Yes, I feel I have come unglued and feel as if I should warn people "you don't want to mess with me today lest you incur my wrath!" I have been so wrestless, emotional, irritable. It feels like PMS, but I don't really get PMS anymore since the Mirena. I wouldn't even know it's been so long. Do you ever find yourself crying at a commercial? or an episode of iCarly or Victorious that your kids are watching? How embarrassing! Or how about a song that just cuts to the core so intensely? Probably more women will identify with this than men.
It is not an "episode". I know it is not. I know the difference. Oh, and while I'm on that subject. I'm beginning to doubt that I even HAVE Bipolar. I'm beginning (or back to believing) it's the "ADD" diagnosis of the 21st century. Please don't get me wrong, I do believe it is very real, but I do not believe I have it. Why? Because I have felt deep down in my being that if I got my body in balance and healthy, the symptoms would greatly diminish. I have believed very deeply that a great deal of my "mood swings" are circumstantial and I needed to deal with the source and stop slapping band aids. I believe deep down that I can manage the waves of depression that I do have in other healthy ways. People that know me fairly well are perplexed with my diagnosis. I don't seem to match many of the descriptions of it that I've read. Oh, and way back when, I managed in life just fine without mood stabilizing medication. Sometimes I wonder if it's the medication I take that makes me worse with brain fog, dizziness, fatigue and so on. Some people can't live day to day without it..and I get that. My brother is one of them. I don't think I'm one of them and I *really* want to try to wean off of this medicine. I was going to talk to my therapist about it last night, but she had the flu. I haven't seen her since mid December. LOTS of catching up to do! She is not going to like this, but hopefully she will respect it. She is very respectful of any decision I make. She is my prescriber and I will not do anything without being supervised by her. Like most things recently, my husband is not supportive of this. To which all I can say is..whatever.
I have been trying so hard to keep things together around here. Continuity. Making sure the kids' are doing ok in their new environment, trying to help my son with his emotions and getting in the groove of a new environment and new routine. I wonder if he is on the brink of puberty? He is getting growing pains now....real ones. Poor kid. We are already having meltdowns over homework. I have a great app for the iPad called "First Then Visual Schedule" and it's sort of a picture/word schedule so we sat down together and made morning and evening routines. He follows the routine and "checks off" the picture when he is done. This has helped tremendously! I have his IEP meeting next Wednesday and cannot wait to get some things in place for him. He got in trouble this morning and I have taken the iPad away for the weekend. I am attending an Autism/Aspergers conference next month and cannot wait. There are so many workshops I'm looking forward to sitting through and gleaning some good ideas and wisdom from.
He was fuming mad at Emily for some minute thing and sprayed her with Axe deoderant. (what is it with him and that Axe??) She probably did something to instigate the matter..she can be a little stinker! Oh, and speaking of little Miss Princess Emmy girl, she pulled the "I can't go to school today because I have a tummy ache" thing. She was fine. She did this last year ALL the time. It is SO hard for me to get upset with her though or to say no. She has these HUGE beautiful blue eyes. When she cries, the tears just fly out..like a little cartoon. Seriously. And she does the most perfect little puppy dog face. Still, I had to stick to my guns. No fever, not puking, no green stuff...you're going to school. The nurse will call if she's ill. I am not mean. I would never send my child to school if they were really sick. She was perfectly fine once she knew I was not giving in.
Which she will probably be ill soon....because poor Lizzie is WICKED sick with strep throat and the flu. This is her last week of break. I feel bad that she has to spend it this way but better at home being nursed back to health by mama and quarantined than during her first week of a new semester.
Yet, while feeling totally unglued, I am in control. It hasn't occurred to me to overeat or to choose poorly. It just is NOT an option. My mind is made up and I have chosen what is best for me. I have exercise as a great stress reducer.
So bring it on and just TRY to derail me...I triple dog dare ya. Ain't gonna happen!
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