetite it quite decreased. Other than a couple of off days last week when Lizzie left to go back to Spain, I have been on track. I have not weighed but will try to this Sunday so I get a weight before surgery.

I have been feeling so lousy every day and am just really tired. I just want to be on the other side of it. The shortest outing has me exhausted for the day.

Today I was sent for a nuclear stress test to clear me for surgery because of chest pain I've had (though I'm fairly certain the chest pain is due to anxiety and/or the chiari..) After, I got my hair cut..a LOT. I decided to cut it short since they'll be shaving the back of my head for the surgery and wanted something really short in the back that will be easy to "blend" with when it grows back..it's a little longer in the front and I really like it.

I doubt I'll update again until after I'm home from the hospital. Till then!!

"Statistically Speaking..."

2011-01-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

I got my MRI results on Monday and my doctor called and said she was going to try to move my surgical consult up. Well, they called last night and said they booked me for noon today! Wow! My husband and I trekked off to the neurosurgeon, discs, symptoms and questions in hand. My biggest concern remains the headaches, neck pain and severe dizzy spells, and now pain and numbness/tingling in my arms and hands.

He was very kind and courteous and did a thorough examination. After speaking at length, looking at my MRI and explaining to us how it is that the problem I have was likely the cause of all my worsening symptoms, the decision was made to have the Chiari Decompression surgery. I am scheduled for surgery on February 15. He has an outstanding reputation and I feel confident in him.

I'm a little taken aback and I have NO idea why. I knew exactly what the procedure was, that the only way to treat if if symptoms can't be relieved otherwise was surgery, and that it was a serious possibility for me. I think possibly that now I'm on a neurosurgeon's calendar to have a small part of my skull removed, the reality of it is sinking in a bit.

I really really REALLY hope this is a success. He told me in his experience the success rate is high 90s which sounds great because other stuff I've been reading online says 80s.

Then he told me something that I do NOT agree with. He told me that my sleep apnea is not caused by the Chiari, but by my weight..which I fully agree with. BUT he said that "statistically speaking..my chance of losing the kind of weight I need to lose by dieting alone is ZERO...statistically speaking..and you really should have the gastric bypass surgery" I just looked at him. I said "well, a LOT of people lose a LOT of weight by diet and exercise and do not have the surgery" He repeated "statistically speaking, your chances are zero". I almost referred him to the blogosphere. ;) I know many of you out there have had the surgery successfully, and I'm not speaking ill of it. I have been to an informational meeting and made an informed decision that it is not for me and I do not wish to have it.

Now, I really like the guy and get a good vibe from him as a neurosurgeon..and I have a HUGE amount of respect for him for not being afraid to firmly look me in the eyes and tell me "look..you have a severe weight problem and it's causing xyz" because too many doctors I'm afraid try to pussyfoot around it. HOWEVER, I really don't believe my only chances of losing the weight "once and for all" are to have gastric bypass surgery.

I told him how I've been diligently counting calories and eating mostly whole foods and am losing and again it was "statistically speaking"

So, my friend and I wonder if he doesn't have a friend or son or someone that's a bariatric surgeon! LOL

My husband and I just said "well thank you for that. We will deal with one problem at a time of course, and right now, the brain is pretty important, and meanwhile will continue being very diligent with the diet" He agreed. :)

He offered me next Friday as a date but that's the day I send Lizzie back to Spain so I can't do it then. The next available date is February 15 so that's when it will be. I have a lot to get in order before then as recovery will be several weeks.

I'm really nervous, but really hopeful it will help. I've had these headaches for YEARS and all of the other symptoms are rapidly progressing. I'm looking forward to getting ultimately back to myself and working out again and proving to be an exception to his statistics rule. :)

Crappy Weekend..

2011-01-17T14:59:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been 5 days since I blogged! I keep saying to myself "later...tomorrow..." and I just haven't gotten to it.

I have felt really lousy the past several days and slept a lot..or tried to. The dizzy spells, headaches, and now weird arm/leg pain, numbness tingling etc are worse. I had an MRI on Friday which showed no change from my previous one. I have 2 weeks left till I see the neurosurgeon.

I've been anxious. Very anxious. I guess that's natural, but still.

On Thursday, I went 200 calories over finishing at 1700 calories.

On Friday, I was so upset with myself and caved when the family got pizza..and I had 2 slices of cheese pizza for dinner and a glass of coke..and finished the day at exactly 2000 calories.

On Saturday, there was still some left over red velvet cake in the fridge and I had about 4 bites..purely out of stress..and finished at 1450 calories. I tossed the cake as truly, it was *disgusting*. I stood at the counter eating those bites and that is classic "stress eating" for me..standing at the counter eating mindlessly. I counted it as 1/4 of a large slice and every calorie there was completely empty and wasted.

Sunday, yesterday, I did very well. We did go out to eat in Boston at Border Cafe with my brother and sister in law so Lizzie could see them before she leaves for Spain. I ate exactly 1/4 of a chicken quesedilla and some diet coke (I rarely to never drink diet soda of any kind). I don't know how many calories were in that 1/4. Anyone wanna guess? I counted it as 500, thinking "overestimating" was better than underestimating. I finished at 1480 if my quesedilla calc was correct.

At any rate, I felt out of control this weekend and attribute it to poor planning, stress, and feeling really lousy.

My biggest "cravings" this weekend were: hollowed out hard boiled egg whites w/ hummus, and organic red delicious apple w/ Justin's Maple Almond butter.

I'd say I've come a long way to that from nacho's w/ salsa or cake or cookies etc.

In retrospect, it wouldv'e been better to PLAN for ONE slice of cheese pizza and a huge salad with water. I'm not so much upset that I ate the pizza..it's that I didn't plan for it and moreso just said "oh the heck with it..I'm not prepared for dinner, I'm stressed and 2 pieces won't kill me" I immediately logged it as food consumed and counted the calories. ..something I would not have done in the past.

So I got on the scale yesterday and my weight loss for the past week was: 2.6 lbs...which isn't a bad loss for one week, but I am disappointed and hoped it would have been a lot more..especially since last wednesday the scale showed 3.2 from Sunday.

I have decided to just weigh on Sunday's and NOT every day because I fluctuate and find it disappointing.

Another busy week ahead and a pain in the butt one at that as I can't drive and have to rely on others.

The neurologist today ordered 2 medicines..one for dizziness and one for sleep. The "dizziness" one is prescribed off label and knocks me out. I'll be interested to see how the sleep one works. I do NOT want to be on either of these long term at all but will comply for now. He's a complete idiot when it comes to ANY knowledge of Chiari malforamtion and the accompanying symptoms..that became well established today. I'm learning that is the case with a lot of doctors,..that a lot do not know much about Chiari. If the neurosurgeon is not very experienced with it, I'll likely seek a second opinion by a doctor at Tufts Medical Center that is supposedly a specialist in it.

I just now got a call back from my primary doctor, who I love, who got my MRI report and wants to see they can get my surgical consult moved up. Shc said she *really* believes these symptoms are from this Chiari thing. We'll see. Two weeks isn't that far away and I know so many people out there have to wait so much longer so I feel thankful that it's only 2 weeks..but I wouldn't mind getting in sooner to get an opinion. I also learned that there is a world reknown institute for it in NYC called "Chiari Institute" and that isn't all that far to go.

Despite feeling crappy, I've feeling very very thankful that we have outstanding medical insurance, live in a good part of the country with excellent doctors, and that I have a very thorough physician. Very very fortunate.

Till tomorrow.

Gotta Love a Snow Day...

2011-01-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

1420 calories..no cravings.
Tomorrow I'm going to figure out how to put up some kind of weight ticker, and maybe a page where I can post my food each day.

I truly don't know how I got through a whole day with the entire family in the house and had no food struggles. I'm just so thankful!

We got soooo much snow! Below are some pics of the kids playing. My dog, Bella, a yellow lab, is a wimp and didn't want to play in the snow. She goes out, does her thing, and is back in..and getting her out the door is a battle!

Some pics of today's winter wonderland:

To Weigh..or not to Weigh (daily that is..)

2011-01-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

I finished yesterday at 1503 calories and am up and on track for the day today.

Eating 5-6 times a day, small meals or snacks, is working splendid for me.

I don't know if I should weigh daily or not. I was trying to just weigh on Sunday but curiosity got the better of me and I weighed myself when I got up this morning and am down *another 3.2 lbs* since Sunday.

I don't find this difficult. Should I???? I'm not eating junk..at all. I'm just not hungry at all and seem to be able to keep the cravings at bay. I was a bit stressed at dinner time last night and it was chaotic in the house and yeah, the dinner I was making the family called to me..but I had my scallops and veggies and was fine.

Yesterday I got home from a busy afternoon. My father in law came over to drive my son and I to his hippotherapy. We had lunch right before leaving and when I got home, I was WAY ready for a snack. I really wanted an apple and Justin's maple almond butter. I opened the fridge and sitting there was hubby's leftover red velvet cake. I didn't care..I just wanted my apple (well, to have with the almond butter of course..which I CAREFULLY measure because that stuff could become like crack!)

An apple and 1 tbsp of the almond butter is a great snack at 160 calories and filling.

Another snack I had for my morning snack was hollowed out hard boiled eggs with some Joseph's spinach and artichoke hummus in them instead. 3 egg whites and the hummus was 153 calories..yummy, satisfying, filling and held me perfectly till lunch.

The weight loss thus far is without exercise. I wish so bad right now that I could at least do brisk walking. The doctor was adamant about no exercise right now and since I cannot walk looking straight ahead without the earth spinning , it's probably best if I just comply. This part doesn't make me angry, which is VERY surprising to me. I'm trying to remain calm about it and just wait for the surgeon and see what he says. Hey! I just found out I'm seeing the same surgeon who operated on Michael J. Fox!

What makes me feel angry, is all the time before this has happened that I COULD have been doing this and didn't because I was just too lazy I think. All that time I COULD have been getting myself healthy and taking care of myself..then, if indeed I do have to have this brain surgery, at least I wouldn't have to be concerned about an obesity factor. So many people have tried to help me. I've had fitness trainers, doctors, dieticians, a nutritionist who lost a ton of weight himself, a center for eating disorders, other bloggers...all who I learned something important from and am thankful for. I have worked out for years now, most of the time strenuously except for the last couple of months. It's my diet that was aweful.

I think of our gas fireplace. The pilot has to be lit. We press that button and it sparks..and sparks..and sparks..till something happens..a flip is switched, and it finally lights..but that spark to get it to really light has to come from the strongest spark, within oneself. Now to just not let that pilot go out. It will require vigilance..and consistency.

We are in the middle of one whopping snow storm here! We have well over a foot and are looking at possibly 2 feet. No school for the kids, hubby stayed home from work and let me sleep late. I love a good storm and hanging out with the family! (as long as the kids behave.... :)

So..how often do you weigh yourself? Weekly? Daily? If daily, why? Is there a reason?

Have a GREAT day!

Red Velvet Temptations..Not This Day!

2011-01-10T21:01:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how this day got away from me!

I finished the day well at 1380 calories. I was going to have a Vitabrownie for a snack this evening, which I had the calories for, but got all wrapped up with my father in law living vicariously through him by helping him plan a wonderful trip to Egypt!! By the time we were done with that, it was almost 11pm and too late to eat anything else.

He was over visiting for my husband's birthday (ANOTHER cake temptation tonight..passed with flying red velvet colors! :)

We were sitting in the living room and he says "so, I confirmed my ticket to Egypt" My husband and I just looked at him. Egypt? Oh man..he's travelling ALONE again. He's 72, active, and in excellent health..but some of his independent travel "common sense" scares the crap out of me..especially when we're talking about Egypt.

I strongly encouraged and all but insisted he do this one on a guided tour. I LOVE trip planning. I mean, I swear I get a high off of it. I should have been a travel agent! I did some searching around and we found a 9 day Egypt tour that sounds just perfect for him. He'll be arriving from and returning to Prague (where my brother in law lives) and we had certain dates to work with. (backwards!!!) He is so pleased we found *exactly* what he wants to do on the *exact* dates. We added the pre tour night and post tour night to his package, upgraded him to some more comfortable accomodations for an overnight train and the Nile River cruise portion, and now he has a great trip planned and a happy and relaxed son and daughter in law knowing that he'll be transported to and from the airport and all the details will be taken care of. I encouraged him to add on a great excursion and he's set to go! AND this cured my travel bug..just getting to help him plan his trip. I'm so excited for him and he didn't think twice when he said "let's book it!" Even Matt said "Dad, listen to her on this one ok? She's good at this" and they usually don't. They usually just laugh at me. That made me feel good. I think my father in law was relieved because he was going to Egypt one way or the other but this one he knew he didn't really want to venture out alone. Because I plan all of our travels abroad a la carte, I go to great lengths (sometimes obsessive..) researching things and sometimes shutter when he shares his itineraries..he wastes some precious travel time sometimes!

So back to the red velvet...yeah. Dad kindly brought the cake. The cupcake place was closed and I've been too ill to get out anyway. I really can't drive so it's just as well. I asked him to bring a SMALL cake. He did. But when I opened it to put the candles in, I took one look at it. RED VELVET HARRY???? YOU GOT A RED VELVET CAKE? HOW COULD YOU? He looked dumbfounded. LOL We laughed and joked how it was "all about me" (not! it was my hubby's birthday and this was for him) So, we sung happy birthday..again..and I cut the cake..again..and handed it out to everyone but me..again. No finger licking. No cleaning the knife etc. I had a cup of hazelnut coffee with 1 truvia and 2 oz of 1% milk and that was fine. Sort of. Ok, truthfully? This one kind of sucked..but I LIVED. I kept thinking of Anne H. "Just walk on by, they lie" LOL When my chemist husband and his chemist dad said something about red dye #2 I thought "yeah, like I really want that in me!" There may be a day when I cave, but not this day. NOT THIS DAY. I started to feel like Aragorn in Lord of the Rings "there will come a day...but not this day..today, we fight!" Oh, is he HOT or what???

This morning, for my snack, instead of a bar of some sort, I had some of the roasted turkey I had made yesterday, some baby carrots and some hummus and that was a GREATwhole food snack. I had a great afternoon snack of an apple and 1 tbsp of Justin's Maple Almond butter which was DELICIOUS.

The family had pizza..again. I had fresh baked haddock and green beans. I took a picture of the two side by side for comparison but am too tired to upload and post it now. I was a wee tempted by the pizza but just looked at it and said "dough and cheese and grease Jules..that's it" Lizzie had one piece because she was hungry and said "ma, you're not missing anything..trust me"

I really need to come up with an easy plan for cooking for them. I'm happy beyond imagination that I'm doing well with my eating right now, but I want at least for the kids to eat healthier. Most nights they do. We just happened to get pizza for them Friday and then again tonight..and they did have McDonalds for lunch on Sunday.

I'm hoping that as I change, everything else will gradually start to fall into place. The toughest one will be my husband, but he needs to take responsibility for his own health. He's not overweight at all so sees no need to eat healthy. Sigh...

I'm really tired and up way too late. The dizzy spells just keep intensifying. My doctor's office called today and I got all my appointments pretty quickly. MRI wednesday, blood work Thursday, neurologist next Monday and only have to wait 3 weeks to see the neurosurgeon. Parents from my kids' school (only 12 in the school) have been so kind and are helping me with transporting them to/from school as much as possible so I can be compliant about the doctors orders not to drive. I won't be able to be 100% compliant, but I'm trying to as much as I can because I do feel kind of lousy.

But despite that part, I actually feel GOOD because I'm not shoving crap into my body, and I know I'm losing weight. I just wish I could exercise. Figures now that I have my mind wrapped around eating properly and I'm mentally READY for all this, that I physically can't exercise. It's temporary. Just temporary.

In time. I know in time. One thing at a time. One day at a time. One meal at a time. One choice at a time.

Goodnight!

Weigh In..and the Pain of Change

2011-01-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

I weighed in this morning and lost 4 lbs since last Sunday!! I'm really happy with my weigh in and I know next week's will be just as good if not better. I've really gotta get some pictures..pronto. I want to be sure to take lots of pictures..each week, month. I have one hell of a HORRID "before" picture from Christmas eve. OY! I told my husband that one day I want to be in the "Half My Size" issue of People and use that as the before picture! hahaha

I now know why I thought yesterday I was being "tested". The REAL challenge was today!..and I passed! :)

We got up early today and headed to church. I made sure to have a good balanced breakfast. For years I have rarely had breakfast before church. Heck, I was lucky to get up in time to make it to church on time, let alone have a good breakfast. I cannot tell you how many times in my previous life we would be going through the drive thru of Dunkin Donuts on a Sunday morning getting coffee and a blueberry muffin, munching on the munchkins at the coffee table at church etc.

Today, I had my breakfast at home. Church starts at 11 and we weren't out until 12:30ish. I had eaten at 9:30. After talking a bit, it was 12:45 by the time we hit the road and I was hungry. Usually after 3 hours, I need something. Thankfully, I had made sure this time to put something in my purse as I knew I would be hungry when I got out and all bets were off if I didn't have something on hand.

I had my snack in the car as hubby and the kids decided they wanted to get McDonald's for lunch. They often get McDonald's on a Sunday after church.

We go through the drive thru. None for me. No WAY. But guess who gets to hold the bags on the way home?? Yup. MAMA. I sat with a bag of three large fries on my lap all the way home..and didn't touch them. I really didn't want to. It was a little tempting, but it's just NOT worth it to me anymore.

We got in the door and the family ate their McDonald's while I had my lunch. Yeah..another Kashi meal..240 calories. This could become a habit.. :)

Today is my husband's 40th birthday. Lizzie and Emily made him one of those giant cupcake cakes:

CAKE. Did I say CAKE? Ok..this was the first time EVER that I was able to sit right there at the table and pass it up. It is my greatest weakness with food. I've been known to buy whole cakes, binge on them to the point of making myself ill, throw them up, throw them out, hide them etc. There I was with this ginormous chocolate cupcake in front of me. I didn't care.

I celebrated my husband's birthday with him and the kids. And drank water. And THAT'S OK. I have passed the first "event" of 2011. Tomorrow, his dad comes over for another dinner/happy birthday thing. The plan for dessert tomorrow, is I will buy 5 gourmet cupcakes from Shabby Chic..one for Matt, each of the 3 kids, and one for father in law. That way, they will get an awesome piece of cake, and there will be no left overs.

It WAS tempting, but not enough to break my resolve to stay away from it. I starting doing dishes and talking to the family. Hubby took the leftover to choir practice with him, God love him.

I had baked fresh haddock and steamed veggies for dinner. At this point, I had a remaining 467 calories for the day. I planned out anything else I'll have and will finish at 1350 calories for the day..completely satisfied. I have boiled eggs for the week and am roasting a turkey breast to slice up. It's almost done. I also grocery shopped today and have everything needed on hand.

I'm trying to figure out why all of a sudden, I truly do NOT care about the crap. I don't want it.

A week or two ago my friend Ann quoted a quote to me:

"You will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change." I am not sure of the course..one search had Mary Kay..another had it as an old AA saying. I do not know. I wish I could quote it properly! Google it and if anyone does know exactly the source, please let me know! :)

Friends, that point has come for me. The pain of remaining the same is too great. I *think* that is why I have put aside the emotional eating. Not caring about junk food. Eating at night. A little grumbly in my tumbly.

I don't care. I want to be free. I am stronger than any temptation to numb my emotions.

The pain of staying the same is just too great..in every way imaginable.

Staying the same is insane. Look to the right of my blog, I've had that blinkie up for a freaking year. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

There are no excuses. There is no rationalization. There is no more bullshit. This is it. I'm past the point of no return.

Being Tested! and How Do YOU Prepare?

2011-01-08T12:55:00.000-08:00

It's a rather lazy Saturday here. Rather "blah" weather outside and the kids have been happily playing and I have gotten caught up on some much needed work.

I usually get to sleep in a bit on Saturdays, which always makes my breakfast later, and throws off my whole day of eating. Heck, the mere fact that it's the weekend throws EVERYTHING off. I am one of those strange people that really doesn't care for the weekend. I love Mondays, when all is back to routine and it's quiet.

On the weekends, my 9 year old son Jake is NEVER bored. He plays and plays, or reads, or watches these Discovery Science channels with daddy. 7 year old Emily starts whining and whining and WHINING about everything from a hangnail to her hair not going the way she wants, to being bored, etc.

Today I'm being tested!! By frosted cookies! My mom got Emily a Martha Stewart Kids Baking Set for Christmas. Emily has been DYING to use it. There are options for sugar cookies with cute cookie cutters included or cupcakes. She has been begging me to help her bake cookies. Sigh..poor little thing..she just wants to use her Christmas present. I have been putting her off because I do NOT want to be in the kitchen baking cookies!

The cookies will be frosted and the kit came with frosting bags and different tips teaching them how to do different little designs. There were two tubs of Pillsbury Vanilla frosting in our pantry from christmas time that we hadn't used.

I need to help her do this. She wants mommy to bake with her. I can't tell her "no you can't use your Christmas present because mommy can't be near frosted sugar cookies" I had to suck it up, be a woman, and make the cookies with my daughter and just NOT eat any dough and be sure I do not touch the frosting or the finished product. Quite feasible, and not rocket science. Just because it's here, doesn't mean it's for me to eat!!

We've made the dough and it's chilling in the fridge now. It IS tempting..of course. But so was the Papa Gino's pizza right in front of me last night that I said "no way..not worth it" to..having shrimp and green beans instead. So to the sugar cookie dough in the fridge I say "no way..not worth it" I will be stronger than any temptation I face. The kids and Matt can enjoy them and when they're done with them, the leftovers will get stale and be trashed.

Once upon a time, this would have completely derailed me. If it was here, it meant I simply HAD to have it. I believed I did NOT have the ability to resist. My inner bully would come up and make sure I felt so little about myself that I would give in.

They are not on the agenda for today.

More on being prepared.
-One thing I did this past week to make things easier for me, was to hardboil several eggs ahead of time and keep them in the refridgerator. This has helped me enormously and been a big time saver. I happen to like cold hardboiled eggs, so for me, it works great.

-Another thing this past week that HELPED me on the go, if I was in a rush, was a sandwich on Peppridge Farm whole wheat sandwich thins (100 cal per roll). I also like the Josephs flax tortilla wraps, but sometimes I like a 'sandwich'. HOWEVER, I was using prepackaged Sara lee baked ham as that is what Emily likes for lunches and was in the fridge. Sure, it had only 60 calories in 4 slices (small and thin slices) but loaded with sodicum and Lord knows what other stuff. I like being able to put a sandwich together on the go. I also like having something on hand to throw on a salad.

This week, I have bought a turkey breast and am going to roast it tomorrow and slice it up and keep it in a container and see how that helps me this week. Instead of a ham sandwich, I'll have a turkey sandwich with hummus, and I'll have the turkey on hand for my salad (usually I prefer chicken)

Also, if it's time for a snack and I'm on my way out, grabbing a piece of turkey before I leave and having an apple on the go is a good balanced snack.

I've stayed within my calorie cap of 1500 all week and I'm THRILLED with that. One day I was under 1400 and the next day 1586 so I averaged those two out. I made a couple of choices that I wish I hadn't (ie the blueberry muffin and the 1/2 a cookie from whole foods) While I really enjoy that frozen Kashi Southwest Chicken meal and it's super convenient, I know I shouldn't get in the habit of that as there's too much sodium in it.

Perhaps I can come up with some other things I can cook on Sunday that would be easy to heat up monday, Tues and Wed? I love salads, but in the winter, I do like a hot lunch.

What are some ways that you prepare your food for the week ahead and set yourself up for success? What do you always have on hand to curb hunger and help you stay the course?

"Extended Sizes"? and Another Day Finished Strong

2011-01-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

I have had another GREAT day with food. I finished at 1500 calories...everything counted.

Starting today, I nixed the Agave from my coffee and just used a pack of Truvia. I've never tried it before, but it was just fine.

Breakfast:
Chobani yogurt w/ blueberries & 1/4 c flax cereal
1 hard boiled egg

snack: Nut-thins crackers w/ 1 wedge laughing cow lite cheese

Lunch: Kashi Southwest Chicken..omg..I LOVE this. It's only 240 calories and is delicious! (and I'm not really a frozen meals person..) I like them much better than Amy's..and this one had over 100mg less sodium than the Amy's meal I have in my freezer.

afternoon snack: Luna bar (no more bars for me unless they're Lara..or I'll do an apple and almond butter or something)

Dinner: grilled shrimp and steamed green beans..again..I know, I'm boring

evening snack: 100 cal Vitabrownie by vitalicious. I really like these!

I'm not sure what it is..but I can honestly say, the emotional eating urges have not been an issue this week. That's not to say I haven't been emotional. I have. I just am SICK of being obese and NOTHING..including emotions..is going to get in my way of attaining my goals. Nothing. Period.

I have felt really lousy for several weeks, since November I guess with multiple dizzy spells, headaches, fatigue and just blah. My physician moved to another practice 2 years ago. Since then, I've been winging it and just seeing "whoever" at the practice I was at. She was such a great doctor and I really like her. I FINALLY moved to her..today. The dizzy spells have been getting worse, now up to numerous times per day, even though my blood sugar levels are much better..MUCH better. I called this morning and she was able to see me this afternoon.

I have something called a Chiari malformation of the brain that we've been watching with MRI's and follow up visits with my neurologist. My doctor is wondering if all these symptoms I'm having aren't due to the Chiari and has ordered another MRI and then for me to see a neurosurgeon sometime in the next couple weeks. I find it hard to believe I'll get in that quickly, but she said "oh you will!" Soooo, the office will call me Monday to set up these appointments. I'm a little unsettled about the idea of the possibility of surgery, but should that be the recommendation, it's supposedly extremely effective with immediate relief. I just don't like the idea of a drill to my skull..ya know? LOL

I just want the symptoms to go away. For good!

So hey, on another note...I got my nails done today and the lady next to me works at Chico's (not sure if this is countrywide, but it's a ladies clothing store..they have some nice stuff) Their sizes are different..not typical sizes. What would be a 10/12 in any other store may be a 2 there, or something to that effect. So we were talking about it, and I said "nothing in that store fits me right now" and she replies "oh!! we have 'extended sizes' now!"

"Extended sizes"??? haha I said "oh? is that what they call them now? Is that the politically correct term for plus size? women's?" They are lovely "extended sizes" They extend UP to 24 and DOWN to 000 (triple 0). I wonder if that should make me feel better..buying an "extended size". Sigh....good marketing though.

Have a good night!

Check the Label!! How Many Servings?

2011-01-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

I had another great day! I finished at 1587 calories...5 small meals and a snack. This totally works for me..almost no serious cravings eating this way. I wrote everything down and did MUCH better on sodium today, staying well under 1800 mg.

I stopped at Whole Foods Market on the way home today as my daughter is wanting Mrs. May's Trio bars and have been looking for them for her. I'd like to send her back to Spain with a box of them. While I was in there, I was starting to get hungry and while walking past the bakery section, I saw individually packaged cookies. It was a "Boston All Natural Chocolate Chip Cookie". Being completely aware of what I'd consumed so far, I checked out the nutritional data and it said 200 calories, and 10g of sugar. Ok... I had a choice to make. I did NOT have a snack with me. (wasn't prepared! I thought I'd wait till I got home, but I was running late) I wanted that cookie and it was ONE individually wrapped good sized cookie with only 10g of sugar (for a cookie that's pretty reasonable!) for 200 calories..or so I thought! This was a moment of a "craving" but I said "Julie, it's ok..you just have to count it"

I got into the car and started to unwrap the cookie and had one small bite. Something stopped me and I decided to check the label again to check the servings. Yup. That ONE individually packaged cookie was considered "2" servings..which meant there were really 400 calories in that cookie, 20 grams of sugar etc. I was pissed...mostly at myself. I now had another choice..now it was in my hand in front of me. Do I eat the whole thing and record the 400 calories? OR do I break it in half and eat the half.

I actually broke it in half and ate 1/2. What a WASTE of 200 calories! (not the 200 I threw out..I mean the 200 I consumed! It didn't taste that good and didn't do squat for my hunger..) I should have known it was too good to be true! lol

I find this packaging misleading. Why the heck just not put two smaller cookies?? It's not the first time I've seen it either. The manufacturers market individually packaged protein shakes or cookies or whatever..and in big beautiful letters on the front will boast "32 g or protein!!! Wow!!!" and you pick up the bottle and check the calories and see something like '160" and think to yourself "wow!! 32 g protein in that..that's great (without REALLY thinking..)" only to realize that if you look at the whole label, there are 2 servings in that prepackaged individual bottle that looks like something you'd gulp down in one sitting.

I learned a lesson and I'm so glad I broke the stupid cookie in half. Next time I'd do better to just pass on it altogether.

I learned something else today!! Now, living in New England, we have an abundance of fresh seafood. I have some great fish markets nearby. It's a pain for me to go daily though. I really enjoy grilled shrimp with my salad or for dinner with a big plate of fresh steamed veggies. I NEVER buy frozen seafood..but decided yesterday to break down and buy a bag of frozen jumbo raw shrimp, figuring it'll save me a constant trip to the fish market. I figured the only negative thing about that would be less freshness, frozen and all. Still low calorie and healthy right?

Well, today I decided to check the label on the bag and realized how much salt is added to these frozen raw shrimp! THEN I read..."farm raised and packaged in Bangladesh" I'm eating shrimp from Bangla-freakin-desh????????? Seriously?? WTF???? I live in New England near the coast! My mother would have a stroke! There's a ton of sodium in them. I had NO clue.

I wonder if there is salt added to the fresh shrimp at the fish markets?? Anyone know??

One other thing I realized as I'm writing EVERYTHING down that goes in...I had stopped using Splenda and started putting Organic Blue Agave in my coffee. One tablespoon is 60 calories. I like sweet coffee and put the whole tablespoon in. Well, I have at least 2 cups of coffee a day. Plus I put 1% milk in it which is about 25 calories. So each cup of coffee I have is about 85 calories. If I have 2 cups of coffee, I have to count that as 170 calories towards my daily cap. Do I really want to spend 170 calories on coffee???? I have decided to ditch the agave and try Truvia. I heard that's ok. I am going to start weaning myself on the sweetness so that I can get to the point where I need no sweetener at all.

I just feel GOOD..good that yeah, I really AM in control of my eating and becoming more and more aware of reading labels, watching sodium intake, sugar intake etc.

Another busy day ahead tomorrow! Lizzie made the kids' lunches for me and told me she wants to get up with them in the morning and get them ready for school and that I can sleep a little later. That kid is just so sweet. I'm *really* enjoying my time with her. She grew up a whole lot during her first semester in Spain. :)

Till tomorrow....

GREAT Day!

2011-01-05T19:20:00.000-08:00

I have finished the day at 1400 calories and have not been hungry at all. That is unusual for me and I'm HAPPY!

I have found that eating small meals of 150-300 calories 5-6 times a day definitely works best for me.

I wrote everything down, and made sure to enter everything in MyPlate at livestrong.com. Looking at the nutrient breakdown, I nailed it except for sodium. One of the reasons for that is because I had a Kashi frozen meal for lunch. 240 calories..great. 680 mg of sodium..not great. Dinner was grilled shrimp and fresh green beans and so yummy..I could eat that for dinner every night and never get sick of it.

It is 10 and I'm going to BED so I can wake up early and get my cardio in before the kids wake up. Man I have a HORRIBLE time waking! I know I'll be fine once I'm up, it's just GETTING up.

Pleasant dreams!

Be Prepared!! Must Be Prepared!

2011-01-05T07:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a good day. It didn't start out so good. The kids are having a tough time getting back into routine. Jake is really having a tough time sleeping. I made the decision to let them sleep and take them to school late. This, of course, threw off my morning routine.

I put in a quick 20 minutes only on the eliptical. We rushed rushed rushed to get ready for school and the only thing I had in me was coffee. Big mistake. I should have taken the time for breakfast. I know better.

Rushing out the door, I dropped the kids off at school, and I went through the Dunkin Donuts drive through and got a coffee and a blueberry muffin. I don't know why I did that other than I simply had NOT prepared for the morning, went off routine and wanted something..anything..because I was hungry. I was not "craving" it at all. Bad right? I'm thinking "well, there goes 350 calories or so...". Wrong. 470 calories for that empty caloried pasty piece of crap.

"Stop. Think." I told myself. I could have easily beat myself up and let this destroy my day. My friend Ann, after first telling me that even at DD there are better choices than a freaking blueberry muffin, reminded me that the rest of the day didn't have to be that way. The day was young. There were still many choices to be made. Adjust your calories. I did.

I ate GREAT the rest of the day..very healthy choices, every 3 hours or so and lots of water and came in at 1530 calories for the day. I felt bad about the muffin, but as the day went on, I felt better and better about all of my other choices.

I have a lot on the agenda for today. I started today with 2 scrambled eggs and a clementine. I'll have some carrot sticks and hummus for a snack, and have a nice salad with chicken planned for lunch. I have a busy afternoon as my son has an appointment an hour away..which will make 2 hours of driving plus an hour there. I'll make sure I am equipped with a snack while out to hold me over until dinner.

That's another thing. Preparation..again. I must always have something on me. The days can get crazy bringing the kids here and there, and I spend a LOT of time in my car. If I always have something on hand,like some fruit and almonds, or a Larabar etc, and my water, then I won't get hungry or have to deal with a crashing blood sugar.

My hubby turns 40 this Sunday. I have NO idea what to get him and he doesn't want a party. With him turning 40, reminds me that in 8 short months, so will I!!!!

I WILL BE so much healthier and younger then, than today. Actually, there really is no "then" and "today" without all the moments in between that make the difference between then and today. I have certainly learned that.

Focusing on one day at a time, one hour at a time, one choice at a time. Eat this..or that? Put my sneakers on and get on the eliptical? or stay barefoot and sit in the recliner right next to it?

Cannot lament over the past, just learn from it..must be in the present and look forward

Work for a couple hours, lunch, then my midday walk.

Later!

Random Thoughts In The New Year...Happy 2011!

2011-01-03T10:51:00.000-08:00

Time certainly has gotten away from me as I have not blogged since December 6!!

I had a wild few weeks preparing for Christmas and Lizzie coming home. She arrived home from Spain safe and sound on December 18, as planned. We were all so happy to have her home for Christmas. I had come soooo close to booking her on British Airways so she could travel with another classmate, but chose not to buy that ticket as it was quite a bit more expensive. Boy was I happy I didn't! All of her classmates that were there for one semester (everyone but her and another girl) were on BA and their flights were cancelled as they had a layover in London and it was during that blizzard they had. Some of the kids didn't actually get home until Christmas!

My younger kids were out of their MIND ecstatic at the airport (ok..so I was I....)

And she was home just in time to get to go to their little school play:
We went to visit my family on Cape Cod for Christmas and stayed there for 5 nights. It was a wonderful, special time spent with family. Below are the three kiddos with my folks on Christmas Eve:

While we were there, a blizzard hit New England. We didn't get that much snow on the cape, just very high winds and heavy slush..this is a pic of my "sanctuary" beach from the deck..fierce waves!!! It was pretty cool. The kids couldn't believe that was the same beach they play at in the summer. It's on the bay side of the Cape and usually there are hardly any waves at all..

I can't believe it's already a new year, kids are back to school today, and we're returning to a routine. It feels good.

I'm happy to get a few more weeks with Lizzie and then she'll go back on the 28th for the 2nd semester. My youngest is attached to her at the hip and *adores* her big sister!

I didn't make a mile long list of New Years resolutions to lose weight and go back to the gym and all that stuff. Those are things I need to do..to take care of me and enable me to take care of my family, and didn't want to turn such a serious matter into a trite New Year's Resolution. The following post I'm linking you to at my friend Roy's blog (one wise guy..) says it so eloquently and is by far the best I've ever read on the subject of New Year Resolutions:

http://contemplativefitness.wordpress.com/2010/12/31/resolve-not-to-resolve-annually-but-daily/

I had a scare with my blood sugar, again, last Sunday, the day after Christmas. It freaked me out..and my kids, especially Lizzie. It would have been a picture perfect Christmas in every way..but silently, I was miserable over simple facts that I felt like crap on my feet all day cooking for 13, climbing the stairs sucked the life out of me, carrying stuff back and forth to my mom's house etc. I have no way to really describe it except it was sort of like maybe being in an awake fat coma??

Just over a year ago, I started this blog to blog about weight loss and self discovery. I was going to lose oodles of weight and be a skinny minny by Christmas..oh yes..the same promise I have made to me year after year. I made great strides in self discovery..GREAT strides. I even made some strides for a several months in consistent aerobic exercise...but I went so backward in weight loss that from November 6 2009 to present I lost 30 lbs initially and gained back almost 21.That is NOT ok..at all. No excuses for that. I *really* do not want to go in that direction again. Moreso, my husband and I both turn 40 this year. I'd prefer NOT to make him a young widower. So......

This is serious stuff. I know I need to take it seriously. My doctor has told me I need to take it seriously. She has advised me to stick to a 1200 calorie diet and exercise at least 30 minutes 6 days per week. I am presently probably closer to 1400-1500 calories. I really don't need a doctor advising me to lose weight to know that this is serious stuff.

I simply cannot have sugar or white flour. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. I just cannot handle a cookie. If I want to make a 300 calorie cookie part of my daily caloric intake, that's not how it works for me. For some people that count calories, that's ok for them. Having diabetes, it simply doesn't work that way. What I eat is just important, if not more, than how much. (how much IS important..of course) A few days before Christmas, the kids were making frosted cookies. I ate 3. 1) that's a lot of calories and 2) a crap load of sugar and 3) it sent my blood sugar through the roof causing me real problems. Duh. As if I didn't know that being a licensed nurse and all....

It upsets me that my daughter is so upset by this. When I had the attack the day after Christmas, she was nearly in tears and said I was being selfish by hurting myself..selfish in that I wasn't thinking of her and the kids. ouch.

Speaking of my children, they gave me a Keurig for Christmas! I think I have fallen in love. In LOVE. No more heating up the coffee that hubby made at the crack of dawn. Yahoooooo!

I'm looking forward to the days, weeks and months ahead. It's going to be a great year. I look forward to living each day fully..and as healthily as possible...one day at a time.

I'm working on a new personal growth project that I will post more about shortly...I'm excited about it.

That's it for now. Gee this first day back to school is going by FAST! Later...

Feeling MUCH Better..and First WW Meeting

2010-12-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

I woke up today feeling so so SO much better. That was after having the most bizarre dream I have EVER had in my life.

I don't know HOW I got there, but in this dream, I was ALL alone with nothing but boulders, some very deep water, and sky above me. No plants, no animals, no vegatation..just rocks and water and no chance of survival. I was just laying there on a rock thinking "is this it???" Then, something happened that hasn't happened in a dream since my childhood, I told myself to wake up. "wake up wake up wake up" And I did. And damn was I HAPPY to just wake up..and get up! LOL

Getting the kiddos out this morning was a typical challenge, as usual. I was really excited to go join Weight Watchers and go to this meeting.

I drove an extra distance because it was the ONLY place in a 25 mile radius that had a Monday morning 9:30 meeting and well, this is NH, so you expect that stuff.

I joined up, weighed in, and bought the whole kit. I even bought the digital scale. No more "guestimating" for me in the kitchen..at least until I have a really good handle on portion sizes. I do measure certain things, but if it's something deemed really healthy, I'll tend to just go all out...like with shrimp, or scallops!

I've been reading on some blogs that some people aren't all that thrilled with the new Points+ plan, but figured, doesn't really affect me since I don't have to change anything. I'm new to it. Fruits are now 0 points..up to so many servings per day, at which point, you do have to start counting, naturally. This is good, since I highly doubt, to date, that anyone has joined Weight Watchers because they ate too many apples.

As a type 2 diabetic, I still need to be careful of the fruits.

I like how they are trying to get folks away from all the carbs and processed foods. Should be interesting. I have my daily target number and have started tracking.

The meeting.

Oy. I liked the leader a LOT. She's lost over 100 lbs on Weight Watchers and is very knowledgable. I felt horrible for her today because the people that attend this meeting regularly..YIKES...do NOT like change. Keep in mind most of them are older (not sure if that makes a difference or not) but most of them were all in a tizzy over all the changes in the plan. Add to that, their leader quit and this was this woman's first day with them. I got NOTHING out of the actual meeting, except entertainment. You would think this is these folks biggest problem in life..points points points. One lady was having a FIT because the points for her 2 Friday martinis had doubled. The leader was great..she had a thick skin, which was definitely needed in this meeting, and said "well, it sounds like you have some choices too make" One man tried to blame the new plan on him going into sugar shock while driving. I wanted to say "well, you just got finished saying you ate 2 bananas and you're a diabetic.." Another woman blamed the allowance of "free" bananas on the plan for being called back last week by her doctor that her potassium level was so dangerously high that she was one step away from cardiac arrest. NO JOKE!!!! It's all WW fault for changing to this new plan! LOL

I stayed afterwards to get the lo down on how to work the plan. It really was nothing I haven't heard before, but it was good to go over, and to get to talk to the very nice, and very patient leader.

I am on the monthly plan and can go to unlimited meetings monthly, and will definitely scout out some meetings to find a group that maybe is a little closer in age to me, and has a little more in common. I learned that the leader does a meeting at the center in my area that is at my gym on Thursday's, so I will try that one out.

Got home and ate lunch, and then took my sweet dog Bella for a good, brisk 1 mile walk around the block, as I promised. I promised her that I would do this daily if nothing else. I will increase distance as I build more stamina. It's amazing how much more effort it takes to walk on unsteady terrain and up and down hills outside than to go at a steady pace, even at a high resistance, on the eliptical! I can do way way way longer on the eliptical!

Off to a follow up doctor's appointment and then to get the kids again. The day sure does fly by.

I am truly floored in the difference I feel between yesterday and today, and really really hope it lasts!

On The Agenda For Tomorrow..For I Won't Relive Today

2010-12-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

I have decided that tomorrow morning, after I drop off the kids at school, I'm going to join Weight Watchers and actually GO to the meetings.

I had a great deal of success on Weight Watchers several years ago. The most memorable thing at the time, was it was thought that I needed to lose weight in order to get pregnant, as I was having infertility problems, even though I weighed much less than I do now. I lost 25 lbs fairly quickly and got pregnant right away. And then again soon after that one was born. Two pregnancies later, and being insulin dependent gestational diabetic, I'm really not sure why I never went back to WW.

NOOOOO, I'm not hoping to get pregnant. Surely that would be the END of me. But one thing is certain, and that is that I NEED to get out of this house regularly and be with other people. I have heard repeatedly that the meetings are invaluable, so instead of doing it online, I am going to go to a center and give it a fair shot and stick with it.

Furthermore, the Weight Watchers center is in the same building that gasp..my GYM is in! The gym that I abandoned to go to a personal training studio that thought working out to the point of puking was funny, and promised a free t shirt if you puked after a workout. Don't get me wrong, I *really* liked the trainer, and I learned a great deal from him. I know proper form and I know good body mechanics. I know TONS of exercises to keep me busy. I know what to do. It's up to me to do it. Not to be accountable to a trainer or an appointment...but to be accountable to ME and my wellbeing. To go..not because I have a scheduled time and I've paid a gazillion dollars, but because I'm worth the time and commitment.

So all that time that I was paying for training, I never cancelled my gym membership. I've just been "donating" I guess. It's a GREAT gym..has everything one could imagine, AND it's literally a hop, skip and a jump from the kids' school.

I've also decided I HAVE to get outdoors each day..even if only for 10-15 minutes. Therefore, I have made a commitment to my yellow lab, Bella, to take her for a brisk midday stroll each and every day, rain or shine. The outdoors makes a huge difference in lifting my spirits each day. I have decided it is an absolute necessity.

Why the change of heart?

Today was *the worst, most depressive day I have had in years*. As I sat here alone this morning, while my husband was at church with the kids, I had the most horrific thoughts that truly scared me. I couldn't have called my doctor or therapist because they would have insisted I be hospitalized. Definitely couldn't call my mother. I was afraid to tell my husband, but did later when he got home.

I was able to pick myself up and go DO something to try to get my mind off those thoughts, and finally took an Ativan, something I very rarely do, but really felt was necessary today. That knocked me out and I took a good long nap this afternoon. I'm the biggest light weight when it comes to medicine or alcohol. It's one of the reasons why they have such a hard time putting me on medicine. I just can't handle most of it. I refuse to be a zombie. Refuse!

I feel a LOT better this evening. Today is day 2 of the Wellbutrin.

I have a LOT on my plate so to speak right now..a whole lot. One thing that I seem to neglect, repeatedly, is caring for myself. I seem to, more often than not, be much more concerned with letting others down, than with letting myself down.

It is good to think of others and be concerned for them..very good. But I'm NO good to them if I'm about to land myself in a hospital...or heaven forbid, worse. My family needs me to be strong, but if that's to happen, then caring for myself has got to be a serious priority. I can't fall apart when something happens with my son, or I get all stressed out because of something with my daughter, or something goes wrong with work, or there are marital troubles.

A girlfriend and I were talking today about being adult children of alcoholics and that tendency to always want to please others to "keep the peace". I grew up learning to be *really gifted* at "keeping the peace". It is true that I hate to let others down..I FEAR it. But funny, why don't I hate to let MYSELF down? I'm important too. I'm worth something.

I'll end today with two quotes that a friend posted this weekend that inspired me and that I really like:

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.” - Dr. Seuss

Deck the Halls..Feeling a Bit Better

2010-12-04T19:17:00.000-08:00

Decorating is all done! The Christmas village is up and today, Matt, the kids and I put up all the lights outside. We took a little video and texted it to Lizzie to show her. It was fun. I'm glad to have it all decorated.

I felt better this afternoon having done something with my family. Stringing the outside lights is not my favorite task, but the kids were sooooo excited and it does look very pretty now that it is all done.(minus the lone animated reindeer made of white lights moving his head back and forth...but it made the kids happy) After we were finished, we watched "A Christmas Story". It was a nice time together.

Lizzie comes home two weeks from today. We hope! Yesterday and today there was a HUGE air traffic controller strike in spain that disrupted travel for about 250,000. Spain declared a state of emergency today and ordered them back to work or they'd be prosecuted, so they started returning to work.

Now, they are threatening a strike to affect Christmas travel and will announce the date on the 9th. Supposedly, according to the news story, it will affect travel plans for millions. We are hoping and praying and crossing our fingers that they don't decide to strike anytime around the weekend before christmas. We're trying to come up with a plan B in case that is the date they threaten. We're thinking maybe have her take a train to Portugal and fly home from there, or a train to France.

I sure don't know why they don't operate normally over there! Lizzie and her roomate have simply determined that they ARE coming home that weekend come hell or high water and that it's not optional. :) I love her determination!

I have started the Wellbutrin and want it to work immediately. I know I need to be patient. I just want to feel better...*yesterday*!

I'm thankful for what we got done today and the quality family time. I just don't like how each night I feel terribly sad again. So so sad..it's aweful. I just. want. to. feel. better. When the heck will it STOP?? I just want this to go away.

Peace, Love and Joy

2010-12-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

It is that season. Where you see the decorations on the doorways, and the Christmas cards that say "Peace Love Joy". That cliche holiday saying that completely pissed me off just about exactly 2 years ago as I was in a deep depression as I have been in lately.

I remember the day I was decorating in December of 2008. I had to do it. I do it for my kids. I don't think I would have cared if we even had a tree that year.

I pulled out our little "Peace Love Joy" doodad that goes on the front door and was overcome with ANGER because here I was, a Christian woman, and I couldn't comprehend peace. or love. or joy. It had no meaning. It's just a "saying" that goes on a Christmas card or a door decoration. At least, that's how it *felt* to me at the time.

Later that month, as the depression lifted, I determined that I was making it my mission to KNOW peace. and love. and JOY in 2009. And as 2010 approached, it has carried on through this year as well. And what a roller coaster it's been as my belief system crashed around me and with God's help, has slowly been in the process of being rebuilt, but this time, in a much more precious and meaningful way than ever before.

Here we are again. December of 2010. It's been about 3 weeks or so now and though I'm having a hard time snapping out of this bout of depression, I am so thankful that I obviously have not sunk that low and that I KNOW in no uncertain terms, that no matter how cruddy I feel right now, I KNOW it will lift. I KNOW the sun will come out. I just don't know when. And that sucks.

I'm fortunate that I generally know what helps me to feel a little better or get a little "pick me up". I also am so so so so sooooo blessed to have Mara in our life still. The woman that saved my life 6 years ago. Truly saved my life.

As I've blogged previously, she worked for us 4 days a week until recently and now is only here 1 day a week. There is really no need for more now as I don't have to cart Lizzie everywhere and the two little ones are in school full time, and I no longer homeschool. She comes on Fridays. I've had to adjust my work schedule quite a bit and really cut back on my designing, and the rest of the week *is* harder, but it just had to be done.

However, falling behind at home and unable to bring myself to decorate for Christmas, and falling behind with my business, I knew I needed some extra help right now. I called her a couple of days ago and asked her if she was available an extra day this week, and she knows me and my situation. She could tell from how I sounded on the phone. We decided this week and the next two weeks, she will come 2 days each week. Until Lizzie is home.

I had a very busy day today with errands and appointments. I actually went to get my nails done and hair cut this morning (always makes me feel better) and then had my therapy appointment.There was a lot of driving in between appointments. My therapist wasn't happy that I hadn't called her to let her know that I was spiraling into a depression. She was away at a convention the last 2 weeks. It was a good session and I agreed to start a new medicine. I have to be *very* careful with an antidepressant. I can only take it until I start to feel better and then I MUST stop OR I will actually get too euphoric and go into more of a manic phase, which isn't good, because then bam..I'll crash again.

Because I was out all day, I never saw Mara when she got here. I didn't get to see the look on her face when she walked into my hurricane of a house. The dining room was LOADED with boxes of Christmas decorations. I asked hubby Sunday to go to storage to get the decorations, and he took me quite literally. Every. Single. Thing. I've ever owned for Christmas decorations.

I arrived home before getting the kids. I pulled into my driveway. There were candles in every window. An adorable display in my bay window. Tears welled up in my eyes. Mara was here.

I walked up the front walk way and there on my front door was "Peace Love Joy". For a brief moment, I got pissed. But I paused, and smiled..and took a breath.

I walked in. Dining room..empty. There stood Mara munching on popcorn. The way she stared at me and shoved it into her mouth said: "Julie, don't talk to me. I'm good as a coconut (inside joke)" Translated: I can't believe I walked in to this disaster of a house this morning but I love you and I know you're having a tough time and this is what you pay me for and I'm not going to give you a hard time about it. See, Mara is a NEAT FREAK. Hence, one of the reasons I hired her! LOL Unfortunately, you can't hear my tone or the way I mimic her accent, for the true full effect. :) I just read the above to her a few moments ago and we both had a good laugh. I asked her "so did I get it right?" and she replied "yup! exactly!"

She took my purse and hung it up, made me cover my eyes, and marched me into our family room, and made me sit down. Then, I opened my eyes.

Oh wow. My tree was all lit up (we had decorated it last weekend), and she had decorated everything else. The mantle with greens and nutcrackers and lights, and little snowmen here and there, and lights in glass vases mixed with glass christmas bulbs, our "hip hop snowman" (the kids love it..you squeeze his arm and he sings and dances). The room was perfect. Soooooo festive and peaceful. She did the same in our kitchen. And since I got home, has decorated our dining room. Tomorrow, we'll set up the village together. I sit her typing the post right now, and the sense of calm I feel from having her here today has been a tremendous blessing.

Lizzie will be soooooooo thrilled when she gets home. The children were so happy today when they got home.

Matt and I will have our annual marriage building exercise of "togetherness without killing each other" on Saturday as we put up the outside lights together.

I'm anxious to try the Wellbutrin. But I just have to say, I *hate* to take meds. I hate it. I really do. I want to get to the point where I take NOTHING. It's not that I think there's something wrong with it. I HATE the way they make me feel. I really do. I hope this helps and there aren't any side effects!

I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. The sunglight that is going to peak out soon.

Something very unusual has happened the last couple of days. I actually have had no appetite and had to remind myself to eat. VERY weird. Night time cravings have almost been non existant this week since I have picked up knitting again. Can you believe my loving dog actually ATE my pattern???? If she wasn't so darn cute.....

Every Christmas season, I think about that saying "peace love joy". I desire so much to really KNOW true peace, and true love, and deep joy. I understand that these things are not independent of suffering and I believe you can be in the midst of suffering and experience these things. (suffering can be anything, in this case I'm speaking of depression) As I've been on a 2 year long quest now of examining my relationship with God, I am constantly brought back to and reminded of a very quiet, simple , yet powerful verse in the Bible "Be still and know that I am God". Literally over, and over and over again.

Be still. Hmmm.....funny how just to be STILL can be quite a challenge!

Don't you understand????

2010-12-01T15:25:00.000-08:00

Warning: just a vent.

Don't you understand????

The answer was "no, I'm sorry, but I don't"

That is the question I asked my husband this afternoon: "oh my goodness, don't you understand?????"

Honestly, as always, he replied "no".

He doesn't understand. He just doesn't..he can't.

Over 13 years, he has simply not yet been able to comprehend my depressive episodes.

I guess he's lucky.

It's been a whole week since I've posted!

I've *really* been struggling in recent weeks. Up down up down, up up up, down doooooooowwwwwwwnnnnnnn, up down, errrrr

I have to "function", but it's hard...damn hard. Lately I really really struggle with simple tasks in the morning. Then I get going. *Usually* by afternoon I'm managing quite well. I don't mope around like Eeyore. It's not like I go out to the store with my head hanging low. Most people I meet in person in passing wouldn't know I feel like dying. It's not like, when someone says "hi how are you?" that I reply "life sucks. I'm depressed". I can put on a smile and say 'fine thanks! you?' I'm just lying.

But I can't lie all the time. I need to be able to try to open up and describe what's going on with me. So, when my poor husband get's home, I talk to him. If I tell him I'm depressed, I still get, after THIRTEEN YEARS "why? what's the matter??"

Don't you understand??? NOTHING is the matter! I just am. It's not like I can make a list of a,b,c,d reasons why I'm depressed.

Stressed..yes...but I thrive under pressure. Depressed? It's chemical. It's gotta be! I can FEEL it. Maybe I should use a different word? Or maybe just not share it and lie about it?? Maybe I should just fake it till I make it (there's a lot to be said for that..) and save it all for my therapist each week? Seriously. I hate to bring the guy down. I think it's important for partners to share how they feel. He rarely shares feelings. But feeling so "down" and being angry at yourself feeling like you just shouldn't be struggling and why does it seem to come so easy to others, well, it's easy to end up feeling extremely lonely. And then I'm flippin IRRITABLE. Especially with the kids.

He doesn't understand. Can't, I guess. I'm thinking it's time to stop trying to talk to him about it. I've tried to say "I know you don't get it, and there's nothing you can do about it. Please stop asking me 'why' and just put your arms around me, hold me, and just tell me this too shall pass" Really. That's all I want. For pete's sake, I gave the guy the script! LOL That's it! Maybe I'll give him a "Julie Manual" for Christmas!!! If only it were that simple huh? Get married, and at the ceremony, you get a manual to the other person's heart and mind.

I've had the most intense "brain fog" the past several days. I guess I assumed anyone has at one point had brain fog. I was wrong. I went for my follow up to the ENT the other day and the guy was asking me my symptoms. I tried to explain, but it was hard to explain. I finally said "you know what I mean...haven't you ever felt like you were just in a fog???" He looks at me and says "I'm sorry, but no, I cannot say I've ever experienced that" Seriously??? I thought everyone has felt like that at some point. He's sending me now for vestibular balance testing and allergy testing. Joy. :)

I have GOT to FORCE myself to get outside. I know I will feel better. It's been pouring all day though. I KNOW this is going to pass. It ALWAYS does. It does. It will. I know it.

The kids and I accidentally overslept this morning, and we were late getting to school this morning. I had to walk them in and sign them in. The director was there and I was clearly frazzled and I started to cry a little. We go way back to when she was another parent at my kids' first montessori school, so she's also a friend. Why was I frazzled? Because I had a hard time getting the munchkins to simply cooperate in merely getting ready for school. My little girl did not show up with little curly q pigtails . I was happy I remembered to make their lunches, and sent them to school today with clean uniforms and made sure they put on socks and underwear. It was just one of those days!

I volunteered to make this stupid "I Can Dress Myself" vest for their little preschool class. Ya know the Ernie doll with zippers, snaps, buttons, buckles etc? Well they need a vest that the child can put on and practice these taskes. So of course, Miss Julie to the rescue! Why did I do that??? When will I learn to say no?????

I actually feel guilty because I don't have the children in four million enrichment activities. Ballet, gymnastics, karate, Lego League, soccer, basketball and so on and so on. They do have sunday school on sunday mornings, choir w/ daddy on sunday nights, and piano on wednesdays. I did sign Emmy up for afterschool art one day a week because I have to take my son an hour to his OT and ST and then another hour to his other therapy.

But should I feel guilty? If I had Emmy in ballet, she would have auditioned for the Nutcracker. She would be having a zillion mandatory rehearsals and let me tell ya, the chica that runs it is STRICT..old school English instructor strict. Last year I accidentally wrote her name on the bottom of her ballet shoes and I thought the woman was gonna have a stroke. If she was in the show, no doubt I would have volunteered to sew costumes. If that was all the case, I think I'd have to hang myself right about now. So, I should commend myself for no ballet this year, right?

I'm tired. And a little sad. And miss Lizzie. The last two days I was worried sick about her as she had travel troubles getting back to Spain from Prague.

I have managed no major binging even over Thanksgiving and a weekend at the Cape.

No doubt it's all in my attitude and I just need to change my thinking.

Oh, and this vent took the place of a giant glass of Chianti! :)

Thankful for so many things...

2010-11-24T19:50:00.000-08:00

I am thankful tonight.

It's been a tough few weeks, but it's all ok. I have so much to be thankful for and am looking forward to a quiet day at home tomorrow with my husband, two of my children, father in law and sister in law.

I miss Lizzie soooooooooo much right now. This is her first Thanksgiving ever away from home..and she's AWAY away. The American group she is with in Spain is hosting a "Thanksgiving dinner" for them tomorrow night. They will have turkey and stuffing. She's not sure about the rest. She is heading to Prague this weekend and is looking forward to that. Just a few more weeks until she is home. I cannot wait! It feels like Dec 18 will never get here! I'm very thankful for Skype!!!

I am so thankful that my little boy is feeling better. We did indeed start him on medicine last Friday. And we discontinued it on Monday as his heart rate soared to 150 and he felt miserable. No way. No freaking way am I putting my 8 year old through that. When your child wakes up complaining that it feels like someone is "pounding on his chest"..ugh...it is very disconcerting!

The doctor discontinued it and wants me to check his heart rate and monitor him this week and we'll talk next week. However, I'm not sure I'll be too quick to put him on something else.

Yesterday, he started hippotherapy!!! He got speech therapy AND occupational therapy at the same time while riding a horse! He was so nervous and apprehensive at first, but ended up loving it. The therapists were amazing. As I sat there and watched him trotting around the barn on the horse, with a big grin on his face, it brought tears to my eyes. It's quite a hike and I have to get him early from school once a week, but I think it'll be worth it.

Turkey is "brining" (never brined a turkey before!), desserts are made, and the children are snug in their beds anxiously awaiting the arrival of "Hermie" tomorrow..their "Elf on the Shelf" (they named him)

If you do Santa in your home and still have believers, and are not aware of "Elf on the Shelf" allow me to indulge you. It rocks! You are guaranteed perfectly behaved children until at least Dec 25. The kids get their own personal "north pole elf". He sits somewhere in your home all day and "watches" the kids. Every night, your elf goes back to the North Pole to report to Santa. Every morning, the children get up and find their elf returned in a new spot in the house. The kids live for waking up and running around the house to see where the elf planted himself that day. (moms, dads....don't forget!!!!) There are "rules". You can talk to him, but don't touch. He can't talk. It's ALL explained in the cute, clever book that accompanies him. It answers all their questions!! It's turned into a fun tradition and if they fight or argue, all you have to say is "Hermie" and their behavior turns around. AND bedtime is a dream..for a full month.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like we don't work on behavior the rest of the year, lol, but this is a nice perk, and I'm thankful for that too.

I wish everyone out there in the blogosphere a very happy and joyful Thanksgiving! Count your many blessings!! See ya in a few days..

You Know You're A Food Addict When...And More on Choices.

2010-11-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

You know you're a food addict when you agonize for over a week on what you're going to do about applie pie on Thanksgiving.
Whether or not to make it.
But how can you not? I mean, it's Thanksgiving. You always have apple pie on Thanksgiving. I mean after all, that's what it's ALL about, right???
You COULD go without it this year.
No you couldn't. You couldn't POSSIBLY live without apple pie on Thanksgiving.
Yes you could.
If I could have just one piece ON Thanksgiving.
But what about the leftovers?
And no one else eats apple pie..so you can't send it home.
Cannot fathom a Thanksgiving with no apple pie!

IT'S DOUGH. AND APPLES. AND SUGAR. What the heck????? How can you have an emotional attachment to that? That's nuts. No way.

I have ENOUGH human emotions right now. There is no room for human emotions to be directed at inanimate objects.

Please be advised, I say this all tongue in cheek. I KNOW how ridiculous it sounds. I've not *obsessed* over it, but truly, these thoughts have crossed my mind.

____________________________

Literally, immediately as I completed the last sentence above, our doorbell rang. It was my neighboor. Her husband, age 50, just had a heart attack a couple of days ago. She was asking me about low fat this or that. Interestingly, I knew *exactly* what she needed, how to feed him, what NOT to feed him, what he needs to stay away from. I sent her home with two bags of food and a list of stuff to buy him and ideas of what to feed him.

He is in decent shape (on the outside) for a 50 year old man *except* for heavy smoking (cigarettes and pot) and drinking. He works out, is a healthy weight, and even ate pretty well. They have an amazing vegetable garden. Drinking and smoking cancels all that out.

Standing in my kitchen talking to her really put the STUPID above apple pie stuff into perspective.

Again, choices. My neighbor didn't think he'd ever find himself in the ER flatlining getting paddled, having a seizure, breaking his arm on the table, or having surgery. Choice by choice by choice assisted him in getting there.

It was humbling. And scary. He's a nice guy. I feel for him and hope he takes this as a serious wake up call.

It actually got me thinking about my biological father. Dropped dead at age 55. He had a very unhealthy lifestyle.

It's the small choices that added up.

"oh, just this once...."

We never think it will happen to us.

Until it does, I guess.

______________________________

I know some people will say "oh you can have just one piece" but you know what? At this point in time, there is no such thing as "just one piece" Similar to no such thing as "just one drink" for some. Or "just one cigarette".

This isn't just a calorie issue for me. It's a blood sugar issue. And how much damage I'm going to choose to keep doing to my body saying "oh, just this once". "Just this once" has dramatically raised my "normal" blood sugar. "Just this once" has progressed my diabetes. "Just this once" is NEVER EVER 'just this once'.

"Dilemna" solved. No more wasted energy on such silliness. Will eat turkey and be happy and give thanks. :) And will knit during football rather than eat pie.

A Myriad of Emotions for the Day

2010-11-19T08:42:00.000-08:00

I'm happy that the sun is out.
I'm sad that I still am feeling down.
I'm glad that I'm starting to feel better.
I'm concerned about swinging in an up direction too much so will keep close check on that.
I'm worried about my son.
I'm relieved that he's going to be starting OT and ST on HORSES (hippotherapy)
I'm scared about starting him on medicine tonight.
I'm hopeful, however, that it is going to help him to feel better.
I'm optimistic about his future.
I'm ambivelant about an upcoming family situation.
I'm nervous about a financial situation.
I'm excited about Emily's birthday party tomorrow.
I'm ecstatic that Lizzie is coming home in less than a month.
I love my husband and kids.

But I'm pissed at him for not being at all strict with them last night.
I'm thankful for my friends.
I'm grateful for the special piece of nature that greets me most mornings as I'm at my kitchen sink (a blue jay in my yard that flies to my deck..I swear to sing just for me)
I'm surprised and awestruck and inspired the past couple of days learning about the life of a woman with autism, Temple Grandin.
I'm annoyed with the kids' pediatrician.
I am delighted that Christmas is just around the corner.
I'm finally very satisfied with my son's psychologist and *understand* his therapeutic approach.
I'm stressed about work.
I've been bored with it lately.
I'm about to start new designs and anticipate a change of heart.
I'm overwhelmed after a phone meeting I just had with my accountant, but am again thankful that she is so patient.

I'm proud that I am finally starting to comprehend how to reconcile an account. LOL

And it's only noon.....

Life or Death Choices

2010-11-17T04:55:00.000-08:00

I have choices. I make choices all day long.

Choose to get out of bed.
Choose whether or not to exercise.
Choose which clothes to wear.
Choose what to do for the day.
Heck, I work for myself and sometimes choose whether to work or not!
I can choose to be self centered, or to serve others.
I can choose to see the cup as half empty, or half full.

I choose what time to go to bed at night, armed with knowledge about the importance of sleep to my longevity.

I can choose mindFULness, or mindLESSness.

I have the choice to lose weight. I can choose what to eat today. How to move today. How to THINK today. Yes, I can choose positive or negative thoughts. I can choose to keep my blood sugar in control, or to feed my glucose intolerance and make it that much harder to make good choices tomorrow, and the next..

By making choices above, I can choose to live longer, or die sooner. Put that way, I know what the more appealing choice is. Therefore, the other choices that support life vs. death shouldn't be all that difficult. They are no brainers.

I'm looking forward to a day of choices. Choices to live longer..with every bite I take and step I take.

Cuz I'm sick of killing myself.

One Foot In Front Of The Other

2010-11-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

I'm fighting cravings something fierce. I'm positive in this case, it's mostly a PMS thing.

Forcing the water, and so far on plan. The day is not even half over and I can just feel it is going to be a battle all day.

I'm feeling SO "down". No reason really. I'm worried about my son and feel lost. I don't understand all the education stuff or even where to turn with him. I don't think his present educational environment is best suited for him. He's extremely bright but needs more structure.

Last night he approached me with tears in his eyes and said it upsets him when his environment changes. I couldn't figure out what he was talking about. He mentioned something in our house that had changed, a gate at the top of the stairs, but it changed MONTHS ago. He described his feelings as "feeling all alone in a big forest with trees" and "confused". My heart is aching.

I kind of want a new neuropsych eval. The one he had two years ago was botched. It was a *horrible* experience. His present psychologist does not agree with it at all and he's a pretty smart guy, I think. He has given a diagnosis. Why can't I accept it? What will change if I get the same diagnosis on a piece of paper from Children's hospital? Will I feel differently?

I really really REALLY need to find a support group in our area. I haven't even looked into any online.

We absolutely NEED routine, consistency and predictability at home. My boy needs it. My husband is so good at routine, ritual, consistency in many things. (to a fault sometimes!) I suck at it. Pure and simple. Just suck! We have a basic afternoon routine..dinner at the same time at the family table..and pretty much the same after dinner and bedtime routine. What am I missing here???? Does it need to be even more rigid?

I'm as ADD as my son. I can relate to him in so many ways. But I'm the mom and simply MUST provide him with more structure. And I'm ANGRY at myself for not doing a good job. At least I don't feel like I am. If he's coming up to me with misty big blue eyes feeling all nervous, I feel like that's my fault...like I'm not providing him with something he needs.

I'm just tired. It's a cold, drizzly day. In the past, I'd have tollhouse cookies and milk to bottle up the emotions.

Food is what I've used to "cork" those emotions in. Take away the food and the emotions just come flying out. That's how I feel on days like this. For now. I'm sure it'll get better with time. I hope.

Today is just one of those days when you put one foot in front of the other and "do the next thing".

Quinoa Stuffed Acorn Squash and Changing Mood...

2010-11-14T15:44:00.000-08:00

Today has been a rather quiet day. I was just thinking to myself on Thursday how great it was that I haven't gone through a deep depression this season, and Thursday night, lo and behold, BAM..it started. I seem to be holding my own and keeping on top of it, but it's taken a real conscious effort and it's tiring. I will fight it with everything I've got. Thanksgiving is just next week and Lizzie is coming home Dec 18. I just can't have her come home to a depressed mom. I can't. I won't.

I got my cardio in this morning, which ALWAYS makes me feel better, and I've had 160 oz of water so far today, and eaten really well having yogurt and ezekiel cereal, spaghetti squash w/ my homemade sauce w/ grd turkey, some yummy shrimp cocktail, and quinoa stuffed acorn squash for dinner. Yummm!

Earlier this week, I made my homemade sauce that my mom taught me to make. The only thing I do differently now is instead of use ground beef, I use lean ground turkey. It takes 4 cans of no added salt crushed tomatoes, one large chopped onion, 5 cloves garlic minced, 2 tbsp sugar (to neutralize acidity), 3 tsp sea salt, and a bunch of italian seasonings. It makes enough for at LEAST three meals for my family, usually more.
Matt took the kids out for lunch, so I had spaghetti squash with my sauce. Yummm!:

I've decided I kind of like spaghetti squash. I wish it wasn't quite as crunchy, but it's good nonetheless.

I then went out to Whole Foods to do a little shopping for the week and came home and decided to try making Quinoa Stuffed Acorn Squash. Not knowing how to bake acorn squash, I watched a few YouTube videos and chose one.

I cut it in half lengthwise and scooped out the insides.

I melted a couple of tsp of butter, and mixed in a very small amt of maple syrup and brown sugar:

and brushed it on the squash, discarding the rest (I also used a paring knife to make the cross hatches prior to baking):

I baked the squash at 400 degrees for about 50 min and it looked like this:

Then, I cooked my quinoa in low sodium chicken broth (and added a little seasoning also) and when it was cooked, looked like this:

I decided to sautee some veggies and season to toss with the quinoa. I put a little olive oil in a pan and sauteed onion, celery, baby bella mushrooms, and chopped carrots and seasoned with some Emeril and BAM! Then, I threw in a few Craisins, and that was done:

I added this mixture to the quinoa:

And then stuffed 1/2 of the squash with the mixture:

It was pretty good!! I enjoyed the quinoa mixture, and the squash, and liked them together. I think it might be a little bland for some palettes. I probably was way too conservative with the seasonings. I'm VERY new at this "experimenting" thing with cooking so I'm not sure what I'll do next time. I guess whatever I'm in the mood for.

I enjoyed it nonetheless, with another bottle of water, and my beloved Village Candle "Warm Apple Pie" scent, for that's as close as I'm getting to apple pie tonight :)

If You're Sitting There Pining Away For Cake...

2010-11-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

If you're out there tonight and pining away for a piece of chocolate cake or a cupcake or anything like that, please allow me to intervene and tell you:

Don't do it! It sucks! It's gross! It'll make you feel like shit. It'll spike your blood sugar and send you into a spiraling crash. It'll have a field day with your self esteem. You'll start to obsess and analyze why you did such a thing after "being so good". You'll stare at the left over cake on the counter in disgust.

Then, after you're done with that, you'll go to your trusty calorie counter and if you're HONEST, will record that you just wasted several hundred valuable calories on TRASH. Trash for your body. Garbage. BLECH.

What the heck??

It started off a quiet day. I slept in because my husband, who I do not thank NEARLY enough for being the gem that he is, got up with my children and let me sleep.

I got up, had my breakfast and sat down to get some work done. Oh the joys of a home business owner.

Then, it happened again! My son was moaning and doubled over in stomach pain. He kept going to the bathroom thinking he was going to throw up. He did not this time.

I called the pediatrician's office because they are open on Saturdays and I decided "ok, twice in a week? something's up" And he was in MISERABLE pain. The nitwit nurse there insisted we go right to the ER. I can't stand her. That's her answer to everything. I need to change offices. You just can't get past this steel stubborn woman. Oh, and her triaging sucks. There, got that off my chest....

Four hours at the ER and he is indeed very constipated. We needed to rule out appendicitis and gall bladder etc. He has chronic issues with this so I'm insisting at his physical next week that he see a specialist, especially where dad has Crohn's and gluten intolerance. The ER doctor today confirmed that he should really see a pediatric gastroenterologist.

Back home and he was ok the rest of the day.

I, on the other hand, somehow got it stuck in my head that I MUST MUST MUST have chocolate cake. I just couldn't get it out of my head!! It was crazy. Last night I was happily roasting more veggies, making plans to go to Whole Foods today to get this shrimp they have on sale and some maple butter, and this afternoon, my brain is overpowering me.

My husband went out to the store to get some stuff while I was bringing my son home, and I'm ashamed to admit that I badgered him into getting one of those mini cakes from the bakery section that serves maybe 2 or 3. I had a little more than half before feeling like gagging.

Why oh why oh why does it take until AFTER I've eaten it to realize it's crap and I'm going to HATE it????

AND, why oh why oh why can't I REMEMBER such an event the NEXT TIME the craving strikes??

It's 8:15pm and I've been chugging water. I've gone 100 calories over my allotment for the day, despite the cake. I overestimated on calories for the cake. It says there are 4 servings, I wrote in 3 servings even though it's more like 2 1/2 but wanted to be safe.

So, I'm at 1800 calories, and my cap is 1700. I came in under yesterday but that still doesn't excuse the cake being that I'm ummm, diabetic!

Could it be because I'm pms'ing? perhaps? Chocolate cravings maybe? Or just glutton craving ..probably.

It could have gone a lot worse. But I am very unhappy with giving in to it. On the other hand, in the past when I have given in, I did not go to any lengths to be sure I counted any calories, so I guess at least I'm aware and was honest and hopefully HOPEFULLY have learned from this!!

Don't do it. It's not worth it. It really really isn't. BLECH Trust me!

Return Of The Inner Bully!!

2010-11-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

Don't Beat Yourself Up!

How many times have you heard someone say that to you?

I've heard it many many times.

It is true that I am my own worst bully.

I set out to have an amazingly productive day today. Get lots of work done, cook some more, finish the piles of laundry and have the house in order. Mara comes tomorrow and I can't wait. I'm still learning to adjust without her. I missed her a great deal today!!

NOTHING has gone my way today. I feel *miserable*. Physically. I have been perpetually nauseas for 3 days now.

If you knew me, you'd know I can handle anything BUT nausea.

I feel the chills starting to come on, have a horrible headache, am terribly sick to my stomach and am so tired.

The kids have today and tomorrow off. I've done nothing with them today, though they've entertained themselves..and the condition of my house proves it! I've got one load of laundry done, but not folded. I *think* the kids ate. I've barely eaten. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and wake up tomorrow feeling better.

If I was an outsider looking in, I'd say "yeah, sounds like you've got a bug. Take it easy on yourself...relax. Take a nap. The kids will be ok"

But no..what have I done? My "inner bully" has reared her ugly face and had a *field day* today. I've called myself lazy, criticized myself to pick myself up by the bootstraps..what is wrong with you? ONE load of laundry??? why didn't you clean the kitchen yet? I can't believe you haven't got these kids trained to pick up after themselves better. You'll just never get it together. You're a failure. You're so ADD. ADD is crap. What a cop out. You're lazy. Get your act together Julie. What do you mean you haven't got dinner planned? Seriously? It's 3:30. Oh..you have YOUR dinner planned. What about the family? You're so selfish. Can't you suck it up for a day Julie? Get your ass on the eliptical. Who cares if you have a stomach ache? Maybe you'll puke and lose a few pounds faster. Sure wouldn't kill you!

See how one negative thought just fires the next??

As I mentioned in my "Squashing the bully within" post earlier this year, if someone was bullying my kid, I'd do everything in my power to stop it. WHY then, do I allow self-bullying??

After an hour or so of this negative self talk, I felt squashed and defeated..and it was ME beating up on ME.

I *finally* snapped out of it and gave myself "permission" to not do another thing for the day but rest. As soon as my husband walked through that door, I headed upstairs to lay down.

The laundry will be there tomorrow. The messes will be there. It is not the end of the world.

I do this to myself about working towards goals. I was upset and angry at myself because I didn't follow my eating plan today. I didn't eat crap. I've barely eaten ANYTHING because I feel so lousy.

I finally just gave myself a pep talk. "Jules, it's OK to not be obsessed with food every waking moment. You don't have to take it THAT seriously. You're not eating crap and you know it. You don't FEEL well. Get over the bug. Tomorrow is another day" Yes, it's serious...but this is a lifestyle change, and getting sick every now and then is part of life. It's gonna happen!

I am not sure why I am so mean to myself. Of COURSE I want to improve..in so many ways. There's always room for improvement. But is constant self badgering going to make that happen?

Would I speak to others the way I speak to myself?? I mean, if my husband were home today with the stomach bug, would I have beaten up on him over it and put him down for not accomplishing stuff around the house? Of course not.

How will I succeed on this journey towards health and wellness, if I don't learn to be kind to myself?

Beating myself up emotionally is NOT "healthy". I'm after health not just in a healthy body weight and BMI. I'm after health physically, mentally, *emotionally* and spiritually.

How do you be patient with yourself, without becoming complacent? How do you keep that inner bully at bay? I think I'm so afraid that if I "give myself a break", then I'll let it all go.

I slept all evening and do feel better. Tomorrow is a new day. I'll probably wake up with the greatest of intentions, once again. Hopefully I'll be able to practice kindness and patience, not just with others, but also with myself, and not allow that inner bully to get a foothold.

Stop Hitting The Snooze Button!

2010-11-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

I'm not a morning person. I want to be a morning person. I NEED to be a morning person.

I need early morning ME time, because I'm not getting it in the evening anymore. I need to work during the day.

I *really* want to get in the habit of doing my cardio each day FIRST thing..before the kids get up, and before taking them to school. Cardio is meditative time for me.

So, I had this long yada yada morning post written. When I'm up early, I love it. There's nothing like that peaceful, blissful quiet time. It's doing it. JUST DO IT. Right?

Early to bed, early to rise. Early bird catches the worm and all that good stuff.
So here's to a new habit in the making.

Good night! :)

Oh, and if you have any practical tips on how to change into said morning person, please do share!

Preparation Preparation Preparation!!

2010-11-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

Someone once would try to drill this into me: preparation preparation preparation. Just about a year ago I worked with Bobby and he just said this to me repeatedly. It really is key in this lifestyle change!!!

Today has been a pretty darned good day!

I cooked up a storm and well, that's not like me. Guess what I'm learning? I'm not half bad at it! :)

I made a spaghetti sauce for my family. That is one thing I CAN do very well. This time, I made it with ground turkey instead of ground beef. I got Barilla Plus spaghetti for them for dinner, and have made myself spaghetti squash and will have that with some of my sauce.

Wednesday's are spaghetti night at our house. It is what I affectionatly call "bewitching hour" with each kid having their piano lessons right around dinner time. Planning it accordingly so my son does not have a meltdown during his lesson can sometimes be a challenge.

I went grocery shopping right after dropping the kids off and came home and set straight to work. I got the pot of sauce going, and decided I was going to try my hand for the first time at a big tray of roasted veggies.

I cut up a bunch and laid them out on a jellyroll pan. There is butternut squash, baby carrots, fresh brussel sprouts, pearl onions (which were a pain because I had to boil for a couple minutes, peel, then lay them out), button bella mushrooms, zucchini, cauliflower, red and green peppers. I think that's it..Here's what they looked like all laid out. Ain't it purty?

Then I sprayed them with olive oil and seasoned with some sea salt, black pepper, and some Emeril Essence

Then roasted at 450 for an hour. I tossed at the half way point:

And when they were done, they looked like this.

Not as crispy as I wanted, but omg, YUMMMMMMMMMMMMM I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I had some for lunch with some grilled shrimp:

And will use the rest on a salad over the next day or two.

I am really boring usually when it comes to cooking and don't try new things. I'll eat anything someone else cooks. I just lack the self confidence with cooking. Which is really strange because my grandmother and mother are outstanding cooks. And my brother is a gourmet chef. And I'm told my biological dad loved to cook. So where do I come from??? The milkman??

I had a good cardio workout and have had over a gallon of water so far today.

I have tried something new also and written out my eating plan for the next 3 days, making sure I have on hand everything on my plan. I have back ups for when things change, but if I'm not prepared, I may as well hang it up. Preparation for me is KEY!! It is when I'm not prepared that I fall of the wagon easier.

What kind of veggies do you like to roast?
What are ways that you prepare for your eating throughout the week?

Finding What Stirs Your Soul

2010-11-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

Don't die with your music still inside you. Listen to your intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs your soul.
- Wayne Dyer

I was on the phone this morning with a good friend who is very overwhelmed right now with all of life. Being able to relate, I tried to lend an ear and just listen. We've been friends since high school. She has a 21 month old son and 2 daughters ages 9 and 10.

She is my friend, but doesn't know anything about my blog. You may wonder why, you may not. But I need the freedom to be me on my blog and share as I will, even quotes like the one above. She is as rigid as they come, black and white, and very critical. She is her mother. She's unhappy with pretty much every aspect of life right now. I feel so bad.

Apparantly, this morning, her husband was asking her what she wants to "do"..what she wants to "be" when the grows up..what are her hopes and dreams? What does she desire? Her answer? Nothing. She thinks dreams are baloney and somehow, you're not being a "good christian" by having dreams, wants, desires. She thinks her husband is irresponsible to have goals, dreams, desires..even if it's a big dream, like that of owning his own specialty restaurant one day.

She criticizes me for being a "free spirit". By being this "free spirit", surely I'm not being obedient to God. I wholeheartedly disagree! If I post a quote by someone like Wayne Dyer, she'll tear me apart because I don't mention "God". I love her so much, but do not see eye to eye with her on this.

I tried to draw out of her, on the phone this morning, what are her passions? She says she has none. I said that's ridiculous. We ALL are passionate about SOMETHING. There's got to be *something* that stirs her soul.

She thinks it's too late. I told her she's just a baby and this is a season of her life, and that seasons change. I shared with her my passions. She says they're not passions, they're crazy thoughts because I'm bipolar. NOT (I know the difference!)

I shared with her the above quote. She poo poo'd it as "new age". I told her God is passionate. God created us in His image and put in us a SOUL with things to be passionate about! God is a *passionate* God.

I started to think of what music is still inside me.

--I have a passion to get healthy and lose weight--health alone is so much more than even JUST losing weight!
--I have a passion for creativity
--I'm passionate about my kids and encouraging them to never settle and always reach for their dreams
--I'm passionate to no end about travelling and find it extremely exhilerating.
--Compassion is of my strongest of core values
--I have a strong desire to do more with writing..take classes, workshops
--I want to have something to speak about one day. I learned after my testimony/speech last week, that I have a gift for public speaking. I'm almost 40 and just learned that! I spoke to a room of 200 strangers with passion, effortlessly, and loved it.
--I have a passion for needlearts, which goes with the creativity I guess

--I'm majorly passionate about being open and outspoken about mental illness and trying to help others see that it does not define at all who they are!

I set out in life initially to "be a nurse". That is what I was going to "be" for the rest of my life. It lasted 10 years. Did I ever imagine in my WILDEST dreams I'd become an entrepeneur? That I would have a knack for marketing? or ever even *contemplate* agreeing to speak for a big fundraiser, let alone a room of 10 people?

I shared these with her. I said "uh, honey..these passions do not make me "manic" with bipolar..they make me HUMAN"

I asked her what she's interested in? Your passions are what's important to you. A PASSION of hers, that has always been a passion, is photography. She kept saying it's too late. She can't make a living at it. She doesn't know enough. There's too much to remember. I told her "girl, take your camera, experiment, be artistic. It's digital for goodness sake. You're not going to waste film!!! There are thousands of blogs, forums, articles online." She could even do side jobs eventually. She just had a bunch of excuses why she "can't"

SO LEARN!! I said to her. The baby still naps. Learn. Teach yourself. "I can't" she says. "There's no such thing as the word can't" I said.

It's driving me nuts. She feels trapped and is stuck in "I can't" I said "you won't"

Then I thought back to myself. How many times have I said "I can't" about losing weight. Getting fit. I decided "ok, I can lose this weight and here's what I'm doing" but still said "I'll never be able to run"

I can't run now, but....Will I one day be passionate about running??

What will my future passions be as I change?? It's freaking EXCITING to wonder and not know.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE! IT'S NEVER TOO LATE! I've learned more about myself in the past 2 years than the 39 that I've been alive. I'll probably say the same when I'm 50. And 60. And 70.

I want so badly to help my friend to "get it". She *insists* she is not passionate about ANYTHING, doesn't want anything and never will.

Don't die with your music still inside you. It is NEVER too late to start doing or being what you want to do or who you want to be!

Out With the Old, In With the New..Looking Forward!

2010-11-08T18:50:00.000-08:00

Ok. I have gotten to the point in life where getting a new refridgerator excites me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing!

I cannot WAIT until tomorrow morning! My new Whirlpool fridge arrives. We haven't had a working fridge since Thursday night! We have a VERY old one in the basement that we have a few things in so have been running up and down for the milk and stuff, and well, that's a good thing for me right? More exercise?

I have visions of stocking it. Fresh organic produce. Ya know, "ideals". I can't wait to go grocery shopping. I never look forward to grocery shopping. It always seems like a chore to me.

Going to bed early tonight. I'll get up bright and early, do my cardio, shower and get ready for my new baby to arrive.

One thing different is that this fridge has a top freezer whereas the old one had a bottom one (and I hated it!)

Of all the things to look forward to!! Pathetic! LOL

A more exciting thing that I'm looking forward to is I signed up to attend the FitBloggin conference in May. I'm looking forward to that!!. It's one of three conferences for 2011 I hope to get to. I bought my ticket for that one. Another one is called "I Can Do It" in Toronto. It's a Hayhouse conference. I went to one of their conferences this past spring in Boston and sat with my dear friend, Mike. Welllllllll, as a result of that conference (kind of a long story), Mike got a book deal with Hay House and it will be published in the spring and he has been asked to speak at one of their workshops at the Toronto conference!! He is an *amazing* speaker and has a great story. I am not sure I'll be able to attend that as it is the weekend before FitBloggin, but I just may, and may make a weeklong getaway of one to the other. I'll have to see. I would love to be able to go and support him. I'm soooooo excited for him!! We've been friend for gasp...25 years!!

The other one I'm really going to try to get to is BlogHer in August. That's across the country in San Diego but I was shocked at how low the airfare is and I love me a good conference, so am going to try to get to that too. Plus, I've only been to California once and that was San Francisco.

I think they'll all be feasible as I don't have any other big travel plans, so, here's hoping!

What are you looking forward to? Anything good coming up?

A Little Overwhelmed..a Rant in Lieu of eating.

2010-11-08T13:08:00.000-08:00

What else is new? I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I decided instead of raiding my cabinets I'd sit and blog :) Figure it'll save me a lot of calories! :)

I took my son for his appointment at Children's today and we met with two sleep specialists, one that is also a neurologist.

They ordered chromosome tests and a 48 hour EEG to evaluate some changes in his other EEGs and ? focal seizures, all sorts of ways to change bedtime routine (including things that will affect our evenings), give melatonin etc. And they want me to give him Flonase for his snoring. Ok. His snoring is minor and I just have a problem at this point giving nasal steroids to my little boy every single night. The sleep study he had did not show sleep apnea. I just don't know.

They are pushing me to start him on Strattera for his adhd. They said it will also help with his anxiety. I have resisted for 2 years now putting him on medication. I tried another med briefly 2 years ago for a week..when I was homeschooling him. He developed a tick within a week and was completely zoned and was NOT my little boy so I stopped it. The psychiatrist wasn't happy with me but seriously, she was a rigid old hag and I couldn't stand her, and I felt I knew my kid best. She was ALL about meds meds meds and nothing else..so I never went back to her. She was old school and one of those doctors that talked down to you and would NOT listen to you. Uh uh. Not with me..not with MY SON. Mama bear kicks in!

Anyway, the poor thing is just all over the place. He's struggling at school and has a great deal of trouble focusing and is super hyperactive. I'm getting notes from his teacher often on our communication doc. He's being disrespectful and losing recess time. He verbalizes what's going on inside his mind. It's like he KNOWS he's bouncing off the walls and doesn't want to. I've been contemplating lately trying him on something and have just been so hesitant. The head doctor we saw today really tried to encourage me to try this and said it might help with his anxiety also. They will see him back in 3 months.

I'm so torn. If he was diabetic, I'd give him insulin if he needed it. I give him antibiotics if he needs them.

I'm just so scared about anything that messes with the brain. I want to do the right thing by him and what if I mess up???? I just love him to pieces and want him to feel good. All I want is for him to feel good!!!!

The psychologist tomorrow (who I just love) will likely try to point out to me once again that we're dealing with autism and he beats to a different drum. I know. He's high functioning autistic/aspergers and has his quirks. They make him who he is also. He doesn't have "special" needs..he has HIS needs. He is unique, not broken.

I want him to have regular friendships. I swear to God, one more sleepover like last Friday may just land me in an insane asylum!!

One friend thinks I'm horrible to "drug him", another thinks I'm horrible to withhold meds from him. I can't win. I've got my mother squawking in one ear.

My husband, who takes no part in any of this, wants to know what the "plan" is. At 5pm today, all I'll get is a "what's for dinner?" and "what's the plan?" errrr

My son is an otherwise very healthy little boy and for that I am so so so so soooooooooo thankful! We are very blessed. Goodness, I don't even mean to "complain" because really, this is NOTHING to what other children and families go through. On the way into Children's today, we walked right by the cancer center. My little boy's issues pale in comparison!

So I do not mean to complain. I just am a little overwhelmed and don't know what to do for MY son. I have to make the decision because I'm the only one that will make a half informed one. Do I go with the conventional medicine? or do I hold out and try all the sleep stuff they recommended? I was thinking of trying him on a gluten free diet because of his tummy aches. Pediatrician poo poo's that. Maybe we need a new pediatrician? I've been thinking of that. One who specializes in kids on the spectrum, a little more open to holistic exploration and treatment.

I just hate to use a drug as a bandaid. Know what I mean? Meds are great and have their place. Heck, *I* take psyche meds. Therefore I KNOW the side effects. I KNOW how they've made me feel and react over the years. I KNOW I need them right now, but *I* am an adult with an already developed brain.

On the other hand, if this medicine helps him FEEL better, isn't that the goal? I just don't want it to ultimately lead to MORE problems. I want what's in his best interest.

I don't want to do him a disservice by withholding a medicine that could make him feel better. If he has a headache, I give him Tylenol..although that's a PRN type of medicine.

I couldn't get him for the bloodwork today. He started to FREAK out..turn beet red, shaking and crying. He needs forewarning so we will have it done when he goes back to get hooked up for the EEG. I tried to bribe him with a small Lego kit but that wasn't flying. Fine with me..one less thing for me to step on tonight.

What does this have to do with my weight loss? These are the issues I mindlessly would eat through as I think..so instead I write. So this post took the place of I don't know how many hundred calories. Oh, and I got in 32 oz of water while I wrote it! hehe

A Day in the Life of Falling Off the Wagon

2010-11-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

Is this weekend almost over yet???

Please?

I have been so diligent with counting my calories and drinking a ton of water. Since I got sick over a week ago I haven't exercised much because well, I'm dizzy. I had such a dizzy spell yesterday that I stumbled to the side as I was walking towards my family at the promenade at a mall we went to. You'd think I was drunk or something!

It all started Friday. Back up. It started Wednesday.

I got an email from my son's friend's dad that he needed a HUGE favor and could his son please sleep over Friday night. I felt for the dad. He's newly married (a year) to a sweet young woman. He was widowed when his son was just under a year old. His wife was killed in a crash. He's done an amazing job and is such a wonderful father. They're just newlyweds. They need some time out and yeah, I know that's not my problem, but it's not easy to get a sitter for this child, so we said yes.

I've never done sleepovers with my son yet. He has anxiety, adhd, aspergers, sensory stuff. He's on a schedule and it works. The child..guest..yes, he's a sweet boy. He is. He has *severe* debilitating issues, mainly Tourrettes's and OCD as a result and I just cannot handle him. I can't. The school he was in with my son last year couldn't handle him and had to let him go. He is impossible to control. The dad is a friend and my son likes this boy and they are friends. I wanted to help out. So, thinking I could prepare well, again, I said yes.

I am NOT going to BLAME my behavior on a 7 year old. Regardless of any other issues. It was such a stressful situation that I don't think I was prepared for.

I talked to dad and got the kid's routine and "planned" how we'd attack the evening. Despite that fact that my REFRIDGERATOR died the same day (stressful to a woman who cooks and cares for a family and now has to throw everything out), the kid came over. Our children played...WILDLY. I needed three motrin for the headache. We got them pizza.

Problem 1. Pizza. I was stressed. I had no fridge. Nothing prepared for me. I ate 1 piece of pizza and water for dinner.

Immediately following dinner, they made paper airplanes and my kitchen was now full of construction paper. Fine. They threw them around and didn't break anything.

Got them jammied up, teeth brushed, faces washed at at 8:15 sharp took them upstairs and told my famous "Adventures of the Three Bears" stories (always on a different adventure), read some Dr. Suess, put on quiet music and coached them on what noise level they were allowed to talk. It was fine. They talked for 3 hours but didn't get out of bed or out of control. GREAT!!!!!

They woke up at the crack of dawn and were HORRIBLE. Just wild and there was no reigning them in. *Usually*, early in the morning Jacob wants to watch Myth Busters or something. Well, this kid didn't want to do anything I suggested. He just was unruly and I finally said "listen..in THIS house, this is how we do things on Saturday morning"

The boys needed *constant* redirection. Both boys need constant redirection usually. Trying to give TWO kids together what they need almost threw me over the edge. My stress level was at it's limit.

I still have no refridgerator. Shit!!!

Matt made pancakes

Problem 2. I did not eat said pancakes. But I didn't eat anything else either. Except 4 cups of coffee..which is way too much for me.

The kids didn't want to go out, and it was damp and cold. Got them finally watching "Furry Vengeance". I had to have this kid READY and at the door for his stepmom at 10am. With children like this, they NEED forewarning to be ready. You can't just pull them away from something. At this point, he was starting to meltdown. I couldn't get him to brush his teeth or get his shoes on or do ANYTHING I told him. He was very defiant and he has OCD and if you are familiar with this in children, it's a tough thing to deal with. They can't help what they're doing. With his tourrettes, he goes into these SCREAMING fits and it's uncontrollable to him. It's like even if he WANTS to stop screaming hysterically, he cannot.

That is what happened when the mom got here to pick him up. He FLIPPED out. I'm sure my whole street could hear this poor kid. We could NOT peel him out of the front door way. He was kicking screaming, throwing things, hitting, flailing. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown..tried to, and managed to remain calm and try to help the mom get him to the car. Things are flying out of the car. I don't know if..I don't know how..but she finally drove off. I felt so bad for her. And for him. It's not his fault. It also breaks my heart that I dread having him over, yet I know he cannot help this.

They drove off. I went back into my house. Emily is waiting for me to take her to the American Girl store for her birthday. At this point, I might as well said "fuck a diet..give ma piece of cake" for I went and had a piece of her 2 day old birthday cake. blech.

So, now I've had 4 cups of coffee and a big piece of chocolate cake and it's 11am. And I'm a diabetic. So now I start to feel like crap of course. Because after all, it makes total sense to react to this kind of stress by having coffee and cake right? Sure... (sarcasm)

I had 2 hardboiled eggs and some more water.

My husband, myself, and the two kids climbed into the car and off we went to Natick..an hour or so away. We arrived and my son was doubled over in tummy pain and white as a ghost. He had the "look". The "look" that we mommy's know all too well. He *said* he didn't have to throw up. I had him sit outside on the bench with my husband while I went into the doll store with Emily. Emmy, being a sweet lil thing, picked out her presents with her birthday money and we were done in there in a jiffy.

We came out and they are all hungry.

Problem 3. Cheesecake Factory is RIGHT there. calorie ridden, fat ridden, sodium ridden, crap ridden CHEESECAKE FACTORY

My favorite thing in there is the Factory Meatloaf.

At this point, Jacob is feeling "perfect" and starving. I'm hungry. We venture in to eat lunch. I order the Factory Meatloaf. Jacob is sitting across from me and doesn't look good again..so not well, that he refuses to order. Crap. I remove stuff from one of the small shopping bags and give it to dad who is sitting next to him. Just in case..right? Because no. There's no way he's going to PUKE in the crowded restaurant at the table. No way. Not with the bag next to him.

Our meals come. I take 5 or 6 bites of each item, picking through it now, kind of grossed out, wondering what's in this food I ordered and feeling HORRIBLY guilty for screwing up my momentum. Laden with guilt.

Guilt and shame..and then I look up.

And there is my baby boy...with the REAL LOOK. MATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bag!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!

And the kid starts to puke violently into the pretty American Girl bag. again. and again. and again. We can't move him. He's not stopping.

Have I ever mentioned that I was a nurse for 10 years and I can deal NO PROBLEM with blood, guts, pee, poop....ANYTHING but this? :)

So, I was saved from the meatloaf by my puking child. Thank you, sweet Jacob!

We got it together, gracefully managed to get up, get him to the restroom and fixed up..I paid the bill. I don't believe anyone around us even knew this occurred. Kudos to the great Cheesecake Factory staff who helped us out.

Long drive back home. I don't like my routine messed up. I was a BEAR. My husband's driving pisses me off. Actually, the poor guy couldn't do anything right in my book yesterday. God love him.

We got home, got the kids settled and I went for the last piece of stale chocolate cake.

I did have 2 bottles of my water..64 oz. Woo hoo! as if that makes it all better....

I went to bed early. Just exhausted. The dad of that kid calls me to see how everything went. "oh great..yeah..sure..we'll have to do it again soon..mmm hmmmm"

Defeated, I layed down and curled up in a ball.

I still have no refridgerator!!!! We were too tired and I just didn't have time to go get one yesterday.

This morning I woke up. UGH STILL NO FRIDGE. So today, I did something about it and with nothing but 2 cups of coffee and 2 boiled eggs in me, went to Lowe's and bought one. They can't deliver until Tuesday morning. I will survive. We have an old crappy one in the cellar with milk in it.

I have no idea what we're going to do for dinner. Jacob is feeling better. We are off to Children's hospital tomorrow for the day for the sleep clinic. I'm going to insist to his pediatrician that he see a gastroenterologist. I think he might have a gluten intolerance or celiacs. He has chronic stomach aches, chronic constipation, and throws up about every 2-3 months.

Tomorrow is a new day. It's only 3:30. The day is not over. I can still make the next right choice.

I just SERIOUSLY need to learn to deal with stress..and kids..better!!!

I'm in for part 2 of the DDD challenge. Not sure what my final weight for part 1 will be in the morning and I'm nervous to find out. I'm angry at myself.

But again, I say, tomorrow is a new day...and in fact, this is a new hour. So I'll chin up and do my best!!!

I should have a prize for anyone who actually was able to stomach this post from beginning to end..... :)

The Moments That Take Your Breath Away

2010-11-06T04:52:00.000-07:00

Two days ago was my little girl's 7th birthday. I know it's cliche, but I just cannot believe how time flies by.

As I've shared in prior posts, these last 7 years have been really tough learning to live with bipolar disorder. Having had our nanny, Mara, to help me, I have woken up and realized I have missed out on many special moments with my kids. I can't thank Mara enough for all the pictures she's taken of every day moments that I otherwise would have taken for granted and simply would have passed me by. She is such a wonderful woman.

I'm busy. Aren't we all. I work HARD at running my business and am on the computer a LOT. Probably as an escape. Sort of like I've used food..as an escape. Escaping from thinking, feeling, loving and especially allowing myself to be loved.

I was sitting in the family room on my laptop Wednesday night and my sweet Emily comes up to me, as she often does, and says "do you have to do that right now?"

It was almost 7pm. No. No I didn't HAVE to be on the computer right then. She shut the lid of the laptop and I put it on the floor. She climbed up on my lap and snuggled right up to my chest all curled up in a ball, and stared up at me with her HUGE beautiful blue eyes.

All she wanted to do was snuggle with her mommy. It's ALL she wanted was for me to hold her. She's 7 years old and still such a little peanut..which is funny because she was nearly 10 lbs when she was born!

Emily often gets the least attention because Jacob is such a handful and requires so much of my time in instruction and taking him to various appointments. Poor Emily is starved for my attention and will often even fabricate ailments to get me to dote on her.

I'm so glad I shut that computer. And just cuddled with her. We started talking and she asked me to tell her about the day she was born. I started to tell her about how she was just a pin dot in mommy's tummy and how she grew and grew and all about the day she was born..maybe in too much detail for she started asking a few questions I wasn't quite prepared to answer. I did have a c section so that saved me a bit, but I just talked to her matter of factly and she was just loving every moment of hearing all about how excited I was when the ultrasound showed I was having another little girl, and how she kicked me a lot and all about the moment she was born. Her eyes just danced.

Oh. My. HEART just MELTED. Just a regular weekday evening and some truly unforgettable moments.

So I'm not really into country music much, but I LOVE the stories that some of the songs tell, and last week, I just felt like turning to the country music station. It's been on that station for a week and I have been hearing this song over and over and over and I just think it is so beautiful. It really touched my heart and has really given me food for thought. About what life is really about..and what it's NOT about. Please take a moment to listen, if you so choose. That time with Emily was a moment that took my breath away. I won't wallow over the moments that I've missed but am determined to do what I can to be present for as many moments as I can be ahead from here on out.

Over the years, I have used food, work, mindless computer time, and impromptu "getaways" to escape. To escape from life. The moments that take your breath away. Those that are happy AND those that are sad.

It is necessary to FEEL. To not stuff..literally and figuratively. I'm starting to "unstuff" those feelings. It hurts. There are tears. It's ok. It's all for good and I'm willing to go through it. I want to be PRESENT..physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for those moments that take your breath away.

Happy birthday pumpkin!

Lullaby and Goodnight..wishing for SLEEP

2010-11-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today, or shall I say "yesterday" since it is now after midnight, I bit the bullet and went back to the respiratory therapist for re-teaching and fitting for the mask for my cpap machine.

Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with moderate to severe sleep apnea and given that mask. I could not STAND it. For a number of reasons. First, I simply couldn't sleep with it. Second, it's the ugliest thing and as a young married woman, it just makes you feel horrible to have to put that thing on when you get into bed.

So, despite the fact that I was stopping breathing 200 times a night and as a result getting less than 60 minutes a day of REM sleep, I packed it up and said "screw it". Typical of me then. Non-compliant patient.

Well, after the incident last week, following up with the ENT this past monday and being read the riot act about how I had not followed through with the sleep apnea, or neurologist for my migraines and to review the results of using the machine..or my eye doctor in over 2 years, I decided "that's it. it's beyond time to be responsible." I am truly sick and tired of being sick and tired.

SO I made the appointment with the respiratory therapist, and that was today. I made a follow up with the neurologist. Had my first mammogram yesterday. Follow up eye appointment yesterday. Made my appointments for f/u for the diabetes, allergy testing, and for good measure, the obgyn for birth control. Should be all covered and now I'm a good girl and being responsible right? Right.

This respiratory therapist today was wonderful. He spent a lot of time with me and explaining to me the importance of using the machine and how vital sleep is to our health and longevity. And he was not just preaching at me. He shared with me that he has been a cpap patient for 15 years and it started when he crashed his car into a bridge going 65 miles an hour. I shared with him all of my apprehensions about using this and he was understanding and just really helped me.

He made me commit to using it every single night. He told me I wasn't going to be able to sleep with it all night the first night and my life probably wouldn't change the next day. But he insisted I commit to trying each and every night. So, in the interest of comfort with the way I sleep and where I needed the machine, I made my husband switch sides of the bed with me which many of you know, after many years, you just have your side and that's the way it is. Well, in our marriage, my side is whichever suits me when we move into the place. :) I usually want the side closest to the door so I can get up easily in the night if the children need me. As of tonight, that is no longer the case.

I went upstairs, read for a while, and put the darned mask on. And tossed and turned for 45 minutes. I tried to count backwards by 3 from 200. I tried to think pretty thoughts. Nothing worked.

Here I am swallowing my pride and using this thing so that I like, you know, don't DIE in my sleep..and my husband, not even occuring to him that this is not the thing to say at the moment, says "don't be too alarmed if Jacob makes a Darth Vader comment to you when he sees this" Which means, Matt had to be thinking the same thing. Which means he almost got his ass kicked out of bed to the sofa. :)

I started to get an upset stomach having this air shoved into me each time I took a breath, so I finally shut the damn thing off and came downstairs for a while.

This is so frustrating. It's very easy for me to start to spiral into a fit of self rage. "well, if you weren't obese you wouldn't need this..or have diabetes..or need eye glasses..or have migraines or..or" But no. I realized none of that negative self talk is going to do one bit of good. And, none of that is absolutely true. It's likely, but not definite. There are many thin people that have sleep apnea, diabetes, vision problems and migraines.

I know what it all is. And I know what I need to do. I'm a big girl. And, as so eloquently said many times in a great book my good friend Janel once lent to me, "Big Girls Don't Whine"

What I did instead, is praise myself for having the courage to call the homecare company and say "I got this a year ago and I have nothing to say except I did not follow through and was non compliant. I want to use it and get better, may I please come in and get set up again?" I had to make several phone calls like that as I made these appointments, except to the OB I simply said "I'll just die if I get pregnant again!" haha

My little boy has terrible sleep problems and he has an appointment Monday at Children's hospital sleep clinic where Dr. Ferber is..the infamous "Ferberizer" dude. He actually read Jake's sleep study. The purpose of the clinic will be to deeply evaluate Jacob's sleep habits and help us come up with a plan to get him sleeping well. Maybe I'll learn something for myself also during all of that. He'll be seeing two doctors together on Monday.

I look forward to the day when I have such a restful night's sleep that I do not need to think about a nap in the afternoon. I don't have time for it!

Well, I think I'm getting tired finally and will go put the "darth vader" thing on again. good night!

What do you desire? What do you deserve?

2010-11-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about these two "d" words the last couple of days. Desire and Deserve.

Desire. There are many connotations of the word "desire" but I would like to write about it in the context of an emotion as a "sense of longing or hoping for an outcome". It can also be expressed by emotions or words such as "craving" or "hankering" (two words which I often use in relation to a desire for food)

I have finally been eating really well, and writing down every morsel that goes into my mouth, but have not been *obsessed* with it. I've written everything down..whether good or bad. I've now lost 6 lbs since last monday. 6 lbs in 9 days..not too bad! And I know I could have done even better had I eaten cleaner last week. But regardless, that's nothing to shake a stick at.

So this past Monday, I went about my busy day and ate wonderfully. I was (and still am) psyched for this month and determined to reach my goals being consistent and gaining momentum.

Something very interesting happened Monday evening. I went up early to go to bed because I decided I have got to deal with my sleep issues. As I went into my room, I discovered that my darling son had snuck into our bed and when I went to move him, he had wet our bed. UGH UGH UGH So as I was dealing with all that, I noticed 1) I was hungry and 2) I was hungry and wow..it was an OK THING to be a little hungry and 3) no, I wasn't going to nor did I have any desire to go back downstairs and do something about this hunger ie: eat

This has NEVER happened. EVER. I have resisted before, successfully, but I have never been comfortable in my hunger "mentally" in that "yeah, so you're hungry. big deal. you'll eat breakfast in the morning"

I started talking to myself as I made up my bed and said "Julie, I think the time has finally come that your desire for LIFE and HEALTH far outweighs your desire for/craving for/hankering for ___________insert food of the evening. Your commitment to yourself takes priority over your commitment to your comfort in the moment"

I am filled with desires for my life. Very very strong desires. These desires have finally led to ACTION. One can speak of their desires until they are blue in the face, but without action, none of them will be realized. I am finally seeing the light.

Then I started to think about what I DESERVE. You may wonder why I started to think of the word "deserve". Here is why:

I had a very busy day yesterday. I was feeling crappy still from last week and had a long drive for the rehearsal for my talk I was doing at the fundraiser. I drove home and stopped to do my civic duty and vote, and hadn't had dinner yet. I went to D'Angelo's to buy a salad. This was going to be somewhat tempting to me as I've always gotten the "Thanksgiving Toasted" sub in the past. I needed a good, already made salad so in I went. As I stood at the counter to pay, there were these cookies. And whoopie pies. And brownies. Each item had a little sign like the one above "You deserve cookies" "You deserve whoopie pies" "You deserve brownies" Every piece of crap food in the place had a "YOU DESERVE" sign on it. Funny there was no "you deserve a salad" sign that came with my salad!!

Sometimes I wander around mindless, and other times, I really pay attention and become mindful of even the smallest things, especially certain words used. I stood there and thought "I DESERVE cookies????" Really? I DO?????? It was the DUMBEST thing I had ever heard. Why the heck do I DESERVE cookies, brownies, and whoopie pies? Because I've had a long day?

I think that word in our society, in this context is WAY overused and misused.

Here's the definition of the word DESERVE from dictionary.com:

–verb (used with object)
1.
to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
–verb (used without object)
2.
to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.
Use deserve in a Sentence

So, the word deserve can be used in different contexts but regardless of the context, I just couldn't understand in this case, how D'Angelo's would know if I deserved a cookie? Are they asking me if I've been a good little girl today and earned a treat? It's stupid!

I started to wonder, "well, what DO I deserve?"

If I treat my body poorly, eat like crap, don't exercise, and do nothing but be negative and whine, then I DESERVE to be overweight, miserable and feel like crap based on my actions. I qualify for obesity.

So, if I am working hard towards my goals, eating well, going to the gym, doing my cardio, working on better sleeping habits, drinking a gallon of water a day and working hard towards bettering my health, what do I DESERVE? Based on my actions, I will deserve and earn that which I deeply desire: a beautiful quality of life, improved health and a state of physical fitness. I'm also working towards mental and spiritual fitness as well.

So to finally be acting, and starting to make some progress, to see that sign just kind of pissed me off. No, I do NOT "DESERVE" a freaking brownie, whoopie pie, or cookie. I do not DESERVE it at all.

I deserve and owe it to myself to continue the hard work required towards achieving and realizing my desires...and so do you.

What do you desire from your journey? What do you deserve?

13 Years Ago..and Consistency and Momentum

2010-11-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

Like so many other bloggers out there in blogland, I'm stoked for November! November marks so many things for me..happy and sad memories.

Today, November 1, is my anniversary. We've been married for 13 years today. November 4 is my baby's birthday. November 22 is the anniversary of my mother in law's death. Thirteen years ago this year, I have wonderful memories, and not wonderful memories.

As I drove into Boston yesterday for my evening with my sister in law, I had an hour behind the wheel to "think". Boy did I think!!

I thought about my health, being that I was still feeling dizzy and crappy, and maybe I shouldn't be behind the wheel, and down on myself about not caring for myself over the years.

I thought about all the things that happened the year that I got married. In January of 97, I started dating my husband. In April of 97, I got engaged to my husband. In May of 97, my husband's mom was diagnosed with cancer. In August of 97, I met my biological father for the first time in 18 years. In August of 97, my biological father once again broke my heart. In November of 97, I got married! In January of 98, just a couple of months after getting married, my daughter had major kidney surgery. A few months after that, my biological father dropped dead. A month after that, my husband lost his job. A couple of months after that, my husband had a massive internal bleed. And a few months after that, his mom died of cancer. It wasn't the best year, to say the least!

Lots of memories indeed..good, bad and in between. I don't mean to be such a downer, but there are some big issues mixed in there that I really need to work through..or maybe I don't. I'll probably blog about some in the weeks to come. It's times like this when I sort of wish my blog was totally anonymous. As if I haven't already thrown it all out there huh? LOL

Actually, by the time I got to Boston, and got a little lost, I was rather bummed out thinking of everything. November is a joyful time..anniversary and my Emmy's birthday on Nov 4, and also a time of mourning, especially every Thanksgiving as my mother in law died 2 days before thanksgiving and it's very difficult time for my brother and sister in law and father in law.

However, I arrived at Toro and was greeted by my other very wonderful, always CHEERY sister in law, Prisila, and all that thinking faded. We had such a GREAT time!!! We enjoyed several different tapas including rabbit patte, sea urchins, octopus, dates w/ spanish blue cheese wrapped in jamon, some veal thing and something else I can't even remember the name of..mmmmmmm! We talked and talked and then enjoyed a 2 mile brisk walk to the performance center. By this time, the vertigo was REALLY setting back in, especially as we climbed to the balcony section and looking down..oh my!

The seating capacity is 1215. If I had to guess, I was one of maybe 15 americans in the company of about 1200 brazilians. LOL This performer is one hot and popular brazilian dude! The crowd went WILD when he came out on stage and stayed wild for the entire 2 hour concert. As he began, my sister in law leans over and said "you're about to witness 1200 VERY homesick brazilians!!!" and she was right!! I didn't understand a single word but I had the best time and loved the music. I really enjoyed watching my sister in law. She was hysterical...dancing like crazy in her seat..almost moved to tears by some of the songs. It was a riot. You have to really know her to understand I think. She can make anyone smile..she just has that personality.

Then she informed me that this performer was like 60 years old or something. You would NEVER know it! I looked at Prisila..she's such a free spirit. We have a lot in common and have so much fun together.

Then it hit me. WOW..we are YOUNG. We're just babies. To watch this guy up on stage at 60 and how amazing he looks..and can MOVE...heck, we're only 38 and 39! Our husbands are two BORING guys, but hey, she and I have TONS of stuff we want to do together, could travel together etc. I need to get it together here!

I wondered what my "real" age is..in the state my body is in. I don't care..it's changing NOW.

Do you hear me? NOW!!

I will turn 40 next year MUCH MUCH MUCH younger than I am today.

Prisila said she's going to Greece and Turkey for her 40th and wants me to go, which will be sometime the year after that. I'm in, I told her. I'm sooooo in!

As far as the DDD challenge goes, I have no idea *exactly* my calorie intake yesterday, but I had a small amount of 5 different tapas and 1 sangria. I weighed in this morning and lost 3 lbs in the past week.

I have eaten completely clean today.

Breakfast:
oatmeal w/ 1/2 small banana whipped in, almond butter and sliced strawberries

lunch: homemade vegetable soup

dinner: big green salad w/ cucumbers and grape tomatoes w/ balsamic vinegar and 6 seared scallops

96 oz h2o

I'm really glad I had a loss last week.

This month, November, my two words to focus on are: consistency and momentum. Why? Because a year ago this month, I started working with my friend and nutritionist, Bobby. Bobby lost a lot of weight (140 lbs!) many years ago and has kept it off. He's now a certified nutritional hearlth counselor and worked really hard in the 6 months we worked together to try to drill those 2 important words into me. So Bobby, if you're reading, YES, I remember and took it to heart and thank you so much for all the help and counsel you gave me. Because of you, I'm still at it and have not quit.

Consistency: In November I commit to: 1) eat clean..every day, and stay within a 1400-1600 calorie range. 2) drink at least 96 oz h2o daily 3) do cardio at least 45-60 minutes at least 5xweek

I'm not sure about the strength training due to the vertigo. I'm going to try to go back this Friday. I have some odd heart rate issues and that combined with the vertigo makes for wanting to puke more than workout..It's odd because I can do cardio, and work hard at it, no problem. Lifting, combined with the balance issues I'm having is a bit of a problem. I have made follow up appointments with my neurologist, ENT and primary. It looks like I'm going to have to have Vestibular balance testing also.

Momentum: In November, I KNOW I can lose at least 12 lbs. I KNOW I can do this. At least. So, that's my "goal"

I'm going to take it month by month for goals and see how that goes.

Tomorrow night is the rehearsal for the fundraiser I'm speaking at Wednesday so I have that to focus on and practice. I'm nervous. I'm not a seasoned public speaker, but I do think I have a great talk to give, if I do say so! :)

Here's to an AWESOME month ahead!

Tapas Anyone? and Tranquilo....

2010-10-31T07:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still not feeling well and am supposed to go out tonight with my wonderful sister in law. I'm really hoping the Antivert will work and get rid of this dizziness. We've had this evening planned for over a month now.

My brother and sister in law keep the oddest hours as he is a chef and she is a server so they literally are ALWAYS working. Prisila finally got a job at a smaller restaurant where she actually can get sundays and mondays off and there is some predictability to her schedule.

Prisila is from Florianopolis, Brazil. I am soooo blessed to have such a wonderful, fun loving sister in law. She is a blast to hang out with. She is always laughing, smiling and so bubbly. It is really interesting because my brother is sooooooo reserved and sooooo NOT like her at ALL. Opposites surely do attract! My entire family just adores her, and we have a huge family. Lizzie had the opportunity several years ago, when I was homeschooling her, to go to Brazil with my brother and Prisila for 2 weeks. She loved it!

Anyway, due to their crazy schedules all these years, we've rarely been able to just do something together, just the two of us. Over the summer, we were at the Cape together caring for nana and we went out to dinner together and walking the beach and such. We had a ball together.

So, I was thrilled when in September she invited me to go into Boston with her on halloween night to see her favorite Brazilian singer, Djavan, in concert at the Berkely Performance Center. Never heard of the dude and won't understand a word because it's in Portuguese, but I have a feeling I'll love it! Prisila, in her upbeat and bubbly thick brazilian accent said "just close your eyes and listen to the music"

We're meeting beforehand to go to a great tapas restaurant that she has chosen. It is called "Toro" Having just come back from Spain and LOVED the tapas there, I am looking forward to this. Prisila says it's very authentic and she knows fine dining so I think we're in for a great night out.

I plan on resting up all day and taking my medicine as prescribed. I'm a bit nervous about driving and just hope that I won't feel sick while out. Tomorrow I'll be getting in touch with my primary care doctor and the ENT about this inner ear infection, if that's indeed what it is.

I have been counting calories, but really have no way to "count" what I eat out tonight. So, here's my plan of attack for the day.

I've had oatmeal and berries for breakfast, and will have a good salad for lunch. Lots and lots and lots of water. I have almonds for one snack and greek yogurt for another.

As far as going out to eat goes, I'm simply not going to worry about it at all. Of all the people that I could go out to eat with, Prisila is the best "influence". She eats amazingly healthy. Small portions (tapas are small anyway). She never overeats. She's a great example to ME of how a fit, healthy person eats. She eats VERY well and mostly vegetarian except on an occasional special meal out. I may have one glass of wine..depending on how I'm feeling. All I know is she is great company and we'll have a great evening.

I always eat far less, and far better, when I go out to "dine" rather than just go out to "eat". I'm sure you know what I mean. There is a distinct difference. I think it's why, when I travel, I always end up losing weight, yet I'm out to eat every single night. I went to Italy for 2 weeks and lost 4 pounds. We ate out at good restaurants every night with wine every night, but there's a difference. You're meal is an event so you're there eating slowly..for like 2 hours. Same thing in Spain. Everything is slower.

I wonder how we could slow down a bit at home. Everything is run run run. Hurry up and eat because we have the next thing to do. When I was visiting Lizzie, everything about Spain was "tranquilo"..relax.peaceful.enjoy..chill. It was in the air. I love to people watch and commented on my observations to Lizzie as we were out dining. She seems to have really picked up on that tranquil way of life and I think it will serve her well thoughout her adulthood and for this I am so thankful.

As far as Halloween goes, well, as I previously posted, the kiddos are grounded, so no trick or treating. My husband bought candy to pass out and he's been threatened with all my being that every piece better be out of this house by the time I get home tonight. :)

Have a great day everyone!

Water, Water and More Water

2010-10-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

I know many people seem to struggle with drinking a lot of water. I used to. For quite a while, starting last November until this past summer, I was drinking almost a gallon a day, which to some seems just impossible.

I found when I drank plenty of H2O, that I felt better in general.

For some reason, this summer (of all the times of the year!) I stopped drinking so much, until I got to the point where I was just drinking a bottle or two with my workouts and that was it. My body missed it! I also started to gain back some of the weight that I had lost.

Once upon a time, the only kind of water I would drink is that flavored Aquafina Splash. However, I really needed to try to get away from the artificial sweeteners.

When I started working with a nutritionist last November, my friend Bobby, he demanded I get a LARGE water bottle and carry it with me EVERYWHERE and just drink drink and drink some more. So I did.

I like to carry around a 32oz water bottle that has some kind of handle. I literally just refill it all day and grab it with me so it's hanging off my fingers as I've got my kids, my keys and stuff I'm lugging on my way out the door. The cases of bottled water in the store are just fine, but usually they're 16oz and it just wasn't economical or convenient.

It took a little while to get in the habit, but if I was stopped in traffic, I'd chug. When I'd park the car somewhere, chug a lug. At home working on the computer? Chug chug chug. I'm usually a mom on the go and spend a LOT of time in my car so I always fill the bottle before I leave the house.

Drinking at least 2 of those per day is not a hard habit to get into. 2 of these bottles is 64 oz = the 8..8 oz glasses recommended per day. I got to drinking even 3 and usually 4. During the evenings when the craving monster attacks, if I'm *really* truly and honestly diligent, lots of water does indeed help to curb the craving.

So, this week, I got myself a new bottle here: (I like nalgene better but need to get to a store that has them, so I picked this up at the grocery store)

I have been back on the water kick since joining the DDD challenge this week, and especially since my little scare on Thursday. I'm convinced dehydration didn't help. I am already feeling better making sure I'm very well hydrated. I intend to be chugging 3-4 of these daily once again.

There are just so many benefits to drinking lots of water. It's vital to our body. I'm not sharing anything new. Personally, when I'm drinking a ton of water, I have more energy, my skin is softer, I have way fewer headaches, I feel fuller and eat less, I'm not as bloated. The list goes on.

I used to have a lot of trouble drinking iced cold water. If you don't like to drink a lot of water, try it at different temperatures. I discovered I much prefer it at room temperature and it made it easier for me to drink a lot more.

I have a Brita filter that I use on my faucet but truthfully, it's driving me up the wall as it tends to pop off. Either it's not on correctly, or it just sucks. A little more time will tell.

So, if you're one that struggles with getting in all of your water daily, you might want to try lugging around the giant water bottle with you. Try it at different temperatures. Squeeze some lemon into it.

Here's to a lot more water, a healthier body, and many more trips to the bathroom! :)

Sick and Tired..but Wanting to Cook!

2010-10-29T18:33:00.000-07:00

First things first. RE. the DDD challenge..Calories for Wed, Thurs, and Fri. All food has been recorded in my "myplate" tool at livestrong.com. I just love that tool for recording food intake. I have tried several and this one, for me, is the easiest.

Wednesday:
1588 calories total..all water consumed
Thursday: (crazy day..spent more than half of it in the ER)
1285 calories total..32 oz water..and about 2 liters of IV fluids
Friday (today)
1947..went over by 247...but have been quite a bit under several other days this week
still have 24 oz h2o to go

Yesterday was not a fun day. :( I got sick on my way to an appointment and by the time I was in the office, actually passed out. A miserable ambulance ride and 8 hours later after being poked and prodded, EKGs, IV fluids, blood drawn, xrays and a head CT scan, the doctor thinks I have an inner ear infection. I was doped up on IV Benadryl, Compazine and Valium. I couldn't even talk. Got home around 9pm and slept till 2:30pm today. I tried to get up this morning and check email but just couldn't see straight still.

The dizziness is really intense when I'm up and walking around. I called the ENT office this afternoon to get an appointment and they were closed, so I have to wait until Monday.

I haven't been feeling well for about a week and a half. Just been sooooo tired, difficulty focusing and I have been lightheaded and "off balance"...which I guess makes sense now if I do indeed have an inner ear infection. Just walking on the treadmill or doing walking lunges at the gym I've been very off balance. Usually I can do core exercises quite well, but not so well the last couple of weeks. We'll see I guess.

It was scary. I was talking and extremely nauseas and felt weird..and remember my speech getting slurred and saying "omg I'm not right.." boom. My blood pressure was pretty low in the office..80/56.

They sent me home with Valium and Meclizine for the dizziness. Ummm, ok..the Valium makes me MORE dizzy! My husband was teasing me calling the Valium "mother's little helper" I wasn't amused. :)

So I'll take the Meclizine for the weekend and hope that helps me, and make sure to drink LOTS of fluids. I hope it just goes away fast..blech.

I am really getting the urge to do some cooking, which quite frankly, is odd since I've never liked to cook! I have been turned onto some recipes I really want to try. One is posted at Jody's blog and looks soooo good! It is a quinoa recipe and I LOVE quinoa. Here is the link to that one. Thanks to that, I've been thinking about it all afternoon. :)

Speaking of quinoa, I recently made stuffed peppers with quinoa and ground turkey and they were delicious!! There are several recipes online with quinoa for stuffed peppers.

Then I was browsing the Clean Eating Magazine website and have decided I MUST make, asap, the following:

Rissotto with Roasted Tomatoes and Scallops I love love LOVE rissotto!!

Cajun Shrimp Stir Fry

Black Eyed Peas and Brown Rice

However, there is no way in hell the family will eat any of this, so hopefully it's freezable or I'll have to plan them on Wednesdays when the piano teacher comes so I can give some away.

It's going to take some really clever thinking to get them eating better with me. I just don't understand it. Lizzie was soooo easy with all of this!! C'est la vie!

They're Testing Me!

2010-10-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

I knew when Mara left, that the kids would be testing me quite a bit. I knew that I really need to pull in the reigns and set limits and not let them rule me.

As thankful as I am for having had Mara all these years, I regret *deeply* that I haven't been front and center in raising them. I know it is what it is, and I've done the very best that I can. I'm trying to do better now.

That said, what they did today...oooooooooh what they DID, I KNOW I have taught them right from wrong from a very young age on this one. Actually, it's what I *discovered* today, as I'm pretty certain it didn't happen today. They told me it was last week.

So, Emily will be 7 next Thursday and Jake 9 in December. They are WAY old enough to know better.

The day didn't start out so well from the getgo. Both kids gave me a really hard time getting ready for school today. Jacob was just wild and Emily was all whiny over her hair. Then, she refused to eat her oatmeal (which she loves by the way). I was really glad to get them off to school.

I picked them up this afternoon and took them to the grocery store real quick, where they were not listening to me or obeying me.

Then, I got out to the car, a Toyota Sienna minivan..and they got in. I opened the back to put in the groceries and it's then that I almost cried.

There were ink drawings and writing ALL OVER the back of the middle row of captains seats..all leather seats. ALL OVER THE BACK OF THEM.

I gasped and said "oh my gosh..who wrote on the back of the seats??" They looked at me and the look on their faces told me they could quickly read the look on mine. My youngest quietly says "we did".

They both confirmed that yes, they did indeed draw on the seats. I really couldn't believe it. I quietly said "buckle up..now" and got in the car and put my seatbelt on.

I didn't know what to say..what to do. I was sooooo PISSED.

Then, "you children know better. You know that you do not write on anything other than paper or a project you are given permission to write on. You know what it means to respect property. How could you be so disrespectful ? This is mommy's car. Why did you do that?"

"we were bored" was the answer. Bored???? You were BORED so you decided to do graffiti on the car seats??

At this point, I just know that for their sake and mine, I needed to drive home and not even turn around to look at them.

As I'm driving, I simply said "when we get home, you will both go to your rooms and you will stay there. You may come out for piano lessons and dinner and then you will go back. When daddy gets home, we'll decide your punishment"

Then Jacob sighs and says "oooh...I KNEW we'd get caught!" (duh!) and then Emily defiantly says, and this is funny.... (keep in mind that the NH state motto is "live free or die") She says "out of the choice to live free or die, I choose to die" I almost spit out my water when I heard that. Oh don't worry, the child is fine..she was just being dramatic. :)

We pulled into the driveway and they immediately went to their rooms, no ifs ands buts..no arguments..nothing. They knew I meant business and they probably wanted to be far away from me.

My husband got home and we decided on the consequences and told the kids, and of course, it broke my heart and now I'm second guessing myself.

They are grounded this weekend. Emily was supposed to sleep over a friend's house and I cancelled that. The kids are also not going to be allowed to go trick or treating Sunday night.

I felt this was a severe offense. You can't go defacing property. It's not like they're in preschool..this is 1st and 3rd grade. I needed something that was really going to drive home that we mean business. I questioned myself over and over..it's not like I'm taking away Christmas or a birthday..it's stupid halloween..big deal. Enough to be an "ouch" but not enough to scar the kid for life. Besides, I'm doing them a favor..who needs the candy???

So, now..the thing is, they don't seem to really care!!!! Jacob says "I don't care..it's just walking around anyway" Emily sort of cares a little but is more upset about the sleepover.

We did a little lesson on vandalism and graffiti and all that stuff.

I'm soooooo glad it wasn't a friend or relative's car.

I told them after school tomorrow and every free moment they have will be spent trying to clean the seats with a magic eraser.

Why am I stressed over this? I've been double quessing myself all afternoon. In one respect, I'm furious and wondering where I've failed as a parent that they would do something so naughty, but then again I know kids do stuff, but they are WAY beyond the age where kids write on walls and furniture and oh, car seats!. Then, I feel guilty about the trick or treating thing. Then, I feel "hey! woman! stand your ground..they will live and I bet they'll think twice before writing on things they shouldn't in the future"

I told them that trick or treating is not a "right" but a "privelage" and they need to earn privelages.

I guess I could be proud that I did it without any yelling? I don't know...

As they sat in their room this afternoon and I waited for Matt to get home, I sat there and ate a bunch of shrimp with some cocktail sauce. I just mindlessly ate it. I was totally "stress eating". As I look in retrospect, it was the kind of eating I would do after a conversation gone wrong with my mother. My husband used to be able to come home and see me standing there staring into space munching on something and would just say "so, how was your talk with your mother?" I suppose shrimp is better than other crap, but the point is that I was just eating it mindlessly. To realize it in the same day in retrospect..ok. Next time, I'd like to stop myself during or BEFORE the act!!

Here's the thing. I was stuffing my anger. I didn't yell. I didn't scream. I didn't write about it right away. I ate the anger. In shrimp. Sigh...

Could I have exercised? Yeah. I couldn't go for a walk because obviously I couldn't leave them home alone but I could have jumped on my eliptical.

I really really hope I can get this pen off my seats. This was not a cheap vehicle..and it doesn't matter if it was..you just DON'T. DO. THAT. errrrrrr

Anyone know if Magic Eraser will work on leather?? and if not, what does??