History and Personal Responsibility: Disclaimer

I have made a personal commitment to cap my calories at 1400 calories per day eating mostly whole foods, exercise daily, drink a gallon of water daily, and now to journal. Though I have been faithfully doing the others, journaling has been lacking for me, but I think it's really necessary as I've been dealing with so many thoughts and emotions (especially since removing food as my comforter). It is very cathartic for me. Often my mind is all over the place. When I read a blog post that has come from the heart and soul, and can be really personal, I appreciate the honesty and often can identify, thinking "so I'm not alone after all". I've taken away a lot of tidbits here and there in the last couple of years of blogging from various bloggers out there. Early on, I shared some deeply personal experiences that was cathartic for me to do so. At one point, I was discouraged from doing this and actually took the posts down from my blog and they are now gone. I kind of wish I hadn't done that. I'm writing for me. If someone else happens to get something from it, great. But I started blogging to help myself and journaling more will be a part of that.

When I set out to start my blog, my desire was to share openly and honestly about all of my struggles, that others may also know they are not alone. To be true to myself, and be who I am, I am going to do that once again. Sure there are some things that are just so deeply personal..and painful.. that I could not bring myself to write about even privately (at least for now) let alone online for the world to see, but other than that, I do not mind sharing my life. Regarding marriage, though it has been a very rocky 14 years thus far, out of respect for my husband, anything of a deeply personal matter in that regard will of course not be shared either.

If you don't like to read personal accounts or they hit too close to home for you; If you just want to see a list of what I ate today or how I was able to justify a trip through the Dunkin Donut's drive thru, there's this little "x" in the upper right hand corner of your computer screen. Use it and click it. :-) However, I WILL be honest about my progress or lack thereof.

Last night, in about the span of 2 minutes, I made a list of about two dozen topics I wanted to write about that related to my history of overeating, late night binges, hiding food, obsessive exercise, and obsession with the scale that started when I was in my teen years. There are likely dozens more. Those are just some of the first things that came to my mind. From daddy issues, to spending issues, to numerous relationships, infertility, lost pregnancies, single parenthood and more, there is a never ending list of things I could share. We shall see what I feel like writing about.

I'm going to attempt to be free to share what's on my mind, and recount how these things led to my using food for comfort and gradually gaining weight...up to 150 extra pounds, yo yo'ing a long the way. In doing so, there will likely be references to my parents and to relationships. Here's my disclaimer:

I believe in taking full personal responsibility for my actions. I am an adult. I do NOT believe, and I find it incredibly annoying, in adults "blaming" their parents or something that happened in their childhood for their current behavior or for their mistakes. "Oh It's all my parents' fault". There is someone in my life that blames all his present misery on our growing up years and to that I say: listen. suck it up. DEAL with it. LEARN from it. ACCEPT it. Forgive. And move on. That said, I did not withstand severe abuse that I know some have. I can only speak from MY experiences and how I view it.

We all have skeletons in our closet. We know they are there. It's one thing to open the closet a crack and peek..and recognize that they're there. To acknowledge the role they've played in where you are today. To learn. It's another thing to take them out and play with them. To me, playing with them is trying to use them to justify all of your current woes and simply refusing to move on. Using them as your scapegoat.

I believe it's important to acknowledge what may have played a role in leading us to do the things we've done, make the mistakes we've made. So that we can recognize it. Own it. Accept it. Forgive it. Heal. Move on. Writing about and working through these things is one way of accomplishing this.

I just want to make it clear that as I share some of my past and how I began forming the patterns that I did that played a role in gaining weight, and consequently began breaking the patterns: that I love my family, don't blame anyone for anything, and accept full responsibility for my actions. I have a good and healthy relationship with my parents now. I do not believe in harboring bitterness and resentment towards people, even those who have hurt me deeply in my life.

Obviously gaining 150 lbs over 24 years happened because I ate way too much and moved less and less. Scientifically speaking, it's that simple. It's also a bit more complicated. It also happened because I used food to numb some incredibly painful emotions (and some incredibly happy ones) that I did not know how to express in healthy ways, and at times did not have a safe way in which to do so (or didn't think I did).

So now that I've got that out of the way, I guess I'll start writing what's REALLY on my mind. :)